Coming a-PART in a positive way

If you've worked with me in the last 6 months, you surely noticed my new love affair of talking about PARTS. 
"Part of me is delighted to be performing, but other parts are tired and overwhelmed."
"Part of me wants to eat all the chocolate chip cookies....and another part wants to take a nap....and another part thinks I should go for a run and eat carrots."
"Part of me is distracted today by all the other things I need to get done."

So what's the deal with the parts language? I remember when I first started seeing my therapist I said to her, "I'm open to trying IFS (Internal Family Systems), but do we have to talk about Parts all the time?" Even the instructor of my recent Level 1 IFS training would often say that when she was first introduced to the model, she would say, "yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds good, but do we really have to talk about parts?" 

It's pretty normal to have some concerns about this way of talking. Here are some reasons I think it's worth trying.

1. It's calming to our system to simply identify all of the activated Parts. To find the part who has anxiety, or who is mad, or skeptical - just that knowledge alone sometimes brings a shift and creates more openness and curiosity.

2. Parts language helps create healthy compartmentalization. You can even make a deal with your parts, to promise to spend time with activated parts at a convenient time, so you can focus, perform, create, write, etc when you need to. The key is that you must follow through or your parts will learn to distrust this deal.

3. It gives us one step of space between US as a person and the emotion, thought, or physical sensation. The Part is not all of me. I am more than this thought, feeling, sensation, or action. Even our more extreme feelings are parts - parts that contribute to self sabotage, writer's block, stage fright, etc. And beyond the creative world, extreme parts show up in eating disorders, sexually acting out, cutting, drinking, drugs, you name it. Even these challenging feelings and actions, they do not encompass the entirety of our being. 

4. Our parts always have a positive intention. It may not be immediately obvious, but it's there. Self sabotage is a way to protect from external rejection. Performance anxiety is a strong message that tender parts need more care. Eating disorders are a way to control life. Finding the positive intention gives space for self compassion, which builds on itself to extend compassion to all people. It makes dealing with humans that much easier. 

4. We all have Parts. No one is immune. It's a great human equalizer. Some of us have parts that are more extreme, but Parts are always acting from a positive intention, even if the action is deplorable. It's easier to bring more compassion to our self, and to others, when we know we or they are acting from parts. 

5. We can witness and truly unburden parts that are carrying old wounds and traumas. This is life changing, people. Rather than shoving, pushing, pulling, twisting, contorting so that those old wounds don't come out in weird ways, or they do come out and affect those around you, IFS offers a way to truly heal. This is done by...
6. ....treating parts like people. You are a person, and your parts are part of you. Not that you have to think or believe you have a multitude of people living in and around your body. But using our natural interpersonal skills, we listen to the parts and the stories they carry. 

7. So much nuance and clarity comes with Parts language, because the inner complexity of our being is more fully seen, understood, verbalized, witnessed.

8. Parts can be seen as members of the orchestra, and SELF is the conductor.SELF is that core essence of who you are, that energy of you that is naturally full of Confidence, Courage, Compassion, Curiosity, Creativity, Calm, Connection, Clarity, and Choice. It is relieving and calming to know that no Part is in charge. SELF becomes the natural leader of all the parts and our system. 

I'm truly curious, how does the Parts language strike you? I'd really love to know. Now that I am thoroughly at ease with this language shift, it would be super helpful to get a fresh perspective again from people who are just being acquainted with this way of working. Leave a comment on the blog, or drop me a note. 

[video] Lacking Confidence? Turn your Inner Critic from Foe into Friend

Oh, my Critic is fierce about the title of this post - Lacking Confidence? Turn Your Critic from Foe into a Friend. It sounds kinda gimmicky, no? But at the same time, I really and truly believe it, as I have lived it and see it happening for others. And so I hear my Critic and acknowledge it's concerns, and then make a choice based upon many factors - time, pragmatism, done is better than perfect, and yes, the Critic's concerns. 

And to appease my Critic, I want you to know that this is not a gimmick. But it also is not necessarily quick and easy. Identifying that voice within you that criticizes, understanding why it does so, and developing true compassion for this part of you - it all takes effort. Like building a relationship with a friend. We don't get friends by simply willing it to happen. It takes repeated contact, repeated efforts, honest communication, etc. Same thing with the Critic within us. 

For those of you who don't like watching videos, here is an outline of the four steps to making friends with this voice of criticism.
1. Think of this voice as a PART of you, not all of you. A container that holds these concerns. How do you notice this Part showing up for you?

