Feeling the vibe of school season

It's back to school season.

My mom mentioned the other day that right around this time of year she starts to have regular dreams about going back to school. Anxiety dreams that she doesn’t know her schedule. Or she missed some classes. Or she’s in the wrong classes.

Even after being done with school for 45 years, her subconscious still recognizes this time of transition as a pattern in her life and has some things to say.

Are you sensing that back-to-school shift? Perhaps thinking about getting serious again after a fun summer. Or planning some classes or coachings or finding a new teacher. Or applying for auditions – that of course, is its own serious season.

Or maybe you are returning to school. And wow, doesn’t that stir up a lot of feelings? Anticipating all the hard work, lack of freedom, less sleep, nose-to-the-grindstone focus, push to grow in a semester sprint. And whether you are starting at a new school, or returning to your old one, butterflies, anxiety, or dread might be infiltrating you as you prepare to transition. Oof.

Maybe you're in the season of life where you are sending your kids off to school. That change has an impact too - more freedom at home during the day, but all the busyness with extracurriculars. And dealing with the emotions of your kids as they work through the transition.

I’m contemplating some classes too. I’ve been wanting to take a drawing class for a while. My workaholic parts couldn’t make room for it before baby. Then new mama life was a big hang up. Now I’m ready, but faced with indecision.

I’m trying to make decisions from my gut these days, with bonus information from my head. Rather than the other way around, of listening only to my head and not trusting my gut.

It’s messy and slow and sometimes it’s a way to avoid committing to any decision.

The choices I’m contemplating involve an in-person class versus an online class. The in-person class has the added value of being with other people. Potential connections and bonding. On the other hand, I’m an introvert and love my solitude.

Of course, being on location means I have better follow through. Go-at-your-own pace with an online class sometimes means there is no pace.

And teacher feedback - in-person class will give feedback. Maybe great for learning, but what if I don't like the feedback style? Or if I don't connect with the teacher personality. I'm picky about teacher/mentor/healer personalities these days! The online class gives no feedback. Less direct learning, but less risk of annoyance. 

Hey, this was so helpful to write down my list of decision criteria that have been rumbling in my brain for a while now. Why didn't I think to do this before, even with something as simple as this choice? Writing down all the factors clarified that the info from my head that supports my gut decision.

It’s something you can do too when you make decisions. The old fashioned pro/con list. The difference here is that with each item I wrote down, I also was listening and feeling into my gut. Maybe you already do this. This is newer to me, and I like the results, even though sometimes the process feels much more messy.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m going/I’ve enrolled in Sketchbook Skool with their on demand class How To Draw Without Talent and I plan to take the Beginners course next.

With gratitude for reading,
Marta

PS - if this article spoke to you, you might also appreciate this one that is all about Transitions.

Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles, Oh My!

How Parts language can help you and your emotions

Practicing - challenge...sacred calling...eternal frustration...flow

I love the synchronicity of emotional themes that circle in my life, or crop up for me and my sister at the same time, or that show up for multiple clients in a season. (Let's be honest - sometimes I hate the emotional themes in my life, because it means I'm growing and stretching and that's usually painful.)

The theme of practicing has emerged this summer. In a recent class, one participant mentioned the word PRACTICE, and the energy shift in the room was palpable. People leaned forward, wanting to share their strategies, their stories, their victories, their battles with self-sabotage, their ways of coping.
Because, as artists, learning to practice our craft is essential, fraught with trial, and abounding with internal and external judgment.

The practice room, our writing desk, the painting studio – wherever you do your creative work can feel like a battleground. 

