When your dream job goes bad, or even worse, becomes a nightmare

How did you envision a life in the arts? Perhaps a dream of how great it would be to be paid to make art. Your days spent practicing and refining your craft. Connecting with other like-minded artists, collaborating and elevating your artistry on a regular basis. Getting into flow, and moving, touching, provoking your audience in some way. Maybe even making a difference in the world with your art.

You work hard, you spend years training and refining. Finally the stars align and you get the job. Excitement! Celebrations! The dream is happening!

You get the job and you show up to work, excited, optimistic. Then you start to hear the gossiping, the complaining, the imperfections around you, the threats of job cuts or lowered pay, or unreasonable requests on your time. You meet bitter colleagues, unpleasant directors, belt-tightening administrators, or even abusive people in power positions. 

Or you work for people who do not hold the same values as you and are perhaps racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ableist, ageist. 

Last year, there was an exposé of sexual and physical abuse at Profiles Theater in Chicago, raising awareness that serious abuse in the arts can and does happen. 

Not everyone experiences this. I was talking to a friend the other day who said she has received marvelous treatment from some of the best theatres in Chicago, and she is happy and excited every time she goes to work.

But for those who do experience this, it can feel like betrayal. Because you’ve worked so very hard for this wonderful dream. You’ve poured your heart, soul, and resources into achieving the dream. 

Your feelings can range from disillusionment, to internal conflict, sadness, grief, to downright fear for your bodily safety and your career. 

Here are a few suggestions of ways to cope. Of course, your chosen actions will vary depending upon the circumstances you are facing. This is an imperfect list! I’d love to hear from you and how you deal with imperfect jobs and imperfect people. 

• There is no easy solution if you are dealing with difficult circumstances. On the one hand, you are probably so happy to have a job in the arts. On the other, people around you might be making your life miserable. Acknowledging the challenge of your circumstances and the pain that you feel can be affirming and bring some relief.
   
• Commit to self care. What are the things that keep you sane, keep you healthy, give you the best chance to be your best self? 
   
• Let your administration know your concerns. Or the union rep. Or a trusted colleague. If you feel like you might be experiencing abuse, check out Not In Our House, an organization that fights abuse in Chicago theater. I particularly love their Statement of Principles and their emphasis on mediation to resolve conflicts. If you are not in Chicago, certainly they can point you in a direction of help for your location.
   
• Find truly meaningful outlets. Find arts endeavors that fill your soul, even if it doesn't pay. Connect with people who love you and value you. Participate in a social movement. Do your part to make the world a better place.
   
• Quit. You don't have to pay the bills via art in order to be an artist. That is so much pressure! I've experienced this first hand, and countless other artists have talked about this topic. It can be so very freeing to make art based upon all the other reasons aside from financial. This is a huge step, and not one to take lightly, and it is definitely not the answer for everyone. But if your organization does not mesh with your values, it is worth considering.
   
• Take care of your parts that get activated. The present is a revolving door to unhealed parts from our past. Our parts carry emotional baggage, and if they are triggered by your work, deal with them and help them relieve their burden. Your activated parts might be interacting with the environment in ways that make things worse for yourself. If you can bring healing to these parts, you will bring your best self to a challenging environment.
   
• Remember that your colleagues have parts that are activated in this situation too. Chances are, if you're feeling stressed, others are as well. Chances are, if you are not your best self in this organization, others are showing up with extreme parts leading the way too. This can be parts that like to gossip, complain, criticize, compare, be nasty, be critical, be judgmental. Or parts that get timid in the face of bigotry and abuse, that wilt under pressure, that shy away from conflict. And performance anxiety might be rampant but not talked about. Recognizing that your colleagues are acting from Parts, not their whole best self, can perhaps allow you to extend a little grace in their direction. Extending a little grace might, just might take the edge off a moment of tension, or allow new connections and the beginnings of humanizing to happen. 
   
• On the other hand, don't be a martyr! Find ways to remove yourself from the ugliness rather getting drawn into it. If you are dealing with abuse, do not try to extend an olive branch. Take care of yourself and your safety as your top priority. 
   
• It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing kind of situation. I'm into pro and con lists these days. It's another angle on parts work. For example: One part of me loves working for ArtsOrgNumeroUno! I get to make art to the highest standards! I'm with other excellent artists! It's the best! On the other hand, it's also true that I absolutely hate working here. People are mean and backstabbing. There's too much complaining. There's sexism and homophobia. It's all white and non-inclusive. It doesn't match my values. Pro - they pay me money to do this! Wow! Con - I have to work weird hours. I have to stay up late. Pro - if I didn't work here, I'd miss all these great opportunities for art making. Con -  every time I'm here I'm mad as hell and agitated and it makes my stomach hurt. 
  
