Playing safe is risky business

The impossible goal of being PERFECT keeps showing up in my life. I remember years ago a colleague of mine saying to me something about being a perfectionist and I thought, 'really? I'm so very far from perfect, how can he see me as a perfectionist?' That stayed with me because it made me realize that my goal of appearing perfect was coming across as something different - hard on myself, unforgiving, driven, upset by mistakes. My secret desire to appear perfect was backfiring!

This topic is a thread that reappears in my life as it slowly unwinds. It is on my mind again while I am participating in a 30 day video challenge. 

It's challenging for me to go with the first take, as is recommended, and to know I could spend ten more minutes to get better lighting, to put on a little makeup, to brush my hair, to think through my words, to follow directions as much as possible.

But life is such that those extra ten minutes mean I might not get the video done today - my toddler might wake from his nap. Those ten minutes mean I might not get to respond to emails today. So I sacrifice my best effort in service of a bigger goal - staying with the project in all my flaws and imperfection.

This all relates to politics too. My Perfectionist part wants me to do everything possible every day to help my causes. The stakes feel high. But juggling being perfect in Activism, as well as motherhood, as well as work....well, it's impossible. 

This thread of believing that perfection, or appearing perfect, is actually attainable, has negatively affected my playing and performing. It is a current of fear that has restrained me and boxed me in, musically and creatively. If perfection is the goal, avoiding mistakes are higher priority than making art, than connecting with my collaborators, than being in flow. 

Perfectionism has a good/bad duality, right/wrong. Of course, wrong notes are wrong. But are wrong notes worse than being boring and uninspired? Closed off and locked down?

The fear of truly being seen, in our honesty and authenticity, is scary and vulnerable. Perfectionism is fake protection. No one can be perfect. Very few performances would live up to a standard of perfect. What is perfect anyways? Perfect technique? Perfectly happy audience? Perfect notes? 

Being a classical musician, striving for high standards, is a double edged sword. It can push us to be our best, to continue seeking better and better technique for the service of more ease and excitement in performance. It can be the motivating force to choose tough teachers and coaches and summer programs and conductors.

But, like for me, it can be a box that ends up cutting you off from your humanity and the kernel of inspiration and electricity. The question of whether high standards are helping, or hurting, or both, and in which ways, might prove useful to you.

Even if you know that your striving for perfectionism hurts you, it's a hard path to unwind. It's one thing to know it's hampering you, it's another to stop that pattern. Here's one way you might start:

• Think of a time when you felt like high standards hemmed you in some way. What did it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body?
• Is there a voice that goes along with this? A repeated mantra, a refrain of not-good-enough? 
• Get to know this part of you. What does it want? What is it's intention? Can you find a positive intention in its driving force? Can you
• Let this perfection part know you hear and see the intention that drives it and drives you.
• Be patient. The work of transformation is slow. Be kind to yourself and this part that so desperately wants perfection. 

In an effort to live out my efforts for more humanity and less perfection, I'm writing this newsletter in one morning and sending it out the same day. Does all that extra fluffing around with adjectives and commas actually make my writing better? I have no idea. But I'm giving it a try to wing it, to go with my instinct, to go for connection rather than perfection. Maybe it will annoy you to see more mistakes in my writing. Maybe you won't notice. Maybe this isn't any different than how I perceive it on the inside. It's all an experiment anyways, right? 

Thanks for reading, and cheers to you being your true and imperfect self!
Marta

A year older and it's time for change.

On the wall of my music room is the Holstee Manifesto. It starts like this:

This is Your Life.
Do what you love and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.

I've been fortunate to do something I love for the last dozen years - making music for my living. But over the last several years there has been a slow internal shift. And this fall I made it official:

I’m changing careers.

I'm letting go of gigging and performing, and focusing solely on Inner Artist Coaching (with a little vocal coaching mixed in).
 

What is Inner Artist Coaching? 

You know how being an artist, a performer, a creative type person can be hard? There are many external obstacles in the world – irregular work and finances; auditions + rejections + more auditions + more rejections; freelancing and trying to find time for passion projects. I mean, the list could go on and on, right?

And then there are the inner battles we all experience in one way or another – self doubt; performance anxiety; fear of success; fear of failure; procrastination – writers block, composers block, painters block. Basically getting in our own way!