2. When you connect with this voice as a Part, can you approach it with curiosity? It's easy to get caught up in arguments with yourself, or drowned by the feelings of not-good-enough. But if you can find a little space to look at it with curiosity, what do you notice? How does it show up? When is it triggered?

3. Notice it's positive intention. That voice of criticism can be important for self regulation and a motivator for growth. How do you see the positive intent of your Critic?

4. If you can see your Critic has a positive intention, can you turn towards it with compassion? Compassion is the gift that pays dividends. Oodles of research shows how self compassion leads to greater growth, resiliency, increased drive and dedication to your goals. Finding compassion for this one voice can help you befriend the Critic, AND over time, the Critic can modify how it does it's job. I personally have experienced a big shift - from constant anxiety over mistakes, and now I can relate to that voice as a source of guidance, assessment, and wisdom. 

Drop me a note and let me know how it's going. Or come to one of my free classes and put this theory into action with guidance and support. 

With love and compassion for you and your Critic,
Marta

When your dream job goes bad, or even worse, becomes a nightmare

How did you envision a life in the arts? Perhaps a dream of how great it would be to be paid to make art. Your days spent practicing and refining your craft. Connecting with other like-minded artists, collaborating and elevating your artistry on a regular basis. Getting into flow, and moving, touching, provoking your audience in some way. Maybe even making a difference in the world with your art.

You work hard, you spend years training and refining. Finally the stars align and you get the job. Excitement! Celebrations! The dream is happening!

You get the job and you show up to work, excited, optimistic. Then you start to hear the gossiping, the complaining, the imperfections around you, the threats of job cuts or lowered pay, or unreasonable requests on your time. You meet bitter colleagues, unpleasant directors, belt-tightening administrators, or even abusive people in power positions. 

Or you work for people who do not hold the same values as you and are perhaps racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ableist, ageist. 

Last year, there was an exposé of sexual and physical abuse at Profiles Theater in Chicago, raising awareness that serious abuse in the arts can and does happen. 

Not everyone experiences this. I was talking to a friend the other day who said she has received marvelous treatment from some of the best theatres in Chicago, and she is happy and excited every time she goes to work.

But for those who do experience this, it can feel like betrayal. Because you’ve worked so very hard for this wonderful dream. You’ve poured your heart, soul, and resources into achieving the dream. 

Your feelings can range from disillusionment, to internal conflict, sadness, grief, to downright fear for your bodily safety and your career. 

Here are a few suggestions of ways to cope. Of course, your chosen actions will vary depending upon the circumstances you are facing. This is an imperfect list! I’d love to hear from you and how you deal with imperfect jobs and imperfect people. 

• There is no easy solution if you are dealing with difficult circumstances. On the one hand, you are probably so happy to have a job in the arts. On the other, people around you might be making your life miserable. Acknowledging the challenge of your circumstances and the pain that you feel can be affirming and bring some relief.
   
• Commit to self care. What are the things that keep you sane, keep you healthy, give you the best chance to be your best self? 
   
• Let your administration know your concerns. Or the union rep. Or a trusted colleague. If you feel like you might be experiencing abuse, check out Not In Our House, an organization that fights abuse in Chicago theater. I particularly love their Statement of Principles and their emphasis on mediation to resolve conflicts. If you are not in Chicago, certainly they can point you in a direction of help for your location.
   
• Find truly meaningful outlets. Find arts endeavors that fill your soul, even if it doesn't pay. Connect with people who love you and value you. Participate in a social movement. Do your part to make the world a better place.
   
• Quit. You don't have to pay the bills via art in order to be an artist. That is so much pressure! I've experienced this first hand, and countless other artists have talked about this topic. It can be so very freeing to make art based upon all the other reasons aside from financial. This is a huge step, and not one to take lightly, and it is definitely not the answer for everyone. But if your organization does not mesh with your values, it is worth considering.
   
• Take care of your parts that get activated. The present is a revolving door to unhealed parts from our past. Our parts carry emotional baggage, and if they are triggered by your work, deal with them and help them relieve their burden. Your activated parts might be interacting with the environment in ways that make things worse for yourself. If you can bring healing to these parts, you will bring your best self to a challenging environment.
   
