[video] chocolate + peanut butter + butter + emotions

After my last blog post, Another F*@&ing Growth Opportunity, a friend asked to see my ratios for chocolate, peanut butter, and butter. I made a video so you can see for yourself. 

You may be wondering, 'what the heck does this have to do with being a performer or a creative person?' 

Identifying two opposing sides, or parts, in my head led to listening to what each part wanted. Listening and seeing how each part actually wants to help is a major shift and can radically interrupt and stop the spinning arguments in one's head. It's quite amazing. 

So you might have arguments about if you're good enough for xy and z auditions, or what your colleague said to you, or what you should eat tonight. Teasing apart the voices that argue, understanding that they each have positive intentions, and then listening, leads to pretty interesting consequences. And more internal peace, compassion, clarity, and all sorts of other good things too. 

Check out this 4 minute video and see what you think. And I'd love to know if you try the chocolate concoction and how you like it!

Another F*#&ing Growth Opportunity

I grew up in Minnesota, where a favorite state saying is, “It could be worse.” While that is in fact true, things can always get worse, it doesn’t actually make my current feelings any better.

We’ve been dealing with one setback after another at our house, so I've been mulling alternate ways to ride the waves of difficult times. Here's what I've been working with:

1. Feel sorry for yourself. Permission to wallow. 
2. Don’t compare yourself to others who have it worse. Yes, truly bad and horrific things are happening everywhere. Does you suppressing your emotions help them in any way? NOPE. Dealing with your true emotions will ultimately give you more resources and then you can help those less fortunate than you.
3. Journal.
4. Get mad. (Although be careful about directing anger at others. Anger can be damaging to relationships.)
5. Swear a lot. 
6. Don’t make big decisions. Avoid decisions at all costs.
7. OR make the big decision that you’ve been avoiding. Are you stuck in the vortex of SH*T for a reason? Is there something you can do to make it better?
8. Ask for help. Anyone who offers, take them up on it.
9. Cry. Crying flushes away cortisol, the stress hormone.
10. Know who your friends are. Don’t look to help from people who will lecture you, or tell you about how others have it worse, or turn it into a convo about themselves, or whatever....
11. Eat chocolate. Or in my case, eat extra dark chocolate with peanut butter AND butter. Try it, it is awesome.
12. Drink wine. Or gin and tonics. 
13. Have a dance party. In your underwear. With your toddler. Or alone.
14. Escape. Coping will be easier if you can find times of comfort and release from the situation.
15. Watch something funny.
16. Laugh. Laughter is a great natural stress reliever. Let yourself laugh until you cry. 
17. Move your body in the way that feels good to you.
18. Get outside.
19. Stop feeling guilty about The Shoulds. What do you tell yourself you should do, should be, should think, should feel? Whose voice is that anyways?
20. Spend money on a good therapist. This will save you in the long run.
21. Throw sh*t away. Clearing out physical space sometimes helps with the mental space.
22. Do it imperfectly. I mean, things are always imperfect. But they might seem extra imperfect during a time of stress. But sometimes you gotta get stuff done, and done is better than perfect.
23. This too shall pass. That’s the one constant, right? Life always changes. Hang in there, it will get better.
24. Remember that good things can come out of difficult circumstances. I like the quote, "never let a crisis go to waste." A crisis creates an opportunity for positive change, for learning more about yourself, for making the hard decision, for strengthening relationships, for deep healing. Or to put it another way, "Another F#*@ing Growth Opportunity."

If this resonates, I’m sending you big virtual hugs. And if you're willing, leave a comment here about how you deal with a stormy time of life. 
Until next time,
Marta
PS - sometimes things go beyond hard and you may feel like you really are sinking into an abyss you cannot return from. Please seek help from a professional if you are contemplating hurting yourself.

When advice causes inner conflict

If you're anything like me, when confronted with conflicting advice I feel little flutters of panic and agitation. It heightens the sense of pressure around the choice, like there is no way to win. Someone is going to be upset. Or disappointed. Or I will be wrong one way or the other. 

Do you feel this way? I always wonder if it's just me that feels these things....

At any rate, you maybe have received this advice about conflicting advice - You must figure out what is best for you, because you're the one performing or creating. 

Ahhh, even more pressure! Why can't I just follow what the experts say? Now I have to figure out what I think is right for me! 

That is the most annoying thing. You are looking to experts, paying experts, to tell you the right way. Making it in the art and performing world is tough enough. You want answers, you want help, you want clarity and direction.

