Taking care of yourself when it feels like the world is going to hell

Friends, I am reeling after the election last week. I'm in some deep grief. Not just about the result of the election, but also that half of our country is suffering in ways that have been so untended to and so unheard that they are willing to vote for a person who is hurtful, racist, sexist, and encourages violence and division. Yes, some people feel renewed permission to unleash stored up anger and meanness and we are hearing reports of just such events, causing fear of what is to come. But I choose to believe that people are good, and are designed to seek connection and common humanity, while knowing that humans are also capable of inflicting horrors upon one another. I pray that our deepest fears are not realized.

On Election night, as the results were coming in and I was feeling stunned, I saw this post by my friend Christine on Facebook:

"The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with ________. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling."

How about you? Are you feeling any of these feelings? 

And maybe you're feeling pleased and happy with the results of the election. And yet you are seeing the protests erupting around the country and feeling disconnected or angry at the people protesting. You may have feelings stored up for years about past presidents, the legislature, the gridlock in Washington or your home state, the hopelessness and helplessness at seeing your job disappear, or wages decline, or ....

I'm adding my two cents to all that is torrenting in the blogosphere: holding space for how you are feeling in this moment. While these steps may seem small, in my view, they are essential in developing the capacity for long term action and healing. Because we all know the problems we are facing are massive and overwhelming. 
 

What to do when life is feeling overwhelming, scary, confusing, upended?

When things are tough and I feel muddled and confused, my fallback question is:

How am I feeling in this moment?

Not how should I feel, but how am I truly feeling? 

Where am I feeling this feeling?

So often my body gives me a trail of clues. Tense shoulders clue me in that my heart is feeling locked down and protective, and covering up my belly which is full of turmoil and anxiety. 

This brings me into this moment, into my body. Part of fear is about past events and about future worries. Being in the moment can bring some relief and calm our nervous system. So many of us are living in a heightened state of fear, which triggers the nervous system into Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Our body system is priming for survival on a daily or hourly basis, living in this adrenalized state far more than it ever was designed.

This is a long game, not a sprint away from disaster. Taking a minute to breathe into these feelings helps calm the nervous system, backing away from the ledge of panic. 

The next step, as painful as it is, is to acknowledge, "OK. That's how I'm feeling right now." No need to change, to process, to talk about, to journal, to distract, to run away. Just sit with it this moment, for as long as you can tolerate it. Sometimes, sitting with it long enough, it will change on its own. It might grow bigger, it might overwhelm, it might move around your body. Or checking back in on the feeling over the course of the day you might also see changes.

If you are feeling pain and fear from this election, these circumstances are not going to go away anytime soon. I have many fears for the world, for our country, for our economy, for our environment, for minorities, for immigrants, for women. At this moment for me, I fear getting stuck in fear and anger and depression and hopelessness for the foreseeable future. Tending to my grief and overwhelm are essential for my health and sanity. I would say that tending to our ongoing societal grief and fear, on all sides, from all parties, from all corners, from all income levels, from all education backgrounds, is essential as well, otherwise the same problems will continue without resolve.

Friend, I am sending you love and compassion, for whatever emotional state you are in, wherever you are in this process. 
With love,
Marta

PS, here are some articles that may resonate with you right now.
I wrote this post this past summer about dealing with the grief in the world. I feel the advice is still appropriate.
http://innerartistry.space/blog/is-your-soul-feeling-world-weary

I love, love, love this writing from Tad Hargrave. It is about death of old ways, rebirth of new possibilities, and staying in grief and heartbreak in order to birth the new. 
https://www.facebook.com/notes/tad-hargrave/let-it-burn-on-trump-this-appalling-moment/10154247540379032
"I don’t think what’s being asked of us is to get over our hurt and heartbreak of this moment. I think we are being asked to be heartbroken already, to feel the preciousness of what may be slipping from view and weave that feeling into everything we do and wear the heartbreak beautifully for everyone to see. I think we are being asked to create beauty from even our regrets of all that we didn’t see and all of the years we might deem now as wasted. I think we are being asked to do the hard work of lovinga world that keeps breaking our heart."

About building empathy, even for those who voted different than you: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_we_need_empathy_in_the_age_of_trump

Looking for the good in the election cycle:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_you_can_find_the_good_in_a_nasty_election_cycle?

How nap insomnia is like performance anxiety

Have you ever struggled with insomnia? It’s terrible. I had a recent bout of nap insomnia – which may not sound that bad. But sleep has been rough with our one year old and so I've been desperate to catch up on sleep whenever I have a spare moment.