• Remember that your colleagues have parts that are activated in this situation too. Chances are, if you're feeling stressed, others are as well. Chances are, if you are not your best self in this organization, others are showing up with extreme parts leading the way too. This can be parts that like to gossip, complain, criticize, compare, be nasty, be critical, be judgmental. Or parts that get timid in the face of bigotry and abuse, that wilt under pressure, that shy away from conflict. And performance anxiety might be rampant but not talked about. Recognizing that your colleagues are acting from Parts, not their whole best self, can perhaps allow you to extend a little grace in their direction. Extending a little grace might, just might take the edge off a moment of tension, or allow new connections and the beginnings of humanizing to happen. 
   
• On the other hand, don't be a martyr! Find ways to remove yourself from the ugliness rather getting drawn into it. If you are dealing with abuse, do not try to extend an olive branch. Take care of yourself and your safety as your top priority. 
   
• It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing kind of situation. I'm into pro and con lists these days. It's another angle on parts work. For example: One part of me loves working for ArtsOrgNumeroUno! I get to make art to the highest standards! I'm with other excellent artists! It's the best! On the other hand, it's also true that I absolutely hate working here. People are mean and backstabbing. There's too much complaining. There's sexism and homophobia. It's all white and non-inclusive. It doesn't match my values. Pro - they pay me money to do this! Wow! Con - I have to work weird hours. I have to stay up late. Pro - if I didn't work here, I'd miss all these great opportunities for art making. Con -  every time I'm here I'm mad as hell and agitated and it makes my stomach hurt. 
  
  With this pro/con list making, you don't actually have to make a decision. Giving voice to the strong conflicting feelings can bring internal relief and clarity. And boundaries. And better choices about how you act when you are there. And sometimes you might end up making a different choices, with confidence and self assurance.

I started this blog post thinking about people I know who've been disillusioned by the arts world and the organizations that are less than perfect. But it turns out this topic is big. Experiences can range from challenging colleagues, to low pay and time not being respected, to outright abuse. All experiences are difficult and valid in their own way. If you are in one of these circumstances and weighing the above suggestions, please check in with your heart and see which feel right to you. Not all apply to every situation or to every person.

Wishing you satisfaction and meaning in your artistic work.
Warmly,
Marta

[video] chocolate + peanut butter + butter + emotions

After my last blog post, Another F*@&ing Growth Opportunity, a friend asked to see my ratios for chocolate, peanut butter, and butter. I made a video so you can see for yourself. 

You may be wondering, 'what the heck does this have to do with being a performer or a creative person?' 

Identifying two opposing sides, or parts, in my head led to listening to what each part wanted. Listening and seeing how each part actually wants to help is a major shift and can radically interrupt and stop the spinning arguments in one's head. It's quite amazing. 

So you might have arguments about if you're good enough for xy and z auditions, or what your colleague said to you, or what you should eat tonight. Teasing apart the voices that argue, understanding that they each have positive intentions, and then listening, leads to pretty interesting consequences. And more internal peace, compassion, clarity, and all sorts of other good things too. 

Check out this 4 minute video and see what you think. And I'd love to know if you try the chocolate concoction and how you like it!

Another F*#&ing Growth Opportunity

I grew up in Minnesota, where a favorite state saying is, “It could be worse.” While that is in fact true, things can always get worse, it doesn’t actually make my current feelings any better.

We’ve been dealing with one setback after another at our house, so I've been mulling alternate ways to ride the waves of difficult times. Here's what I've been working with:

1. Feel sorry for yourself. Permission to wallow. 
2. Don’t compare yourself to others who have it worse. Yes, truly bad and horrific things are happening everywhere. Does you suppressing your emotions help them in any way? NOPE. Dealing with your true emotions will ultimately give you more resources and then you can help those less fortunate than you.
3. Journal.
4. Get mad. (Although be careful about directing anger at others. Anger can be damaging to relationships.)
5. Swear a lot. 
6. Don’t make big decisions. Avoid decisions at all costs.
7. OR make the big decision that you’ve been avoiding. Are you stuck in the vortex of SH*T for a reason? Is there something you can do to make it better?
8. Ask for help. Anyone who offers, take them up on it.
9. Cry. Crying flushes away cortisol, the stress hormone.
10. Know who your friends are. Don’t look to help from people who will lecture you, or tell you about how others have it worse, or turn it into a convo about themselves, or whatever....
11. Eat chocolate. Or in my case, eat extra dark chocolate with peanut butter AND butter. Try it, it is awesome.
12. Drink wine. Or gin and tonics. 
13. Have a dance party. In your underwear. With your toddler. Or alone.
14. Escape. Coping will be easier if you can find times of comfort and release from the situation.
15. Watch something funny.
16. Laugh. Laughter is a great natural stress reliever. Let yourself laugh until you cry. 
17. Move your body in the way that feels good to you.
18. Get outside.
19. Stop feeling guilty about The Shoulds. What do you tell yourself you should do, should be, should think, should feel? Whose voice is that anyways?
20. Spend money on a good therapist. This will save you in the long run.
21. Throw sh*t away. Clearing out physical space sometimes helps with the mental space.
22. Do it imperfectly. I mean, things are always imperfect. But they might seem extra imperfect during a time of stress. But sometimes you gotta get stuff done, and done is better than perfect.
23. This too shall pass. That’s the one constant, right? Life always changes. Hang in there, it will get better.
24. Remember that good things can come out of difficult circumstances. I like the quote, "never let a crisis go to waste." A crisis creates an opportunity for positive change, for learning more about yourself, for making the hard decision, for strengthening relationships, for deep healing. Or to put it another way, "Another F#*@ing Growth Opportunity."