And then you get more confusion. Or even more turmoil and anxiety. 

You probably know that ultimately it is best to figure out what choices feel right to you, even if they break rules or go against the advice of trusted mentors. But why can this feel so hard?

If you related to the feelings of panic and agitation at the prospect of conflicting advice, let me suggest it is amplifying internal conflict. Right? Maybe you already knew this. Probably you did. However, it's taken me forever to learn this lesson.

Internal conflict can show up as a sense of uncertainty, of not knowing, and feeling not okay with that state. It can also show up as voices arguing in your head. This argument repeats and repeats, as if neither side hears the other. Or inability to commit to a decision, a choice. Feeling wishy-washy and confused.

I always come back to the question of WHY does external advice leave me feeling agitated or uncertain? Why don't I know my own answers? What can help me to know more of myself in this process?

Here's what I do when I feel agitated by external advice. 

1. Notice the feeling. 
   "Agitated. Upset. Panic that I'm going to be wrong." Whatever it is you feel, notice it. 
2. Where do you feel this in your body? 
   How do you know you're feeling that way? Is there a voice talking to you in your head? A sensation in your stomach? A general unease?
3. What does this voice/feeling/sensation want you to know?
   Hear it with as much space and understanding as possible. "Ahh, I feel the turmoil in my belly! Got it, it is really strong. Yep, I hear you are upset and worried that you'll do it wrong."
4. Can you identify more than one voice, part, or desire?
   What is the internal conflict about? What are the arguments, the internal disputes really about? I mean, the dispute over where to breath in your music isn't really about that. It might be worrying that the conductor will hate your choice, but you just need that breath. Or it might be feeling that breathing more somehow makes you feel not good enough. Whatever it is, can you get under the surface reason and find a deeper reason?
5. Somewhere in there, you do know the answer. 
   I mean, I'm not saying you are an expert at everything. I'm not saying if you just trusted yourself more you could do surgery. I'm saying, when facing artistic and musical choices, you do have an opinion that you can rely upon. Sometimes in fact, you do need more training and knowledge. But you can at the same time, hone your internal instincts and self-trust, while working on gaining the needed knowledge and tools.
6. Be patient.
   It can take time, but with following this process, you can find the trust and solid knowledge of what is right for you. This is so helpful in being a courageous artist. Think of the artists you love the most. Many of them break rules, push boundaries, make bold choices. What leads them to do so? Inner trust and belief in their artistic choices.

Where does internal conflict show up for you? What are the layers underneath that conflict? As always, I'd love to hear from you. Or leave a note on the blog. 

Cheers to making bold choices and trusting your Inner Artist!

Playing safe is risky business

The impossible goal of being PERFECT keeps showing up in my life. I remember years ago a colleague of mine saying to me something about being a perfectionist and I thought, 'really? I'm so very far from perfect, how can he see me as a perfectionist?' That stayed with me because it made me realize that my goal of appearing perfect was coming across as something different - hard on myself, unforgiving, driven, upset by mistakes. My secret desire to appear perfect was backfiring!

This topic is a thread that reappears in my life as it slowly unwinds. It is on my mind again while I am participating in a 30 day video challenge. 

It's challenging for me to go with the first take, as is recommended, and to know I could spend ten more minutes to get better lighting, to put on a little makeup, to brush my hair, to think through my words, to follow directions as much as possible.

But life is such that those extra ten minutes mean I might not get the video done today - my toddler might wake from his nap. Those ten minutes mean I might not get to respond to emails today. So I sacrifice my best effort in service of a bigger goal - staying with the project in all my flaws and imperfection.

This all relates to politics too. My Perfectionist part wants me to do everything possible every day to help my causes. The stakes feel high. But juggling being perfect in Activism, as well as motherhood, as well as work....well, it's impossible. 

This thread of believing that perfection, or appearing perfect, is actually attainable, has negatively affected my playing and performing. It is a current of fear that has restrained me and boxed me in, musically and creatively. If perfection is the goal, avoiding mistakes are higher priority than making art, than connecting with my collaborators, than being in flow. 

Perfectionism has a good/bad duality, right/wrong. Of course, wrong notes are wrong. But are wrong notes worse than being boring and uninspired? Closed off and locked down?

The fear of truly being seen, in our honesty and authenticity, is scary and vulnerable. Perfectionism is fake protection. No one can be perfect. Very few performances would live up to a standard of perfect. What is perfect anyways? Perfect technique? Perfectly happy audience? Perfect notes? 