Let’s take a look at some of the common Parts of a person that might get triggered around practicing:

The Shoulds
“I should be practicing” (said while eating, while watching TV, while taking a nap…)
“I should do it better”
“I should already be better” – this was my most common refrain. Always should be better, always behind.
”I should have practiced yesterday, and the day before, etc.”
This Part clearly has a goal of doing things better, of seeing a vision that is possible, but not yet attained. Thank you for the vision! But often that vision isn’t enough of a motivation, and there is an edge of judgment or Not-Good-Enough involved, creating an unpleasant feeling and resistance.
That resistance might show up as:
Avoidance
See above – eating, watching TV, cleaning the house, answering every last email, taking a nap. This Part will do anything and everything to avoid the job at hand, the thing we care about, working on our craft. Because working at our art is hard, and vulnerable, and we risk public failure, or public success, or public scrutiny. Or being ignored, laughed at, feeling invisible, not being taken seriously. Let’s be real – eating frozen waffles while watching The Great British Baking Show is a lot more fun in the moment. Can you see how the Avoider Part has an intention of avoiding potentially hard feelings of vulnerability, failure, success, fatigue?

Analyzer/Problem Solver
This Part of us is so essential to moving forward, growing, improving. We need the part of us that analyzes and judges and fixes and creates solutions. Having a strong Problem Solver-Analyzer part can save us money, help us trust our own instincts, and just be damn smart and strong. But when that Part of us gets out of balance it leads to more judgment, blame, shame, and just general unpleasantness around the work we love.
This out of balance part is sometimes called:
Inner Critic
Often showing up as a mean, hateful, abusive Part of us, with all nastiness directed inward. The Inner Critic throws our ability to truly assess out of balance. Any little mistake becomes a red flag, red alert, danger zone, terrible, disaster. t the same time, the Inner Critic still has an intention of helping - helping us grow, do better, be better, try harder, etc.

Perfectionism
This is a different flavor of inner criticism, masquerading as a useful and attainable goal. But perfection is not attainable, and striving to reach perfection will always leave us disappointed and frustrated. I'm experiencing this kind of part right now, as I write this newsletter. "Let me review one more time. Let me see if it's sitting right with my gut. Let me adjust one little word here and there. What about the title? What about posting on facebook?".....which is all a great way to avoid actually hitting send. Avoiding making my efforts public. Avoiding judgment. 

On the positive side of practicing we get into Flow. We engage the Problem Solver in balance, with curiosity and spaciousness and enjoyment. We have Compassion for our self as we work through the normal Creative process. We have Persistence and Grit. We continue to strive for excellence, and maintain connection to our core values of being an artist.

Identifying and engaging the Parts that derail our process, such as the Critic, the Avoider, the Shoulds, is the first step to returning to balance and finding more of the fun and ease in the practice room and creative process. Because fun, creativity, and productivity are all very possible! Not fighting these Parts of us, but instead looking at them with space and compassion is the ironic, annoying, and sustainable way to creating room for our creative spirit.

Here's a video with more info about dealing with the Inner Critic.

Cheers to practicing your craft!
xoxo
Marta

Coming a-PART in a positive way

If you've worked with me in the last 6 months, you surely noticed my new love affair of talking about PARTS. 
"Part of me is delighted to be performing, but other parts are tired and overwhelmed."
"Part of me wants to eat all the chocolate chip cookies....and another part wants to take a nap....and another part thinks I should go for a run and eat carrots."
"Part of me is distracted today by all the other things I need to get done."

So what's the deal with the parts language? I remember when I first started seeing my therapist I said to her, "I'm open to trying IFS (Internal Family Systems), but do we have to talk about Parts all the time?" Even the instructor of my recent Level 1 IFS training would often say that when she was first introduced to the model, she would say, "yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds good, but do we really have to talk about parts?" 

It's pretty normal to have some concerns about this way of talking. Here are some reasons I think it's worth trying.

1. It's calming to our system to simply identify all of the activated Parts. To find the part who has anxiety, or who is mad, or skeptical - just that knowledge alone sometimes brings a shift and creates more openness and curiosity.

2. Parts language helps create healthy compartmentalization. You can even make a deal with your parts, to promise to spend time with activated parts at a convenient time, so you can focus, perform, create, write, etc when you need to. The key is that you must follow through or your parts will learn to distrust this deal.

