Ripple effects

A recent event triggered some shame in me. It was annoying. Bad feeling. Disrupting. Painful. Old. And I was dismayed to find that I went to patterns I thought I had retired - of feeling disembodied, which then caused me to have a terrible time practicing at the piano.

We all have shame. It is a condition of being human.

Brene Brown defines shame as believing I am bad, as opposed to guilt, which is I did something bad.

Even though this particular event had nothing to do with music, when I sat at the piano, I felt hurried, distracted, anxious, frustrated that nothing felt or sounded good. I turned tighter and tighter as I tried harder and harder to force things back on track.

The next morning my husband took my one year old for a walk and I had some time to myself. I poured out all my frustration about the shame trigger into my journal. Lots of swear words, lots of scribbling, lots of chaos.

And then I sat back down at the piano. Ahhh, better. Space to breathe, space to move, space to make mistakes. Not perfect, not totally resolved, but better.

Then I repeated the process the next day. And the next day. And probably will again in the near future.

My contention is this – doing the Inner Work helps us do our Artist Work better. Things in our life ripple into our artistry. Our artistry ripples out into our lives. Listening to the concerns of the various voices in our heads, giving air and space to the bad feelings, gives us more room to show up with our best self to our art.

I know this is contrary to much advice out there - think positive, choose better thoughts, just take action. As if we could simply control our thinking and then our life would be all better. Heck, I've even given similar advice on this blog in the past! 

But just like trying to ignore a crying child, ignoring the distasteful voices in our head doesn't make them disappear. Just like a needy child, what those voices need is some love and attention. After love and attention, then they can settle back down. Allowing better parts of you to step forward and take action where action is needed. 

Give it a try. Here are some journaling prompts (or you can talk to yourself, or to your recorder on your phone, or to a person, or just mull these questions):

Today I feel really frustrated about……
Lately, I’ve been feeling like this in my body……
My inner voices have arguments about…..
What I'm concerned about at this moment is.....
One small, simple, actionable step I can take to address these concerns is.....

See how you feel after getting in touch with the reality of your emotions. When you listen to what's really going on in your head and body, how do you feel? Does it make work, or creative efforts, or practicing, easier? Or perhaps harder? 

With love and appreciation for reading, 
Marta

Closet Cleaning

I recently had tea with a friend and we were talking about how good it feels to get rid of clothes that don’t fit. You know those ones you’ve been holding on to, in hopes that you’ll lose that extra weight, or that you’ll shift the mama belly somewhere else. Or clothes that you can fit in but are uncomfortable. You spend all day pulling them up or down or sideways, thinking “at least I look good,” but in reality you are just creating discomfort and tension in your body.

Letting go of those clothes can be so freeing. Sticking only with clothes that spark joy can be even better. 

My friend said, “What is the music analogy here?”

Brilliant!

The analogy is all the music you are supposed to learn because someone told you it would suit you. Or trying to squeeze yourself, manipulate, and push/pull yourself into a fache. Or taking orchestra auditions because that is the path you see others taking. Same thing for young artist programs. Or learning everything you can about the auditioners, trying to shape and push and pull yourself into fitting their ideals.

It might be the voice of a wise teacher or coach, who steers you in the right direction so many times, but you know what? They’re human too, and give imperfect advice. Or they are trying to live vicariously through you. Or want your success to be in a certain way so that it boosts their feelings of worth and value.

So, what are the wrong size clothes of the performing and creative world that you are trying to make fit, but simply feel wrong for you? What are you trying to squeeze your way into? What kind of mental closet cleaning can you do to let go of some of these expectations that hamper you from being you?

Easier said than done, right? 

First step - identify what doesn't fit. When making decisions about work choices notice what sits well and easily in your body, or gets you excited, even if it is excited-scared. Notice what creates feelings of heaviness and dread. What are you doing out of obligation?

The next step of letting go of other's expectations? Well, that is life work, in my opinion. Not something one decides to do and it is done. Give yourself some compassion on this front.

It's one thing to know some of these things in your head. But it's another thing to internalize and feel it deep in your bones. Shifting to deep inner knowledge takes time and sometimes it might even cause some grief, or anger, or anxiety. "Why did we spend all those years following the advice of others? Why didn't I listen to what ignites my excitement? Why did I waste my time doing x, y, and z? Is it too late? I don't want to start over!" 

So once you recognize some expectations you want to let go of, the next step is giving yourself permission to express the secondary emotions that follow. 

Let me know how your mental closet cleaning is coming along. I'd love to hear from you and your experiences of letting go of other's expectations!

Time to rest

Summer is a fun and funny time. I, and many people I know, expect to do all the things. Learn all the fun music that they didn’t have time to learn during the rest of the year, reorganize the house, do a summer program, go to the beach, have fun, travel, and oh yeah, rest.