As I’ve written about, I tried many tools to overcome my performance anxieties. The one that has worked the best, has transformed my life, and that I’m now in a year long training for, is Internal Family Systems therapy/coaching.

The long and short of this approach is believing that the discomfort, pain, fear that we experience is there for a reason. It is in getting to know these emotions more deeply that they can transform into more helpful emotions or qualities, or just step out of the way when the job needs to get done.
 

How does Inner Artist coaching apply to being a performer or artist? 

A core belief of Internal Family Systems is that we already have many of the internal resources we need. Deep inside, we know how to perform, how to create, how to write, how to have resilience, how to handle criticism. Confidence, calm, and capability is hardwired into our system, just as fear as a survival technique is hardwired into us. 

Fear is no small obstacle. It is present to keep us safe and alive. The strength of this fear can derail us from many of our life's goals and passions. 

It is in getting to know the deep concerns of fear and discomfort that we actually uncover the confidence and calm and capabilities that we already have. 

I’m doing it right now. Every time I sit down to write, I have conflicting feelings. I have the desire to get words and emotions onto my screen, out into the world, to be seen and read and heard and valued. At the same time, I get a tightness in my chest, a turn in my belly, distracted and racing mind – fear.

I sit with the duality of desires – one to do the work and the other to run away. And in fact, when I stop and listen to the tightness in my chest and the turn in my belly, I become more deeply connected to who I am, and write from the center of me, rather than the wordiness of my head. And the tightness transforms into something else, something useful, something connected, something energized.

So that’s what we do in Inner Artist coaching. Get to know the parts of you who come up around your art. Get to know their concerns. Welcome them. Treat them with kindness and build relationships with them. We apply this process to your art making. Make some music and see what parts come up. Write something and see about the concerns. Create something and see where energy and creativity go astray.

It is through this process that transformation happens. Art becomes easier. Performing becomes more fun. Practicing, writing, editing, composing becomes more enjoyable. Flow happens.

Overwhelmed by the world? Do art.

Henry David Thoreau was a weirdo. He spent several years living in the woods, away from civilized people, doing his own thing, writing books, talking about nature and ponds, and oh yeah, peace and stuff.

Gandhi read Thoreau's writings and was greatly influenced by them. His ideas of peaceful resistance became the bedrock of Gandhi’s protests in India.

Martin Luther King, Jr. was inspired by Gandhi. The civil rights movement owes it’s lineage to both Gandhi and therefore back to the weirdo living in the woods, doing his thing, Henry David Thoreau.I’m guessing that you might be feeling overwhelmed by the problems in our country and the impending Time of Trump.

Looking at the news, the social media, our families, the division, the proposed cabinet members, the erupting hate, the feeling of powerlessness.

Wow. That is enough to make me want to find a cave near the woods and come out again after four years, hoping, wishing that I can go back to my life as I want it to be. Maybe you can relate?

Instead, I urge you to take action.

But where to start???

As much as the problem is overwhelming, sometimes the solution is overwhelming too. There are so many good groups with good intentions and good ideas. And protests. And money needed. And volunteers for soup kitchens. And political calls. And refugees arriving.

Not to mention the arts! Do the arts even have a place in this world right now? Maybe we should give up our endeavors and go camp out with protesters in Standing Rock. Or just eat more leftovers from Thanksgiving and stop thinking about all of this.

No, please don’t give up your passion.

In fact, I believe that living your passion is even more important now than ever.

Here’s the catch, living your passion with integrity and intention are key in these times.

This gets back to Henry David Thoreau. If he wasn’t true to himself, then he wouldn’t have lived like a hermit and written works that influenced both Gandhi and MLK.

What to do:

1. Now is the time to dig even deeper into who you truly are and the passions that drive you.

A few journaling prompts or questions to mull about your passion:
What do you think about all the time? What draws you into your imagination? What encourages day dreaming? What do you do on your non-working hours that connects back to passion? What makes you resonate with excitement? Where do you feel most alive? What brings that 'scary-excited' feeling?

Living fully into your passion and art is called for in these times. Not as a way to escape the grim realities, but as a way to be real in our realities. And to inspire people, to shine light in the dark places, to comfort.

This is where reflection is called for. Are you delving into you passion as a way to escape? Is that bad? Perhaps escape is what some people need in a night out at the opera or theater or dance.

