Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles, Oh My!

How Parts language can help you and your emotions

Practicing - challenge...sacred calling...eternal frustration...flow

I love the synchronicity of emotional themes that circle in my life, or crop up for me and my sister at the same time, or that show up for multiple clients in a season. (Let's be honest - sometimes I hate the emotional themes in my life, because it means I'm growing and stretching and that's usually painful.)

The theme of practicing has emerged this summer. In a recent class, one participant mentioned the word PRACTICE, and the energy shift in the room was palpable. People leaned forward, wanting to share their strategies, their stories, their victories, their battles with self-sabotage, their ways of coping.
Because, as artists, learning to practice our craft is essential, fraught with trial, and abounding with internal and external judgment.

The practice room, our writing desk, the painting studio – wherever you do your creative work can feel like a battleground. 

Let’s take a look at some of the common Parts of a person that might get triggered around practicing:

The Shoulds
“I should be practicing” (said while eating, while watching TV, while taking a nap…)
“I should do it better”
“I should already be better” – this was my most common refrain. Always should be better, always behind.
”I should have practiced yesterday, and the day before, etc.”
This Part clearly has a goal of doing things better, of seeing a vision that is possible, but not yet attained. Thank you for the vision! But often that vision isn’t enough of a motivation, and there is an edge of judgment or Not-Good-Enough involved, creating an unpleasant feeling and resistance.
That resistance might show up as:
Avoidance
See above – eating, watching TV, cleaning the house, answering every last email, taking a nap. This Part will do anything and everything to avoid the job at hand, the thing we care about, working on our craft. Because working at our art is hard, and vulnerable, and we risk public failure, or public success, or public scrutiny. Or being ignored, laughed at, feeling invisible, not being taken seriously. Let’s be real – eating frozen waffles while watching The Great British Baking Show is a lot more fun in the moment. Can you see how the Avoider Part has an intention of avoiding potentially hard feelings of vulnerability, failure, success, fatigue?

Analyzer/Problem Solver
This Part of us is so essential to moving forward, growing, improving. We need the part of us that analyzes and judges and fixes and creates solutions. Having a strong Problem Solver-Analyzer part can save us money, help us trust our own instincts, and just be damn smart and strong. But when that Part of us gets out of balance it leads to more judgment, blame, shame, and just general unpleasantness around the work we love.
This out of balance part is sometimes called:
Inner Critic
Often showing up as a mean, hateful, abusive Part of us, with all nastiness directed inward. The Inner Critic throws our ability to truly assess out of balance. Any little mistake becomes a red flag, red alert, danger zone, terrible, disaster. t the same time, the Inner Critic still has an intention of helping - helping us grow, do better, be better, try harder, etc.

Perfectionism
This is a different flavor of inner criticism, masquerading as a useful and attainable goal. But perfection is not attainable, and striving to reach perfection will always leave us disappointed and frustrated. I'm experiencing this kind of part right now, as I write this newsletter. "Let me review one more time. Let me see if it's sitting right with my gut. Let me adjust one little word here and there. What about the title? What about posting on facebook?".....which is all a great way to avoid actually hitting send. Avoiding making my efforts public. Avoiding judgment. 

On the positive side of practicing we get into Flow. We engage the Problem Solver in balance, with curiosity and spaciousness and enjoyment. We have Compassion for our self as we work through the normal Creative process. We have Persistence and Grit. We continue to strive for excellence, and maintain connection to our core values of being an artist.

Identifying and engaging the Parts that derail our process, such as the Critic, the Avoider, the Shoulds, is the first step to returning to balance and finding more of the fun and ease in the practice room and creative process. Because fun, creativity, and productivity are all very possible! Not fighting these Parts of us, but instead looking at them with space and compassion is the ironic, annoying, and sustainable way to creating room for our creative spirit.

Here's a video with more info about dealing with the Inner Critic.

Cheers to practicing your craft!
xoxo
Marta

Coming a-PART in a positive way

If you've worked with me in the last 6 months, you surely noticed my new love affair of talking about PARTS. 
"Part of me is delighted to be performing, but other parts are tired and overwhelmed."
"Part of me wants to eat all the chocolate chip cookies....and another part wants to take a nap....and another part thinks I should go for a run and eat carrots."
"Part of me is distracted today by all the other things I need to get done."

So what's the deal with the parts language? I remember when I first started seeing my therapist I said to her, "I'm open to trying IFS (Internal Family Systems), but do we have to talk about Parts all the time?" Even the instructor of my recent Level 1 IFS training would often say that when she was first introduced to the model, she would say, "yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds good, but do we really have to talk about parts?" 

It's pretty normal to have some concerns about this way of talking. Here are some reasons I think it's worth trying.

1. It's calming to our system to simply identify all of the activated Parts. To find the part who has anxiety, or who is mad, or skeptical - just that knowledge alone sometimes brings a shift and creates more openness and curiosity.