I would carve out a time in my schedule – sacred nap time for both me and Loki. I’d lay down, so tired, ready to sleep.

And then my brain would spin.

And spin.

And I’d feel a fight happening in my body.

One part absolutely dying for this nap, counting the passing minutes, knowing that I was squandering my available sleep window.

Another part of me hating this plan. This part wanted me up and working. Writing blog posts. Practicing music. Updating my website. Washing dishes. Prepping dinner. Doing yoga.

I mean, the list of possible actions instead of napping are endless.

My napper just couldn’t compete with the part of me that wanted to get sh*t done.

It was an inner war and it never ended well for either side.

This kind of inner battle is similar to what many people experience in performance anxiety.

There is one part of you that really wants to perform. You love the music! You love the show! You love the people! You love the limelight! You love success!

Then there is the other part of you…
…that is afraid of failure. Afraid of making a mistake. Afraid of being discovered as a fraud. Not trusting your memory. Not trusting your technique. Afraid of [fill in the blank....].

It’s a challenging place to be, because you are experiencing strong conflicting desires.

This is normal and human. We all experience conflicting desires in one way or another. Performance anxiety just happens to be a very dramatic conflict.

Alas, there are no quick tricks to solving inner battles, or to solving performance anxiety. Wouldn't it be nice if this one blog post could resolve these anxieties for you, once and for all? That we could all wave our magic wands and make the uncomfortable feelings disappear? I so wish this!

But what can help is to recognize that the performance anxiety is only a Part of you, not all of you. Studies show that creating a little space around our feelings, not fully identifying with them, helps us gain perspective and to heal those big emotions. Calling these emotions or desires "Parts" often helps with the separation."Part of me can't wait to be onstage! Another Part of me is so worried about remembering my lines. Yet another Part of me is so tired and just wants to take a nap."

Identifying what or who those parts are is another way to create a little space and separation. "My Tired Part wants to avoid all the stress, I'm pulled in too many directions and can't focus. My Fearful Part remembers the time that I did forget my lines, it was terrible. My Artist Part loves the synergy and rush of adrenaline and being in flow."

Doing a little journaling and getting curious about these conflicting desires will go even farther. More on that step in the next blog post.

Until then, the next time you sense a big inner battle, take a breath, and see if you can isolate the different voices or desires that are in conflict and know that you are taking a step towards healing some of the internal conflict that is part of being human.

Audition season (and it feels like open season on your heart)

It's audition season for opera singers.

I recently listened to an episode on The Opera Box Score about audition horror stories. Stories of people having full out conversations while singing your heart out. Auditors eating lunch very loudly. No eye contact. Criticism for not bringing in a certain aria. Shame about clothing choices. Picking on words, diction, music editions.

Not to mention the weirdness that can exist in the hallway while waiting to audition. The nerves. The tense vibe. Hearing five sopranos before you, all singing the exact same piece. Your own personal battle with anxiety and preparedness.

And this isn't unique to auditions for singers. Acting, dance, orchestra, there are so many painful stories.

It makes my heart hurt just thinking of all the nastiness that can accompany the process of auditioning.

And the suggestion that is often put forth is to learn to deal with it. To grow thicker skin. As if it’s your own fault for being too sensitive.

A few years ago, I attended a weekend long workshop on dealing with performance anxiety. One of our first activities was to go around the room and each of us share something that made us nervous. In a room of about 25 people, more than half said that fear of judgement made them nervous.

I felt so validated in hearing that I was not alone.

And then the teacher remarked upon this trend, and his response was something along the lines of, “Judgement happens, so figure out how to get over it. Choose better thoughts.”

What? It's true that judgement happens and we have to learn how to deal with it, but his advice was less than helpful.

As musicians and performers, so many of us are attracted to our art because we are sensitive souls. We are moved by music, by theatre, by dance. It touches us in a way that has compelled us to invest our time, our energy, our resources. I mean, passion is the reason we are willing to put up with poor pay, strange hours, and hurtful treatment.

“Grow thicker skin.” Have you been told this before? This is blaming the victim. This is saying it's your fault for feeling things deeply. 

I so strongly disagree with that statement and that advice. In order to remain vulnerable in our art, we do not need to learn how to push down meanness, shove away grief and hurt feelings, to take responsibility for rude and insensitive people.