Many of us who live and work in the artistic world have seasons of feast or famine. Certainly being involved in a production is a feasting mode that does not allow much time for reflection or self care. The joy of being in a show can also mean working a day job, rushing to rehearsal at night, going home to crash, and getting up early to rinse and repeat. It is simply impossible to carve out time for cooking, exercise, much less meditation or white space to unwind. 

A few weeks ago I taught a workshop and in past years I would have gone into a mild depression or funk afterwards. All the time spent in marketing and preparing, ramping up in intensity, and then suddenly it’s over. The openness of the calendar can feel strange. Or all the not-fun-details of life were put on hold and now loom large - bills, appointments, oil changes. Or maybe the calendar isn’t empty, and now I’m facing a full calendar and feeling depleted.

That funk after a big event is totally normal. Instead of fighting it, or saying I shouldn’t feel this way, what about embracing this time as an essential rebalancing of energy? Giving yourself the gift of sitting in this space will bring you back to center sooner.

The funk might be about big emotions that you didn't have time to deal with during your busy time. Or sadness that the project is over. Or worry about what's coming next, or if there is something coming next. It can be about transition time and the difficulty that transitions present. Or it might be plain old fatigue that is insisting upon being heard. 

What do you need for true rest and refilling of your artistic well?

I’ve found a new interest in drawing and watercolor painting. Let’s be clear, I don’t know what I'm doing, but I’m finding satisfaction in playing with lines and color. Maybe even feeling like not knowing what I’m doing gives me permission to do whatever I want. There is no right and wrong, no good and bad. Just curiosity and exploration. I’m even using babysitter time for this on occasion when I feel stuck or unfocused in work.

It can be hard to fit rest into our busy lives, but that's the problem, isn't it? Finding rest doesn't have to mean scheduling an entire free day, or going to the spa. Here are other restorative activities that I like: yoga, sitting under big trees in the park with my one-year-old, cooking, sipping a delicious glass of wine, journaling, acupuncture (I have a fabulous acupuncturist that I would be so happy to recommend to you), reading a book, listening to live music outdoors.

What about you? In these few remaining weeks of summer, where the to-do list might be towering because time is a-fleeting, what can you do to bring balance and resilience to the drive and determination? What feels restful? What gives you permission to follow your desire without guilt? Leave a comment and let's gather some great ways to rest and renew!

Is your soul feeling world weary?

The events of the world, and our country, have been on my mind and heart lately. Yours too? Yes, I’m not surprised. We artists and creative people often feel the pain in the world deeply.

It can feel wrong to continue on with our creative pursuits, as if ignoring the world around us. Perhaps feeling guilt and grief that we have the privilege to immerse ourselves in art, while other people are just trying to survive.

I don’t have the solution for this, other than to talk about it and acknowledge it. Words are my friend, and processing always helps me. Perhaps you too.

At the same time that I get weighed down by the world, I feel like my mission in life is to help people with the inner blocks to being an artist, and if I ignore that calling for too long, that hurts too. Not doing my work, and perhaps getting stuck in depression, doesn’t actually help anyone.

The hurts in the world are very, very big. They have always been so. The difference now is we have technology and social media to make these hurts more widely known.

I have loved-hurt hearing the stories of real people and their experiences. Not the news casting it in their way. Not politicians spinning. Not the memes of social media. But real people talking about living life in brown and black skin. About getting pulled over, arrested, car towed, food spoiled, cell phone removed, lack of contact with family, threats, violence, murder, fear so ingrained that the hair-trigger is pulled. It’s painful to know the truth of these experiences.

These stories from all corners are powerful. But if we don’t have the capacity to really hear the stories, what happens? Vitriol. Blame. Accusations. Assumptions.

Hurts need airing and hearing. South Africa's leaders knew this and put it in action through the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. If you cannot hold space for your own griefs and pains in your life, then either you will get stuck indepression, overwhelm, avoidance (this is my tendency), or the path of blame, disbelief, shame, when hearing stories of systemic racism, sexism, violence and unrest around the world.

So this is my suggestion for you – practice making space for the griefs and hurts you experience. Rejected from something you auditioned for and really wanted? Hold space for your hurt, without pushing it away, logicking it to death, rationalizing, or blaming. Had a bad performance experience? Hold space for your pain. No one signing up for your studio lessons? Be with the sadness. No one is buying art from your Etsy shop? Sit with the sorrow.

(Simply sitting with our sorrow can be a massive undertaking. Here's one way I like to do this - Get Curious. As a way to remove the judgment from my feelings, I ask as many questions as I can of the particular feeling. For example - Sadness. Where are you located in my body? What do you feel like? Where is the center of the sadness? Is intensely focused, or spread thickly, or ribboned in waves? Does it move? Are there secondary locations? What words come to mind with this feeling? What does it want me to know? Can I touch it and sit still with it for 5 seconds? 30 seconds? A minute?)