2. Parts language helps create healthy compartmentalization. You can even make a deal with your parts, to promise to spend time with activated parts at a convenient time, so you can focus, perform, create, write, etc when you need to. The key is that you must follow through or your parts will learn to distrust this deal.

3. It gives us one step of space between US as a person and the emotion, thought, or physical sensation. The Part is not all of me. I am more than this thought, feeling, sensation, or action. Even our more extreme feelings are parts - parts that contribute to self sabotage, writer's block, stage fright, etc. And beyond the creative world, extreme parts show up in eating disorders, sexually acting out, cutting, drinking, drugs, you name it. Even these challenging feelings and actions, they do not encompass the entirety of our being. 

4. Our parts always have a positive intention. It may not be immediately obvious, but it's there. Self sabotage is a way to protect from external rejection. Performance anxiety is a strong message that tender parts need more care. Eating disorders are a way to control life. Finding the positive intention gives space for self compassion, which builds on itself to extend compassion to all people. It makes dealing with humans that much easier. 

4. We all have Parts. No one is immune. It's a great human equalizer. Some of us have parts that are more extreme, but Parts are always acting from a positive intention, even if the action is deplorable. It's easier to bring more compassion to our self, and to others, when we know we or they are acting from parts. 

5. We can witness and truly unburden parts that are carrying old wounds and traumas. This is life changing, people. Rather than shoving, pushing, pulling, twisting, contorting so that those old wounds don't come out in weird ways, or they do come out and affect those around you, IFS offers a way to truly heal. This is done by...
6. ....treating parts like people. You are a person, and your parts are part of you. Not that you have to think or believe you have a multitude of people living in and around your body. But using our natural interpersonal skills, we listen to the parts and the stories they carry. 

7. So much nuance and clarity comes with Parts language, because the inner complexity of our being is more fully seen, understood, verbalized, witnessed.

8. Parts can be seen as members of the orchestra, and SELF is the conductor.SELF is that core essence of who you are, that energy of you that is naturally full of Confidence, Courage, Compassion, Curiosity, Creativity, Calm, Connection, Clarity, and Choice. It is relieving and calming to know that no Part is in charge. SELF becomes the natural leader of all the parts and our system. 

I'm truly curious, how does the Parts language strike you? I'd really love to know. Now that I am thoroughly at ease with this language shift, it would be super helpful to get a fresh perspective again from people who are just being acquainted with this way of working. Leave a comment on the blog, or drop me a note. 

[video] Lacking Confidence? Turn your Inner Critic from Foe into Friend

Oh, my Critic is fierce about the title of this post - Lacking Confidence? Turn Your Critic from Foe into a Friend. It sounds kinda gimmicky, no? But at the same time, I really and truly believe it, as I have lived it and see it happening for others. And so I hear my Critic and acknowledge it's concerns, and then make a choice based upon many factors - time, pragmatism, done is better than perfect, and yes, the Critic's concerns. 

And to appease my Critic, I want you to know that this is not a gimmick. But it also is not necessarily quick and easy. Identifying that voice within you that criticizes, understanding why it does so, and developing true compassion for this part of you - it all takes effort. Like building a relationship with a friend. We don't get friends by simply willing it to happen. It takes repeated contact, repeated efforts, honest communication, etc. Same thing with the Critic within us. 

For those of you who don't like watching videos, here is an outline of the four steps to making friends with this voice of criticism.
1. Think of this voice as a PART of you, not all of you. A container that holds these concerns. How do you notice this Part showing up for you?

2. When you connect with this voice as a Part, can you approach it with curiosity? It's easy to get caught up in arguments with yourself, or drowned by the feelings of not-good-enough. But if you can find a little space to look at it with curiosity, what do you notice? How does it show up? When is it triggered?

3. Notice it's positive intention. That voice of criticism can be important for self regulation and a motivator for growth. How do you see the positive intent of your Critic?

4. If you can see your Critic has a positive intention, can you turn towards it with compassion? Compassion is the gift that pays dividends. Oodles of research shows how self compassion leads to greater growth, resiliency, increased drive and dedication to your goals. Finding compassion for this one voice can help you befriend the Critic, AND over time, the Critic can modify how it does it's job. I personally have experienced a big shift - from constant anxiety over mistakes, and now I can relate to that voice as a source of guidance, assessment, and wisdom. 

Drop me a note and let me know how it's going. Or come to one of my free classes and put this theory into action with guidance and support. 

With love and compassion for you and your Critic,
Marta

When your dream job goes bad, or even worse, becomes a nightmare

How did you envision a life in the arts? Perhaps a dream of how great it would be to be paid to make art. Your days spent practicing and refining your craft. Connecting with other like-minded artists, collaborating and elevating your artistry on a regular basis. Getting into flow, and moving, touching, provoking your audience in some way. Maybe even making a difference in the world with your art.

You work hard, you spend years training and refining. Finally the stars align and you get the job. Excitement! Celebrations! The dream is happening!