Being a classical musician, striving for high standards, is a double edged sword. It can push us to be our best, to continue seeking better and better technique for the service of more ease and excitement in performance. It can be the motivating force to choose tough teachers and coaches and summer programs and conductors.

But, like for me, it can be a box that ends up cutting you off from your humanity and the kernel of inspiration and electricity. The question of whether high standards are helping, or hurting, or both, and in which ways, might prove useful to you.

Even if you know that your striving for perfectionism hurts you, it's a hard path to unwind. It's one thing to know it's hampering you, it's another to stop that pattern. Here's one way you might start:

• Think of a time when you felt like high standards hemmed you in some way. What did it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body?
• Is there a voice that goes along with this? A repeated mantra, a refrain of not-good-enough? 
• Get to know this part of you. What does it want? What is it's intention? Can you find a positive intention in its driving force? Can you
• Let this perfection part know you hear and see the intention that drives it and drives you.
• Be patient. The work of transformation is slow. Be kind to yourself and this part that so desperately wants perfection. 

In an effort to live out my efforts for more humanity and less perfection, I'm writing this newsletter in one morning and sending it out the same day. Does all that extra fluffing around with adjectives and commas actually make my writing better? I have no idea. But I'm giving it a try to wing it, to go with my instinct, to go for connection rather than perfection. Maybe it will annoy you to see more mistakes in my writing. Maybe you won't notice. Maybe this isn't any different than how I perceive it on the inside. It's all an experiment anyways, right? 

Thanks for reading, and cheers to you being your true and imperfect self!
Marta

A year older and it's time for change.

On the wall of my music room is the Holstee Manifesto. It starts like this:

This is Your Life.
Do what you love and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.

I've been fortunate to do something I love for the last dozen years - making music for my living. But over the last several years there has been a slow internal shift. And this fall I made it official:

I’m changing careers.

I'm letting go of gigging and performing, and focusing solely on Inner Artist Coaching (with a little vocal coaching mixed in).
 

What is Inner Artist Coaching? 

You know how being an artist, a performer, a creative type person can be hard? There are many external obstacles in the world – irregular work and finances; auditions + rejections + more auditions + more rejections; freelancing and trying to find time for passion projects. I mean, the list could go on and on, right?

And then there are the inner battles we all experience in one way or another – self doubt; performance anxiety; fear of success; fear of failure; procrastination – writers block, composers block, painters block. Basically getting in our own way!

As I’ve written about, I tried many tools to overcome my performance anxieties. The one that has worked the best, has transformed my life, and that I’m now in a year long training for, is Internal Family Systems therapy/coaching.

The long and short of this approach is believing that the discomfort, pain, fear that we experience is there for a reason. It is in getting to know these emotions more deeply that they can transform into more helpful emotions or qualities, or just step out of the way when the job needs to get done.
 

How does Inner Artist coaching apply to being a performer or artist? 

A core belief of Internal Family Systems is that we already have many of the internal resources we need. Deep inside, we know how to perform, how to create, how to write, how to have resilience, how to handle criticism. Confidence, calm, and capability is hardwired into our system, just as fear as a survival technique is hardwired into us. 

Fear is no small obstacle. It is present to keep us safe and alive. The strength of this fear can derail us from many of our life's goals and passions. 

It is in getting to know the deep concerns of fear and discomfort that we actually uncover the confidence and calm and capabilities that we already have. 

I’m doing it right now. Every time I sit down to write, I have conflicting feelings. I have the desire to get words and emotions onto my screen, out into the world, to be seen and read and heard and valued. At the same time, I get a tightness in my chest, a turn in my belly, distracted and racing mind – fear.

I sit with the duality of desires – one to do the work and the other to run away. And in fact, when I stop and listen to the tightness in my chest and the turn in my belly, I become more deeply connected to who I am, and write from the center of me, rather than the wordiness of my head. And the tightness transforms into something else, something useful, something connected, something energized.

So that’s what we do in Inner Artist coaching. Get to know the parts of you who come up around your art. Get to know their concerns. Welcome them. Treat them with kindness and build relationships with them. We apply this process to your art making. Make some music and see what parts come up. Write something and see about the concerns. Create something and see where energy and creativity go astray.

It is through this process that transformation happens. Art becomes easier. Performing becomes more fun. Practicing, writing, editing, composing becomes more enjoyable. Flow happens.

Overwhelmed by the world? Do art.

