Are you doing your best?

I love Brené Brown. For a while I called her my best friend, the best friend she didn’t know she had. Brené is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living and her writings and teachings were instrumental in some serious internal change in my life. 

I just finished her new book Rising Strong and I highly recommend it. Here’s how she describes the progression of her work through her books:

The Gifts of Imperfection – Be You
Daring Greatly – Be all in.
Rising Strong – Fall. Get up. Try again.

 
What a perfect description of the life of a musician.
 
At any rate, one section of the book struck a chord (yes, pun intended), and that is Brené’s writing about judgment. Brené frames this as a question: Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best they can?

Her research found that those who said “No way” had higher levels of judgment of themselves and struggled with perfectionism. (She considers perfectionism to be “defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.”)
 
Wow, this hit home.
 
Several years ago I was in the midst of a battle in my body. I had serious shoulder tension for years that had escalated into pain. I knew it was emotionally based, but even though I had been in therapy on and off for a number of years, the pain and tension hadn’t gone away.
 
I enrolled in a program offered by my doctor for healing Tension Myostitis Syndrome, also called Mind Body Syndrome. This program has success in helping people who have real pain but the pain is from emotional sources rather than physical causes. I found it to be life-changing, and it’s where I was introduced to Brené Brown.
 
During this month long class, I played in the pit orchestra for a musical. I was making progress with releasing some little amounts of the shoulder pain, and I made a startling (to me) discovery: when I judged the singers and other musicians, my shoulders started hurting more; when I judged myself for every imperfection, I was more likely to judge the other performers. It all was very circular and related. I started practicing taking a step back from judging both myself and the other performers.
 
I started noticing the harshness with which I judged myself, and the direct connection to pain in my shoulders. The pain provided serious motivation to find a new way to interact with judgment, perfectionism, and striving.
 
Judgment is a double edged sword for musicians. On the one hand, we all need excellent critical analysis and problem solving skills to assess our practicing and performing. We don’t get very far without these skills, or it will cost an arm and a leg to continually pay a teacher or coach to tell us what to do.
 
On the other hand, what we call critical analysis is sometimes plain old mean and nasty thoughts about other performers, and about ourselves. It is analysis run amok. Haven’t we all been in musical situations where some performers constantly judge and criticize other performers?  Often behind their backs. (Aren't we sometimes that person?) And sizing up our abilities compared to others, seeking flaws in each other like heat-seeking missiles. As if finding a flaw in another performer will make us feel better about ourselves.
 
Instead, what if we start with the assumption that we are each doing the best we can? How does that shift the tone and perception of yourself and others? Shifting our focus from ‘perfect’ as the goal, and instead focusing on the big picture, on making music, on fulfilling our part to the very best of our abilities. And when we make mistakes, remind ourselves that we are indeed doing the very best we can.
 
Lest you worry that taking this approach will turn you into a lazy slob, let me assure you there is plenty of research these days showing that self-compassionate people are actually more motivated and have higher standards.
 
For me, participating in a musical project with this shifted paradigm leads to a much more enjoyable experience. The musical that I mentioned earlier had some real problems with it. Changing my focus to doing my job to my best ability, to make my part the best it could be, and the most enjoyable and musical, made every night a whole lot better than when I spent the evening criticizing everyone.
 
The title of this newsletter is "are you doing your best?". After reading through some of these thoughts, what is your answer? Did anything change for you in thinking about this question?
 

What I've learned from the Musician's Mastermind

I started the Musician’s Mastermind last fall as an answer to some of my personal struggles as a freelance musician. I desired accountability for my personal projects, I really wanted someone to brainstorm with on a regular basis, and I wished for the community that one gets in many workplaces. I also have been drawn to inner growth/self help for a long time, so what started out as an accountability group became an experiment in sharing some inner work tools. Now that I am embarking on my second year of leading the Masterminds, I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned, what is most useful, and what needs to fall by the wayside. Over three rounds of the Mastermind I have learned:

