Eating My Bandaid

Bandaids are everywhere
Separation   *    Drugs    *    Food    *    Shopping    *   Netflix   *   Shaming and Blaming
BLAME IS A BANDAID
As long as that other person is WRONG
          AT FAULT
                     THE BAD GUY
Then I don't have to feel my own pain and grief
I'm good at that one
But I have made a solemn vow
To keep releasing
                     releasing
                             releasing
The Shame and Blame
If we believe them - Poisons
masquerading as righteousness.

Chocolate:
Lately I've been eating a bandaid for breakfast
Even when I'm not hungry
The signal that something big 
is/was trying to throw up out of my belly
Core wounds spilling out every which way
                                Raw and trying to digest
The pain of the world
My own wounds
Ancestral wounds

My skin is crawling with discomfort
How long can I tolerate?
How do I get to the bottom of this fucker?
Thank god and goddesses and earth mother and father sky
that I have a bandaid
I don't know if there is a bottom 
to this pain
          it's still throwing up
                      I'm throwing up
Sorrow and grief
and powerlessness
Thank you, chocolate, assault my senses
Salty, mixed with my tears and snot.

When our hearts hurt

Dear Ones,
So much hurting these days. 

How do you relate to the extreme situations that pile up in our world right now? 
I know in myself that I go on ignoring or tolerating many of the sufferings in our world, but then the spotlight comes on in certain ways - maybe media or social media grabs a hold of a topic, or somehow a wave that moves through all of us, saying Look Here.

The desperation lives around me daily in Chicago. Children killed through poverty, neglect and gun violence. I can keep my balance around it for a certain amount of time.

And then the events grab my heart - Israel and Gaza, Maui and fire, migrants pouring into Chicago, children begging in my neighborhood street corners - and everything becomes tender. 

AND just like there are unlimited vibrational tones, from the very very low, to the very high, some audible and some inaudible - both incredible, indescribable pain and also intense beauty and love surround us at all times. This isn't to bypass the ugliness and supreme pains. It's to acknowledge all of it coexists at the same time. 

I went for the most beautiful walk yesterday in the woods, where the trees have all turned yellow but not dropped their leaves. I felt totally bathed in golden light, with almost a desperate need to gulp and suck in forest air. Truly stunning and nourishing. 

Can we admit we don't know what to do? I'll admit it - I don't know what to do. If we knew how to 'fix' these problems, we'd have fixed it already. So can we stay open to the very painful not knowing? See what is ready to emerge from the broken places, stay attuned to possibility of what's in this moment, what's ready for the next level of personal and collective growth?

I made two new meditation recordings in the last couple of weeks. 
Letting go of blame, inviting in love is a practice I am committing to. Where am I hardening my heart? Where am I protecting my anger? Can I soften any amount of it? Can I try an experiment of loosening the grip of anger on my heart - and still listen to the anger, still welcome it, knowing it has a positive intention, something it's trying to do to help? 

I listened to the recording last week and thought it was not so great. Then I had a big shame wave the other day, and I listened to it again and found solace and healing. I brought attention and energy to those shame parts and heard them ask "am I really allowed to love myself, even though I got it wrong?"

Yes.
I don't know the way forward, but I do know that hardened shame and blame and anger have not solved my life problems, they solidified my life problems. I'm willing to try this experiment and see what might come from taking the risk to soften, to let go, to allow love into my broken places. 

And of course, some hurts are too fresh or too big and deserve plenty of time and space and care for the anger and rage. No need to push, no need to force yourself into love. That isn't true healing in the long run. Take your time, see what really needs attention, and welcome it all. 

How are you healing and holding your heart these days?

With love and kindness,
Marta

Meditations
Letting go of Blame, Welcoming in Love
Welcoming Despair and Grief

Photo by Dave Webb on Unsplash

Mistakes are Welcome

Making mistakes -- and the TRUTH of our worthiness as humans -- is on my mind and spirit these days. A week ago I made a video called "Giving the Finger to Perfectionism", which I found fun and liberating. Two days later, I made a mistake - broke a rule in fact - and my rental car was towed. 

THE SHAME!