If this resonates, I’m sending you big virtual hugs. And if you're willing, leave a comment here about how you deal with a stormy time of life. 
Until next time,
Marta
PS - sometimes things go beyond hard and you may feel like you really are sinking into an abyss you cannot return from. Please seek help from a professional if you are contemplating hurting yourself.

When advice causes inner conflict

If you're anything like me, when confronted with conflicting advice I feel little flutters of panic and agitation. It heightens the sense of pressure around the choice, like there is no way to win. Someone is going to be upset. Or disappointed. Or I will be wrong one way or the other. 

Do you feel this way? I always wonder if it's just me that feels these things....

At any rate, you maybe have received this advice about conflicting advice - You must figure out what is best for you, because you're the one performing or creating. 

Ahhh, even more pressure! Why can't I just follow what the experts say? Now I have to figure out what I think is right for me! 

That is the most annoying thing. You are looking to experts, paying experts, to tell you the right way. Making it in the art and performing world is tough enough. You want answers, you want help, you want clarity and direction.

And then you get more confusion. Or even more turmoil and anxiety. 

You probably know that ultimately it is best to figure out what choices feel right to you, even if they break rules or go against the advice of trusted mentors. But why can this feel so hard?

If you related to the feelings of panic and agitation at the prospect of conflicting advice, let me suggest it is amplifying internal conflict. Right? Maybe you already knew this. Probably you did. However, it's taken me forever to learn this lesson.

Internal conflict can show up as a sense of uncertainty, of not knowing, and feeling not okay with that state. It can also show up as voices arguing in your head. This argument repeats and repeats, as if neither side hears the other. Or inability to commit to a decision, a choice. Feeling wishy-washy and confused.

I always come back to the question of WHY does external advice leave me feeling agitated or uncertain? Why don't I know my own answers? What can help me to know more of myself in this process?

Here's what I do when I feel agitated by external advice. 

1. Notice the feeling. 
   "Agitated. Upset. Panic that I'm going to be wrong." Whatever it is you feel, notice it. 
2. Where do you feel this in your body? 
   How do you know you're feeling that way? Is there a voice talking to you in your head? A sensation in your stomach? A general unease?
3. What does this voice/feeling/sensation want you to know?
   Hear it with as much space and understanding as possible. "Ahh, I feel the turmoil in my belly! Got it, it is really strong. Yep, I hear you are upset and worried that you'll do it wrong."
4. Can you identify more than one voice, part, or desire?
   What is the internal conflict about? What are the arguments, the internal disputes really about? I mean, the dispute over where to breath in your music isn't really about that. It might be worrying that the conductor will hate your choice, but you just need that breath. Or it might be feeling that breathing more somehow makes you feel not good enough. Whatever it is, can you get under the surface reason and find a deeper reason?
5. Somewhere in there, you do know the answer. 
   I mean, I'm not saying you are an expert at everything. I'm not saying if you just trusted yourself more you could do surgery. I'm saying, when facing artistic and musical choices, you do have an opinion that you can rely upon. Sometimes in fact, you do need more training and knowledge. But you can at the same time, hone your internal instincts and self-trust, while working on gaining the needed knowledge and tools.
6. Be patient.
   It can take time, but with following this process, you can find the trust and solid knowledge of what is right for you. This is so helpful in being a courageous artist. Think of the artists you love the most. Many of them break rules, push boundaries, make bold choices. What leads them to do so? Inner trust and belief in their artistic choices.

Where does internal conflict show up for you? What are the layers underneath that conflict? As always, I'd love to hear from you. Or leave a note on the blog. 

Cheers to making bold choices and trusting your Inner Artist!