Henry David Thoreau was a weirdo. He spent several years living in the woods, away from civilized people, doing his own thing, writing books, talking about nature and ponds, and oh yeah, peace and stuff.

Gandhi read Thoreau's writings and was greatly influenced by them. His ideas of peaceful resistance became the bedrock of Gandhi’s protests in India.

Martin Luther King, Jr. was inspired by Gandhi. The civil rights movement owes it’s lineage to both Gandhi and therefore back to the weirdo living in the woods, doing his thing, Henry David Thoreau.I’m guessing that you might be feeling overwhelmed by the problems in our country and the impending Time of Trump.

Looking at the news, the social media, our families, the division, the proposed cabinet members, the erupting hate, the feeling of powerlessness.

Wow. That is enough to make me want to find a cave near the woods and come out again after four years, hoping, wishing that I can go back to my life as I want it to be. Maybe you can relate?

Instead, I urge you to take action.

But where to start???

As much as the problem is overwhelming, sometimes the solution is overwhelming too. There are so many good groups with good intentions and good ideas. And protests. And money needed. And volunteers for soup kitchens. And political calls. And refugees arriving.

Not to mention the arts! Do the arts even have a place in this world right now? Maybe we should give up our endeavors and go camp out with protesters in Standing Rock. Or just eat more leftovers from Thanksgiving and stop thinking about all of this.

No, please don’t give up your passion.

In fact, I believe that living your passion is even more important now than ever.

Here’s the catch, living your passion with integrity and intention are key in these times.

This gets back to Henry David Thoreau. If he wasn’t true to himself, then he wouldn’t have lived like a hermit and written works that influenced both Gandhi and MLK.

What to do:

1. Now is the time to dig even deeper into who you truly are and the passions that drive you.

A few journaling prompts or questions to mull about your passion:
What do you think about all the time? What draws you into your imagination? What encourages day dreaming? What do you do on your non-working hours that connects back to passion? What makes you resonate with excitement? Where do you feel most alive? What brings that 'scary-excited' feeling?

Living fully into your passion and art is called for in these times. Not as a way to escape the grim realities, but as a way to be real in our realities. And to inspire people, to shine light in the dark places, to comfort.

This is where reflection is called for. Are you delving into you passion as a way to escape? Is that bad? Perhaps escape is what some people need in a night out at the opera or theater or dance.

Some relief from the problems at hand is not necessarily bad. Staying deep in pain is challenging, and giving ourselves a break can refresh and renew our spirits and efforts.

And while you are acting truer to yourself, are there callings to become more involved in politics, or in helping the needy? Where can you make a difference? I so easily get overwhelmed by all the choices and the finite resources of time and money. This is a growing edge for me too!

1. What is one small step you can commit to today, this week, this month, to take action on your passions and/or helping the world? You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to sign every petition, join every group, do all the things. Pick ONE thing and do it. Some action is better than no action.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed by the positive choices available and not commit to anything. The stakes are higher than ever for all of us to get involved and be active. 

For myself, I’m committing to get more involved with two politicians that I really believe in. I’m reading two books to educate myself further – Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates and Strangers in Their Own Land by Arlie Russell Hochschild. Each book delves into a world I don’t know. One is growing up black in Baltimore, the other is arch-conservative Louisiana. I'm committed to making political phone calls every week. I'm writing blog posts on topics that feel scary and vulnerable to me, like this one. 

And I'm shifting all of my work to using Internal Family Systems in Inner Artist coaching. This methodology brings so much inner healing, I have hope that this will make an impact for everyone who experiences it.
 
Do these actions solve the problems? No. Do they contribute a drop in the bucket towards healing and progress? I hope so. 
 
I remind myself that this is not a sprint, this is a long marathon. Many generations moving towards justice and healing. As MLK said, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

I'd love to know what actions you are inspired to take. Writing them down, telling another person, saying them out loud, makes them more real and you're more likely to follow through on your commitments. 
 
Keep on with the good work, friends.

With love,
Marta

Two more articles you may enjoy:
Hate, grief and a new story.
This is long, but worth the read. I've read it and reread it several times because I find it comforting and a good lens with which to view the world and the election. Basic premise - we are in a time of major change. The election is just a small part of this major change. Major change creates a vacuum and either it can be filled with more hate and division or it can be filled with empathy and compassion. So how about trying on the lens of compassion and empathy for a while? Many of us have strong feelings toward the opposite side, especially when we've been hurt or fear for our lives. But returning hate for hate does not make hate go away. 

And this from Toni Morrison on why artists must be active at times like these.