It was the perfect situation for working on all the feelings that go with mistakes. In this case, no one was hurt, I just felt stupid, unworthy, and expected to be shamed. But instead I was met with super kindness from my husband, and I processed and released so many old feelings and energy over the next few days on my solo camping trip. 

The real truth - we deserve love always. That we are worthy as a person with no exceptions. That we are here on earth to have an experience, and we have free will and choice to explore. That when there is no shame or blame, the best learning happens, and our ability to act in a response-able way ensues naturally. Shame and blame are not essential for dealing with the natural consequences. 

With love for the journey,
Marta

Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

Emotions are Energy & Energy wants to evolve

To you, with the big feelings
       the tender heart
               the sensitive soul

A not-so-secret secret - maybe you know it too
~ our feelings are expressions of energy
    a releasing
making space for fresh energy
an upgrade
an expansion

Grief 
       Fear
              Anger
                       Shame
these ones are ready for compost
    so you can relax and let them 
                    soften
    drift open
    expand into their natural wave form
We can Honor these emotions
    and bless them
and maybe dance with them

It takes trust to soften in this way
      a trust that most of us don't know
      haven't been schooled in
yet worthy of an experiment
     what happens if you play with 
     relaxing and releasing?
     play with enjoying your feelings
     your experience, no matter what it is?

(wow, what a thing to suggest to someone
       in the middle of a cancer journey
       or the loss of a child
       or experiencing violence)

I don't know the answer there
but I do know that relaxing with
      and around
      our emotions
allows them to flow in their natural form
          coming and going as a wave
you are bigger than the wave
    you are the droplet
         and the ocean
               the particle
                     and the wave

When Grief, Fear, Anger, and Shame release,
           new space opens for Love, Enjoyment, Peace
without pressure, without trying
            This too comes and goes as a wave
Evolving energy moves us in the direction of expansion, of love, of trust.

With love for the play, the practice, the experiment,
Marta

Aura Transformation for Performers

Lovelies,

This is a long letter. I am on fire for Aura Transformation to help everyone - but I feel a special passion for AT + performers. I invite you to read the whole thing, or just skip around and see what catches your attention.

You - musician, actor, creator, performer - I see your big heart, your passion, AND the boulders thrown in your path. 

You have a creative spirit, something in you longs to share your voice, your music, your vibration. Not necessarily for the limelight or applause, though that might be nice too.

Somehow being on stage, whether alone or with colleagues, helps complete you. You feel alive when sharing your craft. 

Your sensitive spirit feels and notices the world in a special way. A way that translates in your art, that brings healing, tears, joy, elevation, aliveness. You merge with the music, with the story, with the dance, amplifying and becoming bigger than just you. 

And yet, this road is not easy. 
Performance anxiety.
Expensive education.
Ongoing lessons, coachings, and classes.
Connecting (fawning?) with the 'right' people.
Day job.
Low wages.
Competing with your friends.

You are a highly refined expert, yet you are pulled in so many directions, just to make ends meet, and to excel at your craft. 

How bonkers that our society highly rewards all sorts of people who either are impersonal towards humanity or actively hurt humanity. And yet the artists, the ones who touch people's hearts, with truth and vision like a sword, who swaddle humanity in sound, expression, vibration - we artists scrabble and fight over crumbs. 

The creative world is distorted now. The wounds of the individuals; desperate needs to be seen and validated; power trips; constricted budgets of organizations, scrimping and pinching. We ALL live in this world where we are trying so hard. No one is to blame, it's a large, huge collective situation with many layers and many facets that have developed over time. 

One by one, we can restore health and balance. We can honor the dignity and contribution of every single participant - from visionary, to creator, to director, to leading roles, to first chairs, to supplementary, to cover roles, to office staff, to janitors, to audience. 

I know many people are bringing renewed goodness to the performing arts world. Thank goodness! Do you feel you are swimming upstream in these efforts?

Aura Transformation has the power to assist in restoring balance, in bringing intelligent love to the artists and performers and rippling out to society as a whole.

Aura Transformation massively upgrades one's energy system through New Time energy. Through an Aura Transformation you can expect:

• Better embodiment, staying in your body even under pressure:

• More radiance, more magnetic attraction, more of the full YOU showing up;

• Better boundaries - not taking on other's peoples energy (from colleagues, from the audience), not letting your energy get sucked away, AND more simply standing firm for what you deserve;

• Connected to purpose. If you're an artist, you probably already have a sense of purpose. An AT will anchor you more deeply in this purpose, and action becomes easier and clearer.