1. You are not alone. Whatever your struggles may be in the music world, chances are you know several other people, probably many others who are struggling with the same things. We know this in our heads, but it is so affirming to be in a group of supportive musicians and get the immediate feedback that, yep, we've all had the same self-doubt, indecision, financial struggles, etc. And celebrating successes is that much more sweet with a community of support!
2. Accountability helps. I heard over and over that simply having an email with a reminder of goals kept participants on track towards their goals and projects.
3. Get specific. When making permanent changes, take one small step at a time and get specific. It’s not enough to say I’m hoping to increase my practice time this week. Instead, look at your calendar and plan out when it is going to happen. Then tell someone about it and check in with them on your progress.
4. Doing the work can feel messy, tiring, exciting, right, scary. Any and all of the above. In fact, there is a kind of scary/excitement that can go along with doing work that is most meaningful to you. Scary because you care about it so much. And exciting because you care about it so much!
5. I have to take my own medicine. They say you teach what you need to know. Enough said.
6. There are very few ‘right’ answers. A corollary: there are very few ‘right’ paths in the music world. Many of us have received the message that some career paths are better than others (full time orchestra job, singing leading roles in A houses, teaching at a university), yet are these jobs that would make you happy?
7. What feels like paralysis and inaction might be useful. Maybe you are in a transition. During this time you might try on several different projects or jobs and see what fits. Or you may need space and time to mull options. Perhaps you are actually ‘marinating’ instead of being stuck.
8. On the other hand, don’t let perfection get in the way of taking the next step. Sometimes we think we need to have everything ready to go before we launch our next project. "Before opening a teaching studio, I must have a website. Before I can get a website I need new headshots. Before I can get new headshots I need to lose 20 pounds." What? You need to lose 20 pounds before starting to teach some lessons? Instead, what is the next simple step you can take towards your goal?
9. Sometimes risks involve failure. We all know this, but it’s scary to dive in when we know that failure is a real possibility. Brene Brown, a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living, says that “If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability. When we commit to showing up and risking falling, we are actually committing to falling. Daring is not saying ‘I’m willing to risk failure.’ Daring is saying ‘I know I will eventually fail and I’m still all in.’ Fortune may favor the bold, but so does failure."

The cool thing is that you can apply many of these lessons on your own, for free. Find an accountability partner, and get specific with your goals. Have regular check-ins with your partner and keep each other motivated. Or check out the Musician's Mastermindto see if it would be a good fit for you! Starts Monday, September 28th!

Be Your Own Teacher, Part 2

Last week, I wrote about Becoming Your Own Best Teacher by discerning amongst the various voices in our heads. Today in Part 2 we’ll use the tools of working with the Inner Critic and  Best Self for listening to recordings of ourselves, and becoming our own best teacher. 

I can’t tell you how common it is to be working with a singer and they set up a recording device to record our session. Then at some point in our relationship together they confess that they never or rarely listen to the recordings. Listening to ourselves is one of the best ways to be our own teacher – we can listen and diagnose and problem solve and correct all on our own. For free! We know we should use this tool, but what gets in the way? 

What kinds of thoughts and emotions do you have when you listen to your latest coaching or lesson? In fact, what kinds of thoughts and emotions do you have when you even contemplate listening to yourself? What words or sentences run through your head? Are you critical? Do you cringe? Do you hear the good music making you are doing in addition to the areas you want to improve?

Listening to ourselves causes discomfort – for many of us, all we can hear are the flaws and imperfections. This is the Inner Critic at work.

Being critical is not the problem, the problem is that the Inner Critic can shout so loud and take up all the space so we lose perspective and our ability to teach ourselves.

I’m not suggesting that using recordings of ourselves can completely do away with the need for a teacher. From an expert teacher you will get technical solutions that you can’t figure out on your own. From an expert coach you will get new ideas and inspiration and challenges. We all need this kind of external feedback. However, from your expert self, you can gain confidence, authenticity, inner strength, and the gratification of doing it yourself.

Follow the same steps from last week’s newsletter to disentangle from the Inner Critic and create some space to listen and teach yourself:

1. Identify which voice is speaking. While prepping to listen to yourself, or when you are listening to your recording, notice your inner dialogues and feelings. What language is used? Good/bad, right/wrong dichotomy is the Inner Critic. Anything mean or rude that you wouldn’t say to a friend signals the Inner Critic’s voice. A feeling of anxiety or shame indicates the Inner Critic.