Some relief from the problems at hand is not necessarily bad. Staying deep in pain is challenging, and giving ourselves a break can refresh and renew our spirits and efforts.

And while you are acting truer to yourself, are there callings to become more involved in politics, or in helping the needy? Where can you make a difference? I so easily get overwhelmed by all the choices and the finite resources of time and money. This is a growing edge for me too!

1. What is one small step you can commit to today, this week, this month, to take action on your passions and/or helping the world? You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to sign every petition, join every group, do all the things. Pick ONE thing and do it. Some action is better than no action.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed by the positive choices available and not commit to anything. The stakes are higher than ever for all of us to get involved and be active. 

For myself, I’m committing to get more involved with two politicians that I really believe in. I’m reading two books to educate myself further – Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates and Strangers in Their Own Land by Arlie Russell Hochschild. Each book delves into a world I don’t know. One is growing up black in Baltimore, the other is arch-conservative Louisiana. I'm committed to making political phone calls every week. I'm writing blog posts on topics that feel scary and vulnerable to me, like this one. 

And I'm shifting all of my work to using Internal Family Systems in Inner Artist coaching. This methodology brings so much inner healing, I have hope that this will make an impact for everyone who experiences it.
 
Do these actions solve the problems? No. Do they contribute a drop in the bucket towards healing and progress? I hope so. 
 
I remind myself that this is not a sprint, this is a long marathon. Many generations moving towards justice and healing. As MLK said, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

I'd love to know what actions you are inspired to take. Writing them down, telling another person, saying them out loud, makes them more real and you're more likely to follow through on your commitments. 
 
Keep on with the good work, friends.

With love,
Marta

Two more articles you may enjoy:
Hate, grief and a new story.
This is long, but worth the read. I've read it and reread it several times because I find it comforting and a good lens with which to view the world and the election. Basic premise - we are in a time of major change. The election is just a small part of this major change. Major change creates a vacuum and either it can be filled with more hate and division or it can be filled with empathy and compassion. So how about trying on the lens of compassion and empathy for a while? Many of us have strong feelings toward the opposite side, especially when we've been hurt or fear for our lives. But returning hate for hate does not make hate go away. 

And this from Toni Morrison on why artists must be active at times like these.

Taking care of yourself when it feels like the world is going to hell

Friends, I am reeling after the election last week. I'm in some deep grief. Not just about the result of the election, but also that half of our country is suffering in ways that have been so untended to and so unheard that they are willing to vote for a person who is hurtful, racist, sexist, and encourages violence and division. Yes, some people feel renewed permission to unleash stored up anger and meanness and we are hearing reports of just such events, causing fear of what is to come. But I choose to believe that people are good, and are designed to seek connection and common humanity, while knowing that humans are also capable of inflicting horrors upon one another. I pray that our deepest fears are not realized.

On Election night, as the results were coming in and I was feeling stunned, I saw this post by my friend Christine on Facebook:

"The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with ________. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling."

How about you? Are you feeling any of these feelings? 

And maybe you're feeling pleased and happy with the results of the election. And yet you are seeing the protests erupting around the country and feeling disconnected or angry at the people protesting. You may have feelings stored up for years about past presidents, the legislature, the gridlock in Washington or your home state, the hopelessness and helplessness at seeing your job disappear, or wages decline, or ....

I'm adding my two cents to all that is torrenting in the blogosphere: holding space for how you are feeling in this moment. While these steps may seem small, in my view, they are essential in developing the capacity for long term action and healing. Because we all know the problems we are facing are massive and overwhelming. 
 

What to do when life is feeling overwhelming, scary, confusing, upended?

When things are tough and I feel muddled and confused, my fallback question is:

How am I feeling in this moment?

Not how should I feel, but how am I truly feeling? 

Where am I feeling this feeling?

So often my body gives me a trail of clues. Tense shoulders clue me in that my heart is feeling locked down and protective, and covering up my belly which is full of turmoil and anxiety. 

This brings me into this moment, into my body. Part of fear is about past events and about future worries. Being in the moment can bring some relief and calm our nervous system. So many of us are living in a heightened state of fear, which triggers the nervous system into Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Our body system is priming for survival on a daily or hourly basis, living in this adrenalized state far more than it ever was designed.