• Enhanced intuition, knowing what's best for you, easier and simpler listening to yourself, your needs, which roles/jobs to take, what to say no to.

• Performing and creating art towards the highest expression of yourself. The need for attention and applause might still be there, but it has the chance to be one voice in you that needs care, rather than the driving force behind your art.

• Taking responsibility for what's yours in this life and in your art.

• A focus on creating in your passion, letting go of fighting the old and crumbling. 

• Knowing your inherent self worth.

In my personal experience as a musician, I've struggled with performance anxiety for a very long time, and done tons of healing on this specific issue. My Aura Transformation in January seems promising for deeper and more lasting healing for the performance anxiety. 

I've only done a couple of performances this spring, but in those I more clearly noticed the old pattern to flee out of my body. Pull out and away. Despite all the embodiment work I've done over the years - it's like the spirit aspect of me wanted to get out when under pressure. And it could in the old aura.

Since my AT I'm able to gently pull my spirit back in my body - and performing in this way is So. Much. Better. No wonder I've had nerves all these years! It's impossible to control my fingers and arms when I'm trying to get away from those very same fingers and arms! Feeling the blood flowing, the energy extending through to the tips of me, I played really well. And enjoyed myself so much too.

Now that I know I've had a leaky, disintegrating aura for probably much of my life, I wonder if the anxieties I've felt are not all mine. I've not been able to filter out feelings from the audience and from colleagues. Now I have a much more solid aura that provides protection, as well as a sorting tool where I can more intentionally keep out other people's energies. 

I am coming out from under a rock. Parts of me wanting to hide for most of my life, it's like that contract has been completed. I don't need to hide anymore. Those hiding parts still need a bit of tending and care, but now they sit in a much bigger, more solid, safer aura structure, so they don't need to run my life. 

Whatever your struggle and burden as a performer and artist, Aura Transformation has the power and possibility to bring deep transformation. An AT doesn't magically solve everything - you still have to deal with your problems, but more and more of you is present to engage with life, the good and the bad, plus the increasing intuition to know what's next, what's needed, where to focus, where to let go.

And the AT is permanent, a one time upgrade that will not fade. There are ways to attend to your energy, if that's your jam, that will enhance the effect of the AT. In the webinar we'll do a bit of this energy work, that anyone can use now, that gets even more potent after your AT. 

I'd love to connect with you anytime, about questions or scheduling an Aura Transformation. 
Love,
Marta

Resistance. Self Sabotage. Procrastination

Resistance. Self Sabotage. Procrastination.

The labels of parts of us that hold up action, that put in a wrench in the path of some goals.

Pressure, blame and shame also surround such labels.

As if a person is at fault, or weak, or somehow failing when resisting kinds of energy show up. 

I invite you to consider another way of relating to Resistance:
Resistance, Self Sabotage, and Procrastination are energies in a person disagreeing with other parts of the person.
These Resisting energies have a valid point of view, and valid concerns.

Usually the conflict lies between Manager type parts - who align strongly with our culture, valuing productivity, success, getting things done, making money, recognition - and Exile parts (vulnerable wounded ones) or Firefighter parts (wanting comfort now).
(These Parts distinctions are based on Internal Family Systems.)

The Manager type goals are worthy goals - however they dominate our society, often at the expense of rest, nurture, pleasure, caretaking, and tending to the vulnerable energies that live inside each and every one of us. 

I love Resisting parts (and Self Sabotage and Procrastination), because they wave the flag of disagreement. They clue us in to our complexities that go far beyond the goals of success, as defined by our general western culture. They bring diversity to our inner world.

When we slow down with these parts, they invite us to notice where we need healing or growth. They invite us to question our bigger picture.
 

What truly brings satisfaction?
How and what is my best contribution at this time?
Are my actions and values in full alignment in all ways?
Am I touching the edge of partnership with the universe?
What needs healing in me, in order that I might become my fullest self? 

Inviting love and appreciation for your full spectrum of parts and inner complexities!
Love,
marta

Photo by Fadi Xd on Unsplash