Instead, I offer that we can grow the capacity to tolerate hurtful situations, while loving and appreciating our vulnerability and 'thin skin'.

What I suggest, when you feel insulted, hurt, shamed by the audition process, I encourage you to take a breath and just let that hurt be present. And then offer yourself compassion, as you might to a young child.

Our normal and culturally strong reaction is to protect against those very tender and vulnerable feelings and immediately start an internal argument. Yelling at yourself to grow the proverbial thicker skin. Being upset that you made a mistake, or wore the wrong clothes, or arrived late. Blaming the audition panel because they are jerks. Pointing fingers at the pianist. Shutting down and numbing out with your preferred substance – internet, TV, food, alcohol, drugs.  

Mounting research shows that self compassion is far more effective, both for healing our wounds and for having high standards and a strong work ethic. Here's some simple suggestions for getting started with self compassion:

• Notice and identify your self talk. When it turns ugly, when you feel anxious, when you blame yourself, find a moment to pause. This in itself is powerful, and it can be challenging to even notice when the self talk runs down the well worn tracks of shame and blame.

• Take a breath and practice interrupting this onslaught of self criticism.

• There are three components to self compassion:

  • Self Kindness - talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend.

  • Common Humanity - recognize that you are not alone, and that what you are feeling is part of being human.

  • Mindfulness - Recognize what you are feeling without "over-identifying" with it. In the abstract, I find this super difficult. What does that even mean to over-identify. One way is to use Parts language: Part of me is feeling very wounded by the audition judges. Part of me is very angry. Etc. This creates a little distance between us and our emotions and allows us to give these emotions the needed space to be heard.

Compassion and good wishes for all of you auditioning in the near future. Leave a comment about your audition experience so we can all share some compassion together!

Ripple effects

A recent event triggered some shame in me. It was annoying. Bad feeling. Disrupting. Painful. Old. And I was dismayed to find that I went to patterns I thought I had retired - of feeling disembodied, which then caused me to have a terrible time practicing at the piano.

We all have shame. It is a condition of being human.

Brene Brown defines shame as believing I am bad, as opposed to guilt, which is I did something bad.

Even though this particular event had nothing to do with music, when I sat at the piano, I felt hurried, distracted, anxious, frustrated that nothing felt or sounded good. I turned tighter and tighter as I tried harder and harder to force things back on track.

The next morning my husband took my one year old for a walk and I had some time to myself. I poured out all my frustration about the shame trigger into my journal. Lots of swear words, lots of scribbling, lots of chaos.

And then I sat back down at the piano. Ahhh, better. Space to breathe, space to move, space to make mistakes. Not perfect, not totally resolved, but better.

Then I repeated the process the next day. And the next day. And probably will again in the near future.

My contention is this – doing the Inner Work helps us do our Artist Work better. Things in our life ripple into our artistry. Our artistry ripples out into our lives. Listening to the concerns of the various voices in our heads, giving air and space to the bad feelings, gives us more room to show up with our best self to our art.

I know this is contrary to much advice out there - think positive, choose better thoughts, just take action. As if we could simply control our thinking and then our life would be all better. Heck, I've even given similar advice on this blog in the past! 

But just like trying to ignore a crying child, ignoring the distasteful voices in our head doesn't make them disappear. Just like a needy child, what those voices need is some love and attention. After love and attention, then they can settle back down. Allowing better parts of you to step forward and take action where action is needed. 

Give it a try. Here are some journaling prompts (or you can talk to yourself, or to your recorder on your phone, or to a person, or just mull these questions):

Today I feel really frustrated about……
Lately, I’ve been feeling like this in my body……
My inner voices have arguments about…..
What I'm concerned about at this moment is.....
One small, simple, actionable step I can take to address these concerns is.....

See how you feel after getting in touch with the reality of your emotions. When you listen to what's really going on in your head and body, how do you feel? Does it make work, or creative efforts, or practicing, easier? Or perhaps harder? 

With love and appreciation for reading, 
Marta

Closet Cleaning

I recently had tea with a friend and we were talking about how good it feels to get rid of clothes that don’t fit. You know those ones you’ve been holding on to, in hopes that you’ll lose that extra weight, or that you’ll shift the mama belly somewhere else. Or clothes that you can fit in but are uncomfortable. You spend all day pulling them up or down or sideways, thinking “at least I look good,” but in reality you are just creating discomfort and tension in your body.

Letting go of those clothes can be so freeing. Sticking only with clothes that spark joy can be even better. 