This is a long game, not a sprint away from disaster. Taking a minute to breathe into these feelings helps calm the nervous system, backing away from the ledge of panic. 

The next step, as painful as it is, is to acknowledge, "OK. That's how I'm feeling right now." No need to change, to process, to talk about, to journal, to distract, to run away. Just sit with it this moment, for as long as you can tolerate it. Sometimes, sitting with it long enough, it will change on its own. It might grow bigger, it might overwhelm, it might move around your body. Or checking back in on the feeling over the course of the day you might also see changes.

If you are feeling pain and fear from this election, these circumstances are not going to go away anytime soon. I have many fears for the world, for our country, for our economy, for our environment, for minorities, for immigrants, for women. At this moment for me, I fear getting stuck in fear and anger and depression and hopelessness for the foreseeable future. Tending to my grief and overwhelm are essential for my health and sanity. I would say that tending to our ongoing societal grief and fear, on all sides, from all parties, from all corners, from all income levels, from all education backgrounds, is essential as well, otherwise the same problems will continue without resolve.

Friend, I am sending you love and compassion, for whatever emotional state you are in, wherever you are in this process. 
With love,
Marta

PS, here are some articles that may resonate with you right now.
I wrote this post this past summer about dealing with the grief in the world. I feel the advice is still appropriate.
http://innerartistry.space/blog/is-your-soul-feeling-world-weary

I love, love, love this writing from Tad Hargrave. It is about death of old ways, rebirth of new possibilities, and staying in grief and heartbreak in order to birth the new. 
https://www.facebook.com/notes/tad-hargrave/let-it-burn-on-trump-this-appalling-moment/10154247540379032
"I don’t think what’s being asked of us is to get over our hurt and heartbreak of this moment. I think we are being asked to be heartbroken already, to feel the preciousness of what may be slipping from view and weave that feeling into everything we do and wear the heartbreak beautifully for everyone to see. I think we are being asked to create beauty from even our regrets of all that we didn’t see and all of the years we might deem now as wasted. I think we are being asked to do the hard work of lovinga world that keeps breaking our heart."

About building empathy, even for those who voted different than you: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_we_need_empathy_in_the_age_of_trump

Looking for the good in the election cycle:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_you_can_find_the_good_in_a_nasty_election_cycle?

How nap insomnia is like performance anxiety

Have you ever struggled with insomnia? It’s terrible. I had a recent bout of nap insomnia – which may not sound that bad. But sleep has been rough with our one year old and so I've been desperate to catch up on sleep whenever I have a spare moment.

I would carve out a time in my schedule – sacred nap time for both me and Loki. I’d lay down, so tired, ready to sleep.

And then my brain would spin.

And spin.

And I’d feel a fight happening in my body.

One part absolutely dying for this nap, counting the passing minutes, knowing that I was squandering my available sleep window.

Another part of me hating this plan. This part wanted me up and working. Writing blog posts. Practicing music. Updating my website. Washing dishes. Prepping dinner. Doing yoga.

I mean, the list of possible actions instead of napping are endless.

My napper just couldn’t compete with the part of me that wanted to get sh*t done.

It was an inner war and it never ended well for either side.

This kind of inner battle is similar to what many people experience in performance anxiety.

There is one part of you that really wants to perform. You love the music! You love the show! You love the people! You love the limelight! You love success!

Then there is the other part of you…
…that is afraid of failure. Afraid of making a mistake. Afraid of being discovered as a fraud. Not trusting your memory. Not trusting your technique. Afraid of [fill in the blank....].

It’s a challenging place to be, because you are experiencing strong conflicting desires.

This is normal and human. We all experience conflicting desires in one way or another. Performance anxiety just happens to be a very dramatic conflict.

Alas, there are no quick tricks to solving inner battles, or to solving performance anxiety. Wouldn't it be nice if this one blog post could resolve these anxieties for you, once and for all? That we could all wave our magic wands and make the uncomfortable feelings disappear? I so wish this!

But what can help is to recognize that the performance anxiety is only a Part of you, not all of you. Studies show that creating a little space around our feelings, not fully identifying with them, helps us gain perspective and to heal those big emotions. Calling these emotions or desires "Parts" often helps with the separation."Part of me can't wait to be onstage! Another Part of me is so worried about remembering my lines. Yet another Part of me is so tired and just wants to take a nap."