(Regarding the good/bad dichotomy, yes, it is true that there will be times that we play/sing wrong notes. Those are ‘wrong’. When deciphering if the Inner Critic is triggered by this, pay attention to the internal feeling. If the Inner Critic is at work, you might feel bad about yourself, or anxious, or guilty, or mad. If your Best Self acknowledges the mistake, there is usually more compassion or distance from the mistake. You won’t take it personally or feel that it reflects on you as a person.)

1. Make friends with the Inner Critic. Why is it talking to you in this way? Remember, its goal is to keep you safe. Can you address any of its concerns? I often find that my Inner Critic really wants me to improve, but it is trying to help in a counter-productive way by using pressure and judgement. Having a conversation with it takes the pressure off and then I can address the problem more effectively, without the Inner Critic judging every mistake I make.
2. Connect with your Inner Teacher, Best Self, or other voice of wisdom. Putting on my ‘teacher hat’ helps me teach myself. It gives me space and distance from my own problems. Ask yourself, “if I were teaching someone else with this same problem, what would I suggest? How would I treat a student or colleague with this issue? How would I feel towards them if they were having difficulty?” Some feelings you might have when working from your Inner Teacher or Best Self: compassion, patience, curiosity, determination, focus.
3. Rinse and Repeat. Listening to ourselves and using this tool to teach ourselves is a skill, just like learning our notes and rhythms. 

And if you are interested in learning more about your Inner Critic and Best Selves, please check out the upcomingMusician's Mastermind, starting September 28th. 

Be Your Own Teacher: Part 1

Be Your Own Teacher: Part 1

Since the next round of the Musician's Mastermind is starting on September 28th, I want to be upfront that this newsletter is an example of the work that takes place in the Musician’s Mastermind. If these topics particularly appeal to you, then know that we will go even deeper into these issues in person in the Mastermind.

Onward to the topic at hand: Be Your Own Teacher

As musicians, we have been trained from a young age to rely on teachers and coaches for expert advice. But what if you could limit your need for outside experts and turn to your own inner guidance more often? In this 2 part newsletter, I’ll give you some ideas on becoming your own teacher. Today, in part 1, I’ll discuss the voices in our heads, how to discern who is doing the talking, and which voices should guide our actions. 

We all have many voices in our heads, competing for attention and often in conflict with one another. Don’t believe me? Do you ever find yourself arguing – with yourself? Debating decisions? Over-analyzing the situation? Trying to convince yourself that the audition wasn’t so bad, or wasn’t good enough, or all the other auditioners were much better than you, or….

For today's purposes, I'm lumping the voices into two broad categories – a voice of Criticism and Negativity, and a voice of positive Strength and Support.

The negative voice is the Inner Critic. It shows up in different ways for different people. It might call you nasty names or swear at you. Or it might give you a general sense of anxiety and unease. Or maybe it repeats a negative refrain over and over. Sometimes the Inner Critic sounds like our mother/father/mean undergrad teacher/crazy coach.

The Inner Critic is all about judgement. Right/wrong (a whole lotta wrong), good/bad (a whole lotta bad) dichotomous kinds of thinking. All or nothing with no gray areas, no appreciation for learning from mistakes, growth, improvement, in between, or having both positives and negatives.

The Inner Critic has a lot of ‘shoulds’. You should pursue this audition because it’s what all the good singers are doing. You should study with this teacher because your friend who won the competition studies with them. You should take this job even though your instincts tell you its not the right fit.

We all have some sort of voice like this, because its goal is to keep us safe from harm. Harm might be getting kicked out of the tribe (which, back in cave dweller days would have meant death). Or harm might be getting criticized in an audition. Or maybe there is a legit threat to your physical safety. Or getting rejected in the romance department. You get the idea. There are innumerable possibilities that cause us to feel nervous, insecure, threatened, and they all can trigger the Inner Critic.

With safety as the Inner Critic’s number one goal, it does not care one iota about your career or personal goals. That’s where arguing and conflict often come in. Other parts of our selves have dreams and goals, but the Inner Critic is a fierce and loud voice that can run rampant until dealt with properly.

How does one properly deal with the Inner Critic?

I’m so glad you asked, as I happen to have a great strategy!

Make friends with your Inner Critic. 

That’s right, actually making friends with the Critic is a key to stopping the shouting, the arguing, the name calling.