My friend said, “What is the music analogy here?”

Brilliant!

The analogy is all the music you are supposed to learn because someone told you it would suit you. Or trying to squeeze yourself, manipulate, and push/pull yourself into a fache. Or taking orchestra auditions because that is the path you see others taking. Same thing for young artist programs. Or learning everything you can about the auditioners, trying to shape and push and pull yourself into fitting their ideals.

It might be the voice of a wise teacher or coach, who steers you in the right direction so many times, but you know what? They’re human too, and give imperfect advice. Or they are trying to live vicariously through you. Or want your success to be in a certain way so that it boosts their feelings of worth and value.

So, what are the wrong size clothes of the performing and creative world that you are trying to make fit, but simply feel wrong for you? What are you trying to squeeze your way into? What kind of mental closet cleaning can you do to let go of some of these expectations that hamper you from being you?

Easier said than done, right? 

First step - identify what doesn't fit. When making decisions about work choices notice what sits well and easily in your body, or gets you excited, even if it is excited-scared. Notice what creates feelings of heaviness and dread. What are you doing out of obligation?

The next step of letting go of other's expectations? Well, that is life work, in my opinion. Not something one decides to do and it is done. Give yourself some compassion on this front.

It's one thing to know some of these things in your head. But it's another thing to internalize and feel it deep in your bones. Shifting to deep inner knowledge takes time and sometimes it might even cause some grief, or anger, or anxiety. "Why did we spend all those years following the advice of others? Why didn't I listen to what ignites my excitement? Why did I waste my time doing x, y, and z? Is it too late? I don't want to start over!" 

So once you recognize some expectations you want to let go of, the next step is giving yourself permission to express the secondary emotions that follow. 

Let me know how your mental closet cleaning is coming along. I'd love to hear from you and your experiences of letting go of other's expectations!

Time to rest

Summer is a fun and funny time. I, and many people I know, expect to do all the things. Learn all the fun music that they didn’t have time to learn during the rest of the year, reorganize the house, do a summer program, go to the beach, have fun, travel, and oh yeah, rest.

Many of us who live and work in the artistic world have seasons of feast or famine. Certainly being involved in a production is a feasting mode that does not allow much time for reflection or self care. The joy of being in a show can also mean working a day job, rushing to rehearsal at night, going home to crash, and getting up early to rinse and repeat. It is simply impossible to carve out time for cooking, exercise, much less meditation or white space to unwind. 

A few weeks ago I taught a workshop and in past years I would have gone into a mild depression or funk afterwards. All the time spent in marketing and preparing, ramping up in intensity, and then suddenly it’s over. The openness of the calendar can feel strange. Or all the not-fun-details of life were put on hold and now loom large - bills, appointments, oil changes. Or maybe the calendar isn’t empty, and now I’m facing a full calendar and feeling depleted.

That funk after a big event is totally normal. Instead of fighting it, or saying I shouldn’t feel this way, what about embracing this time as an essential rebalancing of energy? Giving yourself the gift of sitting in this space will bring you back to center sooner.

The funk might be about big emotions that you didn't have time to deal with during your busy time. Or sadness that the project is over. Or worry about what's coming next, or if there is something coming next. It can be about transition time and the difficulty that transitions present. Or it might be plain old fatigue that is insisting upon being heard. 

What do you need for true rest and refilling of your artistic well?

I’ve found a new interest in drawing and watercolor painting. Let’s be clear, I don’t know what I'm doing, but I’m finding satisfaction in playing with lines and color. Maybe even feeling like not knowing what I’m doing gives me permission to do whatever I want. There is no right and wrong, no good and bad. Just curiosity and exploration. I’m even using babysitter time for this on occasion when I feel stuck or unfocused in work.

It can be hard to fit rest into our busy lives, but that's the problem, isn't it? Finding rest doesn't have to mean scheduling an entire free day, or going to the spa. Here are other restorative activities that I like: yoga, sitting under big trees in the park with my one-year-old, cooking, sipping a delicious glass of wine, journaling, acupuncture (I have a fabulous acupuncturist that I would be so happy to recommend to you), reading a book, listening to live music outdoors.

What about you? In these few remaining weeks of summer, where the to-do list might be towering because time is a-fleeting, what can you do to bring balance and resilience to the drive and determination? What feels restful? What gives you permission to follow your desire without guilt? Leave a comment and let's gather some great ways to rest and renew!