Identifying what or who those parts are is another way to create a little space and separation. "My Tired Part wants to avoid all the stress, I'm pulled in too many directions and can't focus. My Fearful Part remembers the time that I did forget my lines, it was terrible. My Artist Part loves the synergy and rush of adrenaline and being in flow."

Doing a little journaling and getting curious about these conflicting desires will go even farther. More on that step in the next blog post.

Until then, the next time you sense a big inner battle, take a breath, and see if you can isolate the different voices or desires that are in conflict and know that you are taking a step towards healing some of the internal conflict that is part of being human.

Audition season (and it feels like open season on your heart)

It's audition season for opera singers.

I recently listened to an episode on The Opera Box Score about audition horror stories. Stories of people having full out conversations while singing your heart out. Auditors eating lunch very loudly. No eye contact. Criticism for not bringing in a certain aria. Shame about clothing choices. Picking on words, diction, music editions.

Not to mention the weirdness that can exist in the hallway while waiting to audition. The nerves. The tense vibe. Hearing five sopranos before you, all singing the exact same piece. Your own personal battle with anxiety and preparedness.

And this isn't unique to auditions for singers. Acting, dance, orchestra, there are so many painful stories.

It makes my heart hurt just thinking of all the nastiness that can accompany the process of auditioning.

And the suggestion that is often put forth is to learn to deal with it. To grow thicker skin. As if it’s your own fault for being too sensitive.

A few years ago, I attended a weekend long workshop on dealing with performance anxiety. One of our first activities was to go around the room and each of us share something that made us nervous. In a room of about 25 people, more than half said that fear of judgement made them nervous.

I felt so validated in hearing that I was not alone.

And then the teacher remarked upon this trend, and his response was something along the lines of, “Judgement happens, so figure out how to get over it. Choose better thoughts.”

What? It's true that judgement happens and we have to learn how to deal with it, but his advice was less than helpful.

As musicians and performers, so many of us are attracted to our art because we are sensitive souls. We are moved by music, by theatre, by dance. It touches us in a way that has compelled us to invest our time, our energy, our resources. I mean, passion is the reason we are willing to put up with poor pay, strange hours, and hurtful treatment.

“Grow thicker skin.” Have you been told this before? This is blaming the victim. This is saying it's your fault for feeling things deeply. 

I so strongly disagree with that statement and that advice. In order to remain vulnerable in our art, we do not need to learn how to push down meanness, shove away grief and hurt feelings, to take responsibility for rude and insensitive people.

Instead, I offer that we can grow the capacity to tolerate hurtful situations, while loving and appreciating our vulnerability and 'thin skin'.

What I suggest, when you feel insulted, hurt, shamed by the audition process, I encourage you to take a breath and just let that hurt be present. And then offer yourself compassion, as you might to a young child.

Our normal and culturally strong reaction is to protect against those very tender and vulnerable feelings and immediately start an internal argument. Yelling at yourself to grow the proverbial thicker skin. Being upset that you made a mistake, or wore the wrong clothes, or arrived late. Blaming the audition panel because they are jerks. Pointing fingers at the pianist. Shutting down and numbing out with your preferred substance – internet, TV, food, alcohol, drugs.  

Mounting research shows that self compassion is far more effective, both for healing our wounds and for having high standards and a strong work ethic. Here's some simple suggestions for getting started with self compassion:

• Notice and identify your self talk. When it turns ugly, when you feel anxious, when you blame yourself, find a moment to pause. This in itself is powerful, and it can be challenging to even notice when the self talk runs down the well worn tracks of shame and blame.

• Take a breath and practice interrupting this onslaught of self criticism.

• There are three components to self compassion:

  • Self Kindness - talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend.

  • Common Humanity - recognize that you are not alone, and that what you are feeling is part of being human.

  • Mindfulness - Recognize what you are feeling without "over-identifying" with it. In the abstract, I find this super difficult. What does that even mean to over-identify. One way is to use Parts language: Part of me is feeling very wounded by the audition judges. Part of me is very angry. Etc. This creates a little distance between us and our emotions and allows us to give these emotions the needed space to be heard.

Compassion and good wishes for all of you auditioning in the near future. Leave a comment about your audition experience so we can all share some compassion together!