We all have a need to be heard and understood. We have valid points to share, we have input to offer, we have feelings that need airing. Since the Inner Critic has a very important job of keeping us safe, what it needs to settle down is to be heard and understood.

This does not mean you do what the Inner Critic wants – which would lead to a very safe, very boring, unfulfilled life. Instead, listen, address its concerns, and then move forward with the wise voice that we will talk about next.

Your Best Self lives quietly beneath the shouting of the Inner Critic. Your Best Self leads you down paths that feel right and authentic to you, even if they are challenging or scary or vulnerable. Sometimes, those feelings of vulnerability and scary/excitement are a sign that you are listening to the right voice.

Your Best Self is aligned with your dreams, not because they will bring you attention or acclaim or more money, but because they feed you in meaningful ways and help you lead a fulfilling life. Sometimes that will coincide with attention and acclaim and money, sometimes not.

Your Best Self is not about judgement, good/bad, right/wrong. It is about deep satisfaction and coming alive. It knows the things that make you feel your best, but it is not attached to your choices and there are no judgements on your choices. Sounds pretty zen, doesn’t it?

Your Best Self does not follow the ‘shoulds’ of your career, your family, or anyone. There are no ‘shoulds’ in the realm of your Best Self. Sometimes the Inner Critic masquerades as the Best Self when we start ‘shoulding’ about not acting as our Best Self. “My Best Self would be practicing right now. My Best Self wouldn’t have eaten that brownie. My Best Self should be a better person.”

Your Best Self knows that ‘failure’ is experience from which one can learn. Yes, there will be grieving, or licking of wounds, or feeling sad when you’ve fallen. But there is also opportunity for growth, for learning, for improvement.

Your Best Self often knows the answers to decisions, has the musical interpretations that are unique to you, and even might be able to solve some technical problems.

Apply these steps to any practice session, audition, performance, or decision about your career to deal with the Inner Critic and become your own best teacher.

Step 1: Identify which voice is speaking. Get specific with what the voice is saying. Maybe write down the statements or feelings. Or say the statements/feelings out loud. Are the statements in good/bad terminology? Is there judgement? Is there blame? Then you’re dealing with the Inner Critic.

2: Make friends with the Critic. Listen to what it has to say. Give it space to breathe, room to speak. Have a conversation. Take into account its concerns because sometimes it actually has useful advice (like get thee to the practice room pronto!).

3. Quiet down to hear your Best Self. Maybe through a long walk, or journaling, or meditating, or talking to a trusted friend. Be intentional to connect with your Best Self. Write down what comes up for you. (More next week on listening to your recordings from the ear of the Best Self.)

4. Look internally for a feeling of deep resonance and rightness. If this seems like a foreign concept, find something about which you know to be true for yourself. For example, what music do you absolutely love to play or listen to? What music are youdrawn to? How does that feel internally? Where do you know that you love this music? Can you find this feeling of truth and trust in other areas of your life? What if you leaned in and trusted those feelings?

5. Develop the relationship with your Best Self by making decisions that follow the advice of your Best Self. Begin by picking something that feels easy to you. For example, how might you shape this phrase better? Does your Best Self know how to technically deal with this one problem spot? Does your Best Self have input about which auditions to take this season? Again, pick something that feels easy (it doesn’t have to be music related), lean into it, and develop that feeling of trust and connection. Go back to that feeling again and again and see how it might branch out into other areas of your life.

Let me know how these steps work for you, and shoot me an email if you have any questions. 

Remember, if this information appeals to you, we will dive deeper in the Musician's Mastermind, starting September 28th. Dealing with the Inner Critic and cultivating your Best Self is a lifetime process. Get in-person support for your own journey through theMastermind!
 

Transition

I have been in transition for the last year. It started with pregnancy and the knowledge that my life was about to change radically. Even though the pregnancy and the baby were something both my husband and I really wanted, I had mixed feelings about it: through-the-roof excitement combined with fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety came from knowing that an ending was about to take place – the end of Marta as a non-parent, as a solo entity that can take on all the work I want and can handle. I feared losing my work identity and becoming swallowed up by motherhood.

Fast forward to this summer, baby Loki Lettofsky was born on June 15th. My life indeed changed radically overnight. I was pleased to discover that amidst all the changes, I had a desire to reconnect with work (like prepping for the next session of the Musician's Mastermind!). Instead of my desire for work completely ending, there was room for it, and room for mothering, and the task now is to figure out the new balance and this new me.