You get the job and you show up to work, excited, optimistic. Then you start to hear the gossiping, the complaining, the imperfections around you, the threats of job cuts or lowered pay, or unreasonable requests on your time. You meet bitter colleagues, unpleasant directors, belt-tightening administrators, or even abusive people in power positions. 

Or you work for people who do not hold the same values as you and are perhaps racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ableist, ageist. 

Last year, there was an exposé of sexual and physical abuse at Profiles Theater in Chicago, raising awareness that serious abuse in the arts can and does happen. 

Not everyone experiences this. I was talking to a friend the other day who said she has received marvelous treatment from some of the best theatres in Chicago, and she is happy and excited every time she goes to work.

But for those who do experience this, it can feel like betrayal. Because you’ve worked so very hard for this wonderful dream. You’ve poured your heart, soul, and resources into achieving the dream. 

Your feelings can range from disillusionment, to internal conflict, sadness, grief, to downright fear for your bodily safety and your career. 

Here are a few suggestions of ways to cope. Of course, your chosen actions will vary depending upon the circumstances you are facing. This is an imperfect list! I’d love to hear from you and how you deal with imperfect jobs and imperfect people. 

• There is no easy solution if you are dealing with difficult circumstances. On the one hand, you are probably so happy to have a job in the arts. On the other, people around you might be making your life miserable. Acknowledging the challenge of your circumstances and the pain that you feel can be affirming and bring some relief.
   
• Commit to self care. What are the things that keep you sane, keep you healthy, give you the best chance to be your best self? 
   
• Let your administration know your concerns. Or the union rep. Or a trusted colleague. If you feel like you might be experiencing abuse, check out Not In Our House, an organization that fights abuse in Chicago theater. I particularly love their Statement of Principles and their emphasis on mediation to resolve conflicts. If you are not in Chicago, certainly they can point you in a direction of help for your location.
   
• Find truly meaningful outlets. Find arts endeavors that fill your soul, even if it doesn't pay. Connect with people who love you and value you. Participate in a social movement. Do your part to make the world a better place.
   
• Quit. You don't have to pay the bills via art in order to be an artist. That is so much pressure! I've experienced this first hand, and countless other artists have talked about this topic. It can be so very freeing to make art based upon all the other reasons aside from financial. This is a huge step, and not one to take lightly, and it is definitely not the answer for everyone. But if your organization does not mesh with your values, it is worth considering.
   
• Take care of your parts that get activated. The present is a revolving door to unhealed parts from our past. Our parts carry emotional baggage, and if they are triggered by your work, deal with them and help them relieve their burden. Your activated parts might be interacting with the environment in ways that make things worse for yourself. If you can bring healing to these parts, you will bring your best self to a challenging environment.
   
• Remember that your colleagues have parts that are activated in this situation too. Chances are, if you're feeling stressed, others are as well. Chances are, if you are not your best self in this organization, others are showing up with extreme parts leading the way too. This can be parts that like to gossip, complain, criticize, compare, be nasty, be critical, be judgmental. Or parts that get timid in the face of bigotry and abuse, that wilt under pressure, that shy away from conflict. And performance anxiety might be rampant but not talked about. Recognizing that your colleagues are acting from Parts, not their whole best self, can perhaps allow you to extend a little grace in their direction. Extending a little grace might, just might take the edge off a moment of tension, or allow new connections and the beginnings of humanizing to happen. 
   
• On the other hand, don't be a martyr! Find ways to remove yourself from the ugliness rather getting drawn into it. If you are dealing with abuse, do not try to extend an olive branch. Take care of yourself and your safety as your top priority. 
   
• It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing kind of situation. I'm into pro and con lists these days. It's another angle on parts work. For example: One part of me loves working for ArtsOrgNumeroUno! I get to make art to the highest standards! I'm with other excellent artists! It's the best! On the other hand, it's also true that I absolutely hate working here. People are mean and backstabbing. There's too much complaining. There's sexism and homophobia. It's all white and non-inclusive. It doesn't match my values. Pro - they pay me money to do this! Wow! Con - I have to work weird hours. I have to stay up late. Pro - if I didn't work here, I'd miss all these great opportunities for art making. Con -  every time I'm here I'm mad as hell and agitated and it makes my stomach hurt. 
  
  With this pro/con list making, you don't actually have to make a decision. Giving voice to the strong conflicting feelings can bring internal relief and clarity. And boundaries. And better choices about how you act when you are there. And sometimes you might end up making a different choices, with confidence and self assurance.

I started this blog post thinking about people I know who've been disillusioned by the arts world and the organizations that are less than perfect. But it turns out this topic is big. Experiences can range from challenging colleagues, to low pay and time not being respected, to outright abuse. All experiences are difficult and valid in their own way. If you are in one of these circumstances and weighing the above suggestions, please check in with your heart and see which feel right to you. Not all apply to every situation or to every person.

Wishing you satisfaction and meaning in your artistic work.
Warmly,
Marta