  With this pro/con list making, you don't actually have to make a decision. Giving voice to the strong conflicting feelings can bring internal relief and clarity. And boundaries. And better choices about how you act when you are there. And sometimes you might end up making a different choices, with confidence and self assurance.

I started this blog post thinking about people I know who've been disillusioned by the arts world and the organizations that are less than perfect. But it turns out this topic is big. Experiences can range from challenging colleagues, to low pay and time not being respected, to outright abuse. All experiences are difficult and valid in their own way. If you are in one of these circumstances and weighing the above suggestions, please check in with your heart and see which feel right to you. Not all apply to every situation or to every person.

Wishing you satisfaction and meaning in your artistic work.
Warmly,
Marta

[video] chocolate + peanut butter + butter + emotions

After my last blog post, Another F*@&ing Growth Opportunity, a friend asked to see my ratios for chocolate, peanut butter, and butter. I made a video so you can see for yourself. 

You may be wondering, 'what the heck does this have to do with being a performer or a creative person?' 

Identifying two opposing sides, or parts, in my head led to listening to what each part wanted. Listening and seeing how each part actually wants to help is a major shift and can radically interrupt and stop the spinning arguments in one's head. It's quite amazing. 

So you might have arguments about if you're good enough for xy and z auditions, or what your colleague said to you, or what you should eat tonight. Teasing apart the voices that argue, understanding that they each have positive intentions, and then listening, leads to pretty interesting consequences. And more internal peace, compassion, clarity, and all sorts of other good things too. 

Check out this 4 minute video and see what you think. And I'd love to know if you try the chocolate concoction and how you like it!

Another F*#&ing Growth Opportunity

I grew up in Minnesota, where a favorite state saying is, “It could be worse.” While that is in fact true, things can always get worse, it doesn’t actually make my current feelings any better.

We’ve been dealing with one setback after another at our house, so I've been mulling alternate ways to ride the waves of difficult times. Here's what I've been working with:

1. Feel sorry for yourself. Permission to wallow. 
2. Don’t compare yourself to others who have it worse. Yes, truly bad and horrific things are happening everywhere. Does you suppressing your emotions help them in any way? NOPE. Dealing with your true emotions will ultimately give you more resources and then you can help those less fortunate than you.
3. Journal.
4. Get mad. (Although be careful about directing anger at others. Anger can be damaging to relationships.)
5. Swear a lot. 
6. Don’t make big decisions. Avoid decisions at all costs.
7. OR make the big decision that you’ve been avoiding. Are you stuck in the vortex of SH*T for a reason? Is there something you can do to make it better?
8. Ask for help. Anyone who offers, take them up on it.
9. Cry. Crying flushes away cortisol, the stress hormone.
10. Know who your friends are. Don’t look to help from people who will lecture you, or tell you about how others have it worse, or turn it into a convo about themselves, or whatever....
11. Eat chocolate. Or in my case, eat extra dark chocolate with peanut butter AND butter. Try it, it is awesome.
12. Drink wine. Or gin and tonics. 
13. Have a dance party. In your underwear. With your toddler. Or alone.
14. Escape. Coping will be easier if you can find times of comfort and release from the situation.
15. Watch something funny.
16. Laugh. Laughter is a great natural stress reliever. Let yourself laugh until you cry. 
17. Move your body in the way that feels good to you.
18. Get outside.
19. Stop feeling guilty about The Shoulds. What do you tell yourself you should do, should be, should think, should feel? Whose voice is that anyways?
20. Spend money on a good therapist. This will save you in the long run.
21. Throw sh*t away. Clearing out physical space sometimes helps with the mental space.
22. Do it imperfectly. I mean, things are always imperfect. But they might seem extra imperfect during a time of stress. But sometimes you gotta get stuff done, and done is better than perfect.
23. This too shall pass. That’s the one constant, right? Life always changes. Hang in there, it will get better.
24. Remember that good things can come out of difficult circumstances. I like the quote, "never let a crisis go to waste." A crisis creates an opportunity for positive change, for learning more about yourself, for making the hard decision, for strengthening relationships, for deep healing. Or to put it another way, "Another F#*@ing Growth Opportunity."

If this resonates, I’m sending you big virtual hugs. And if you're willing, leave a comment here about how you deal with a stormy time of life. 
Until next time,
Marta
PS - sometimes things go beyond hard and you may feel like you really are sinking into an abyss you cannot return from. Please seek help from a professional if you are contemplating hurting yourself.

When advice causes inner conflict

If you're anything like me, when confronted with conflicting advice I feel little flutters of panic and agitation. It heightens the sense of pressure around the choice, like there is no way to win. Someone is going to be upset. Or disappointed. Or I will be wrong one way or the other. 