3. It gives us one step of space between US as a person and the emotion, thought, or physical sensation. The Part is not all of me. I am more than this thought, feeling, sensation, or action. Even our more extreme feelings are parts - parts that contribute to self sabotage, writer's block, stage fright, etc. And beyond the creative world, extreme parts show up in eating disorders, sexually acting out, cutting, drinking, drugs, you name it. Even these challenging feelings and actions, they do not encompass the entirety of our being. 

4. Our parts always have a positive intention. It may not be immediately obvious, but it's there. Self sabotage is a way to protect from external rejection. Performance anxiety is a strong message that tender parts need more care. Eating disorders are a way to control life. Finding the positive intention gives space for self compassion, which builds on itself to extend compassion to all people. It makes dealing with humans that much easier. 

4. We all have Parts. No one is immune. It's a great human equalizer. Some of us have parts that are more extreme, but Parts are always acting from a positive intention, even if the action is deplorable. It's easier to bring more compassion to our self, and to others, when we know we or they are acting from parts. 

5. We can witness and truly unburden parts that are carrying old wounds and traumas. This is life changing, people. Rather than shoving, pushing, pulling, twisting, contorting so that those old wounds don't come out in weird ways, or they do come out and affect those around you, IFS offers a way to truly heal. This is done by...
6. ....treating parts like people. You are a person, and your parts are part of you. Not that you have to think or believe you have a multitude of people living in and around your body. But using our natural interpersonal skills, we listen to the parts and the stories they carry. 

7. So much nuance and clarity comes with Parts language, because the inner complexity of our being is more fully seen, understood, verbalized, witnessed.

8. Parts can be seen as members of the orchestra, and SELF is the conductor.SELF is that core essence of who you are, that energy of you that is naturally full of Confidence, Courage, Compassion, Curiosity, Creativity, Calm, Connection, Clarity, and Choice. It is relieving and calming to know that no Part is in charge. SELF becomes the natural leader of all the parts and our system. 

I'm truly curious, how does the Parts language strike you? I'd really love to know. Now that I am thoroughly at ease with this language shift, it would be super helpful to get a fresh perspective again from people who are just being acquainted with this way of working. Leave a comment on the blog, or drop me a note. 

[video] Lacking Confidence? Turn your Inner Critic from Foe into Friend

Oh, my Critic is fierce about the title of this post - Lacking Confidence? Turn Your Critic from Foe into a Friend. It sounds kinda gimmicky, no? But at the same time, I really and truly believe it, as I have lived it and see it happening for others. And so I hear my Critic and acknowledge it's concerns, and then make a choice based upon many factors - time, pragmatism, done is better than perfect, and yes, the Critic's concerns. 

And to appease my Critic, I want you to know that this is not a gimmick. But it also is not necessarily quick and easy. Identifying that voice within you that criticizes, understanding why it does so, and developing true compassion for this part of you - it all takes effort. Like building a relationship with a friend. We don't get friends by simply willing it to happen. It takes repeated contact, repeated efforts, honest communication, etc. Same thing with the Critic within us. 

For those of you who don't like watching videos, here is an outline of the four steps to making friends with this voice of criticism.
1. Think of this voice as a PART of you, not all of you. A container that holds these concerns. How do you notice this Part showing up for you?

2. When you connect with this voice as a Part, can you approach it with curiosity? It's easy to get caught up in arguments with yourself, or drowned by the feelings of not-good-enough. But if you can find a little space to look at it with curiosity, what do you notice? How does it show up? When is it triggered?

3. Notice it's positive intention. That voice of criticism can be important for self regulation and a motivator for growth. How do you see the positive intent of your Critic?

4. If you can see your Critic has a positive intention, can you turn towards it with compassion? Compassion is the gift that pays dividends. Oodles of research shows how self compassion leads to greater growth, resiliency, increased drive and dedication to your goals. Finding compassion for this one voice can help you befriend the Critic, AND over time, the Critic can modify how it does it's job. I personally have experienced a big shift - from constant anxiety over mistakes, and now I can relate to that voice as a source of guidance, assessment, and wisdom. 

Drop me a note and let me know how it's going. Or come to one of my free classes and put this theory into action with guidance and support. 

With love and compassion for you and your Critic,
Marta