I’ve been reading the classic self-help book Transitions by William Bridges and in it Bridges describes how each transition is made up of these three parts: 1. Ending; 2. Neutral zone; 3. Beginning. Transition is different from change, in that it is an internal shifting, whereas change is external. External change can be the springboard for transition, or internal transitions can lead to external change. 

The Ending and Beginning are rather self-explanatory, but the Neutral Zone benefits from a little elaboration. The Neutral Zone is that murky area after the Ending, or overlapping with the Ending, where space and time is needed to discover the new Beginning. And it might overlap with the Beginning too. The Neutral Zone can be quite uncomfortable, but rushing the Beginning might shortchange the inner work that is needed in a transition. Giving space and room to the Neutral Zone will allow the Beginning to emerge on its own.

As I’ve muddled through the Neutral Zone and wondered how my new beginning would emerge, I’ve found a couple of questions to be very helpful and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I ask myself this several times a day:

“What do I need right now? What is one small step I can take to get there?”
 

What I always want is to feel better, to feel more balanced, to feel more grounded, to feel less crazy. Since those are long term goals and harder to achieve in a moment, I am seeking a concrete step to get me on the way to feeling better, more grounded, etc. The answers to “what do I need right now” range from connecting with a friend, crying to my husband, eating chocolate, taking a shower, taking a nap, etc.

The second question I ask myself is:

“What am I willing to notice right now?”
 

There is a lot of down time built into new motherhood – all the nursing! So at least once a day, sometimes more, I use that time to ask myself what I am willing to notice. Not change, not fix, not make it go away, but simply notice. I usually notice tension in my face and neck and shoulders. The cool thing is that simply observing, noticing and allowing it to be there often has the consequence of the tension softening and releasing. The more I can observe and get deep with the observation, the better. I try to find the root of the feeling and sometimes describe it in as much detail as possible. An example of one of my internal dialogues:

“The tension is in my tongue, I’m sucking it to the roof of my mouth. The tension radiates into my jaw and face. My tongue feels inflexible and like a rock. It feels stuck to my mouth. Where does this come from? Where does the tension start? The root of the tension seems to be at the root of my tongue. Oh, I just noticed a release and letting go of the tongue muscle. Oh, I noticed there can be more space in my mouth. Ah, that feels nicer.”

Deep breath!

I’ve been reflecting on how the lives of freelance musicians are constantly changing, from one gig to the next. Change is not the same as transition, but it can go hand-in-hand with transition. Transition is an internal state, an internal shift, of the three stages: an ending, a neutral zone, and a beginning. Freelancers often go through these steps externally – one show ends, followed by a break and down time, and then the next show starts. Using that “neutral zone” between gigs to make sure you really take care of yourself could decrease the stress that goes with the unstable life of freelancing and gigging. Asking yourself “What do I need right now?” is a great way to get beneath our knee-jerk reactions of eating our emotions or mindlessly surfing facebook for hours.

The second question, “what am I willing to notice right now?” can be applied to working on music. Musicians are so good at problem solving, and constantly judging our work that taking a step back and creating a little space for non-judgement is healthy. It takes the pressure off the intensity of learning music, and often we learn faster because of the release of pressure. The key here is to notice without judging or desiring change. Just observe. Find the root of the problem, only for observation purposes, not for judgement and criticism of ourselves. Get as specific as you can. See what happens if you let go of the desire to judge, criticize, fix for a portion of your practice session. I’ve found it makes practicing much more enjoyable!

Let me know if these questions resonate with you and how you apply them. I’d love to hear from you! Especially as I’m sitting on the couch nursing for the twentieth time today, it’s a welcome break to hear from friends and colleagues!

PS – Have you heard about the Musician’s Mastermind? The Mastermind is a group for digging into inner obstacles, Inner Artist coaching, and loving accountability. The next session starts on Sept 28th. Click here if you are interested in learning more.

PPS – I'll be performing with the lovely Christine Steyer this coming Friday (Sept 4th) at 4th Presbyterian Church, 12:10 pm. We're doing some old favorites as well as a set by David Shenton that I simply adore.