Do you feel this way? I always wonder if it's just me that feels these things....

At any rate, you maybe have received this advice about conflicting advice - You must figure out what is best for you, because you're the one performing or creating. 

Ahhh, even more pressure! Why can't I just follow what the experts say? Now I have to figure out what I think is right for me! 

That is the most annoying thing. You are looking to experts, paying experts, to tell you the right way. Making it in the art and performing world is tough enough. You want answers, you want help, you want clarity and direction.

And then you get more confusion. Or even more turmoil and anxiety. 

You probably know that ultimately it is best to figure out what choices feel right to you, even if they break rules or go against the advice of trusted mentors. But why can this feel so hard?

If you related to the feelings of panic and agitation at the prospect of conflicting advice, let me suggest it is amplifying internal conflict. Right? Maybe you already knew this. Probably you did. However, it's taken me forever to learn this lesson.

Internal conflict can show up as a sense of uncertainty, of not knowing, and feeling not okay with that state. It can also show up as voices arguing in your head. This argument repeats and repeats, as if neither side hears the other. Or inability to commit to a decision, a choice. Feeling wishy-washy and confused.

I always come back to the question of WHY does external advice leave me feeling agitated or uncertain? Why don't I know my own answers? What can help me to know more of myself in this process?

Here's what I do when I feel agitated by external advice. 

1. Notice the feeling. 
   "Agitated. Upset. Panic that I'm going to be wrong." Whatever it is you feel, notice it. 
2. Where do you feel this in your body? 
   How do you know you're feeling that way? Is there a voice talking to you in your head? A sensation in your stomach? A general unease?
3. What does this voice/feeling/sensation want you to know?
   Hear it with as much space and understanding as possible. "Ahh, I feel the turmoil in my belly! Got it, it is really strong. Yep, I hear you are upset and worried that you'll do it wrong."
4. Can you identify more than one voice, part, or desire?
   What is the internal conflict about? What are the arguments, the internal disputes really about? I mean, the dispute over where to breath in your music isn't really about that. It might be worrying that the conductor will hate your choice, but you just need that breath. Or it might be feeling that breathing more somehow makes you feel not good enough. Whatever it is, can you get under the surface reason and find a deeper reason?
5. Somewhere in there, you do know the answer. 
   I mean, I'm not saying you are an expert at everything. I'm not saying if you just trusted yourself more you could do surgery. I'm saying, when facing artistic and musical choices, you do have an opinion that you can rely upon. Sometimes in fact, you do need more training and knowledge. But you can at the same time, hone your internal instincts and self-trust, while working on gaining the needed knowledge and tools.
6. Be patient.
   It can take time, but with following this process, you can find the trust and solid knowledge of what is right for you. This is so helpful in being a courageous artist. Think of the artists you love the most. Many of them break rules, push boundaries, make bold choices. What leads them to do so? Inner trust and belief in their artistic choices.

Where does internal conflict show up for you? What are the layers underneath that conflict? As always, I'd love to hear from you. Or leave a note on the blog. 

Cheers to making bold choices and trusting your Inner Artist!

Playing safe is risky business

The impossible goal of being PERFECT keeps showing up in my life. I remember years ago a colleague of mine saying to me something about being a perfectionist and I thought, 'really? I'm so very far from perfect, how can he see me as a perfectionist?' That stayed with me because it made me realize that my goal of appearing perfect was coming across as something different - hard on myself, unforgiving, driven, upset by mistakes. My secret desire to appear perfect was backfiring!

This topic is a thread that reappears in my life as it slowly unwinds. It is on my mind again while I am participating in a 30 day video challenge. 

It's challenging for me to go with the first take, as is recommended, and to know I could spend ten more minutes to get better lighting, to put on a little makeup, to brush my hair, to think through my words, to follow directions as much as possible.

But life is such that those extra ten minutes mean I might not get the video done today - my toddler might wake from his nap. Those ten minutes mean I might not get to respond to emails today. So I sacrifice my best effort in service of a bigger goal - staying with the project in all my flaws and imperfection.

This all relates to politics too. My Perfectionist part wants me to do everything possible every day to help my causes. The stakes feel high. But juggling being perfect in Activism, as well as motherhood, as well as work....well, it's impossible. 

This thread of believing that perfection, or appearing perfect, is actually attainable, has negatively affected my playing and performing. It is a current of fear that has restrained me and boxed me in, musically and creatively. If perfection is the goal, avoiding mistakes are higher priority than making art, than connecting with my collaborators, than being in flow. 

Perfectionism has a good/bad duality, right/wrong. Of course, wrong notes are wrong. But are wrong notes worse than being boring and uninspired? Closed off and locked down?