(And some griefs and feelings are so powerful that it is helpful to find an ally and support for touching them. A trusted and wise friend, a professional therapist, a pastor. You get the idea.)

Two things will happen when you do this – the intensity of the pain you experience will lessen when you can truly sit with it as it is. And then, as you develop your capacity over time to hold your own grief, you will develop more capacity to be with others in their grief. Just be with them. Simply and deeply hear the truth of their experience.

(A third benefit is that healing your griefs will help you be more resilient in your creative endeavors. Releasing energy from the hurt frees up energy to devote to your work.)

This doesn't solve the worlds problems. I recognize that I am writing from the vantage point of white privilege. But saying something and doing something is better than sticking your head in the sand.
The capacity to listen and really hear the stories, even from people we strongly disagree with, can bring healing on a personal level.

Along these lines, I want your story and reactions. Taking about race can be challenging, but I'm committed to trying, even if I say something wrong. So please let me know how I can do it better. 

Now please excuse me while I sip some wine while sitting with my sorrow. 

With love,
Marta

Your greatest strength? Liability? Or both?

Sometimes our greatest strengths can also be our most tender liabilities. In this video, I talk about how hiding underneath my desire for connection and relationship with people was also so much concern about what people think about me. This tender, vulnerable part of me spiraled out of control so that I couldn't function while practicing or performing, fearing that I would mess up, fearing that my colleagues would think badly of me, fearing I would need to find a new career. 

What is one of your greatest strengths? Is there a flip side to this strength? What is the root fear of the flip side? Understanding and healing the weakness will help you live in your strength in a balanced way.

In your emotional life, this means tending to the vulnerable parts of yourself, not pushing those vulnerabilities away, but hearing the concerns and pains and fears, making space. Once those fears have been heard and they have settled, then it's easier to reconnect to our intentions and dreams. 

In performing, this helps you find grounding, confidence, connection to your collaborators, and joy in the moment.

In daily life, this helps you stay focused on your goals and dreams.

Overcoming Performance Anxiety: Internal Family Systems

Big feelings. Conflicting feelings. Arguing in my head. Telling myself I shouldn't feel that way (especially about performance anxiety!). 

There's a solution to this way of being: all of it is welcome. Identifying each voice and feeling, hearing it fully, and showing it love and compassion allows the arguing and big feelings to settle and calm. 

This is the process of Internal Family Systems coaching and therapy. In my journey to heal performance anxiety, IFS has become my core process and a way of life that I apply everyday - in music making, to parenting, and in all my relationships.

There are three main ideas in IFS. First, we are made up of Parts and a Self. Parts are simply the voices in our head, or the various emotions and reactions. You know how you might have a voice that yells at you to practice more, and then another voice that resists and wants to watch TV all day? Those can be considered Parts of You, but not the whole You.

Self energy is the core of who you are. Some people might consider it the soul. Or the very essence of you. Self remains unchanged from the wounds and the burdens you carry. Self energy can witness the parts and bring healing to them.

Second – all Parts are trying to help. That voice that yells at you to practice? It perhaps is mean and nasty and says things you would never say to anyone else. Notice that it is actually trying to help. It knows your goals of being a better musician and wants to get you there. Other voices or desires come into play – practicing is hard, working on imperfections sucks and makes you feel like sh@#, so other parts want to avoid the hard work. Those parts are trying to help too! They don’t want you to feel bad about yourself! Inner conflict is the result.

While all Parts are trying to help, the kicker is that not all parts are helpful.

The third principle of IFS is All Parts Are Welcome. Because all Parts are trying to help, we want to honor and respect their efforts. And just like people, what Parts really need is to be seen and heard. Simply being with them in their feelings releases pressure over time.

Of all the tools I’ve explored, IFS has had the biggest and longest lasting effect on my performing, and coaching other musicians. I’m learning to be more in the moment as the voices are heard, addressed, and then they can relax and step back. I notice more frequently the emotions simmering in my body, and make space for them, rather than fight them. Nerves for performing still happen sometimes, but now I talk to them, understand why they are there, and am able to roll with it, rather than the nerves controlling me.

How you can apply:

The first step is always identifying the voices in your head. When you catch yourself in an internal battle, ask yourself, what individual voices are arguing right now? Who are they? See if you can separate the desires into different parts or persons or categories. Notice that these voices are not you, but only one part of you.

The act of identifying the voices goes a long way to releasing the intensity and pressure inside. My coach, Melissa Sandfort has a great exercise located here on her website.

This may feel silly and imaginary for a while. You may have resistance. That’s all very normal.

Any kind of transformational work takes time and patience. Of course, doing this work with a professional makes it so much more manageable, and sometimes downright fun. Can you tell that I highly recommend this process? Best wishes on your journey.