The fear of truly being seen, in our honesty and authenticity, is scary and vulnerable. Perfectionism is fake protection. No one can be perfect. Very few performances would live up to a standard of perfect. What is perfect anyways? Perfect technique? Perfectly happy audience? Perfect notes? 

Being a classical musician, striving for high standards, is a double edged sword. It can push us to be our best, to continue seeking better and better technique for the service of more ease and excitement in performance. It can be the motivating force to choose tough teachers and coaches and summer programs and conductors.

But, like for me, it can be a box that ends up cutting you off from your humanity and the kernel of inspiration and electricity. The question of whether high standards are helping, or hurting, or both, and in which ways, might prove useful to you.

Even if you know that your striving for perfectionism hurts you, it's a hard path to unwind. It's one thing to know it's hampering you, it's another to stop that pattern. Here's one way you might start:

• Think of a time when you felt like high standards hemmed you in some way. What did it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body?
• Is there a voice that goes along with this? A repeated mantra, a refrain of not-good-enough? 
• Get to know this part of you. What does it want? What is it's intention? Can you find a positive intention in its driving force? Can you
• Let this perfection part know you hear and see the intention that drives it and drives you.
• Be patient. The work of transformation is slow. Be kind to yourself and this part that so desperately wants perfection. 

In an effort to live out my efforts for more humanity and less perfection, I'm writing this newsletter in one morning and sending it out the same day. Does all that extra fluffing around with adjectives and commas actually make my writing better? I have no idea. But I'm giving it a try to wing it, to go with my instinct, to go for connection rather than perfection. Maybe it will annoy you to see more mistakes in my writing. Maybe you won't notice. Maybe this isn't any different than how I perceive it on the inside. It's all an experiment anyways, right? 

Thanks for reading, and cheers to you being your true and imperfect self!
Marta

A year older and it's time for change.

On the wall of my music room is the Holstee Manifesto. It starts like this:

This is Your Life.
Do what you love and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.

I've been fortunate to do something I love for the last dozen years - making music for my living. But over the last several years there has been a slow internal shift. And this fall I made it official:

I’m changing careers.

I'm letting go of gigging and performing, and focusing solely on Inner Artist Coaching (with a little vocal coaching mixed in).
 

What is Inner Artist Coaching? 

You know how being an artist, a performer, a creative type person can be hard? There are many external obstacles in the world – irregular work and finances; auditions + rejections + more auditions + more rejections; freelancing and trying to find time for passion projects. I mean, the list could go on and on, right?

And then there are the inner battles we all experience in one way or another – self doubt; performance anxiety; fear of success; fear of failure; procrastination – writers block, composers block, painters block. Basically getting in our own way!

As I’ve written about, I tried many tools to overcome my performance anxieties. The one that has worked the best, has transformed my life, and that I’m now in a year long training for, is Internal Family Systems therapy/coaching.

The long and short of this approach is believing that the discomfort, pain, fear that we experience is there for a reason. It is in getting to know these emotions more deeply that they can transform into more helpful emotions or qualities, or just step out of the way when the job needs to get done.
 

How does Inner Artist coaching apply to being a performer or artist? 

A core belief of Internal Family Systems is that we already have many of the internal resources we need. Deep inside, we know how to perform, how to create, how to write, how to have resilience, how to handle criticism. Confidence, calm, and capability is hardwired into our system, just as fear as a survival technique is hardwired into us. 

Fear is no small obstacle. It is present to keep us safe and alive. The strength of this fear can derail us from many of our life's goals and passions. 

It is in getting to know the deep concerns of fear and discomfort that we actually uncover the confidence and calm and capabilities that we already have. 

I’m doing it right now. Every time I sit down to write, I have conflicting feelings. I have the desire to get words and emotions onto my screen, out into the world, to be seen and read and heard and valued. At the same time, I get a tightness in my chest, a turn in my belly, distracted and racing mind – fear.

I sit with the duality of desires – one to do the work and the other to run away. And in fact, when I stop and listen to the tightness in my chest and the turn in my belly, I become more deeply connected to who I am, and write from the center of me, rather than the wordiness of my head. And the tightness transforms into something else, something useful, something connected, something energized.

So that’s what we do in Inner Artist coaching. Get to know the parts of you who come up around your art. Get to know their concerns. Welcome them. Treat them with kindness and build relationships with them. We apply this process to your art making. Make some music and see what parts come up. Write something and see about the concerns. Create something and see where energy and creativity go astray.

It is through this process that transformation happens. Art becomes easier. Performing becomes more fun. Practicing, writing, editing, composing becomes more enjoyable. Flow happens.