When FEAR strikes - a heart centered antidote

I remember performing Gershwin's Three Preludes shortly after graduating college. I love those pieces! But all I could think about during that performance was that I wore the wrong dress because my right leg was shaking so badly and surely everyone could see it and clearly that was ruining my performance. 

I don't remember the dress I was wearing, but I have a visceral memory of trying my darndest to stop my leg from shaking, with no success whatsoever. It simply kept jittering away, stealing my focus from the actual music.

I wrote last week about author Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on approaching fear. Fear is boring, because it is the same thing every day. And it has one word – STOP!

Making space for fear, not fighting it, letting it do its thing while you continue on doing your thing, is a great practice for life.

But what do you do when intense fear strikes while under pressure?

Like crazy racing heart while onstage? Or feeling like you might faint in your audition? Or mad leg shaking while performing?

Today I want to talk about using Gratitude and other heart centered spiritual approaches as an antidote to fear.

Super cool research is under way about the Heart as a second brain in our body.

More than half the cells in the heart are neural cells, the same that are in the brain, meaning the heart can think. With this 'thinking' the heart affects all systems and organs in the body, including the limbic system, the area of the brain that is trigger by fear. (One side note, the brain’s electromagnetic field is so strong, it can even affect the emotions of those around you!) It is the limbic system that puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode. That’s when we get the crazy symptoms of anxiety, stress and fear, like the racing heart, feeling like you might pass out, sweaty any part of your body, jumpy legs, difficulty breathing.

Connecting to the heart, therefore, can help our limbic system to stay relaxed and calm, even under pressure.

Here’s how to use heart centered Gratitude or a spiritual practice as an antidote to fear:

1. Think of something specific to your situation for which you feel authentic gratitude. Center the gratitude for these moments in your heart, breath into it, and gently let it spread through your whole body. I find that allowing gratitude to spread works much better than trying to force it. Releasing tension is a great by-product of this practice.

1. Prior to practicing, take time to connect with these moments in the music. Visualize yourself playing them at your best. Feel what it’s like in your body to have success in these moments. Turn inward and center into this feeling. Allow the gratitude to flow throughout your body.

1. As you make this part of your practice routine, your body becomes habituated to the energy of gratitude. Just as you practice technique, you need to practice how you want your body and brain to feel during performance.

1. Use some practice run-throughs to keep gratitude flowing as your primary goal. Up the ante by playing in front of a friend or roommate or schoolmate. Perform for a recording device. Come to a Rep Rally.

1. When fear strikes, acknowledge its presence a la Elizabeth Gilbert “Oh hello Fear. You’re here again.” And then rather than pushing fear away, try shifting your attention to gratitude and see what happens. There can be space for both, and the gratitude will help you function, even with the presence of fear.

I’d love to know how you deal with fear in the moment. Drop me a note via email or comment here on the blog.

What you resist persists

Growing up, I was afraid not only of all the commonly recognized and legitimate childhood dangers (the dark, strangers, the deep end of the swimming pool), but I was also afraid of an extensive list of completely benign things (snow, perfectly nice babysitters, cars, playgrounds, stairs, Sesame Street, the telephone, board games, the grocery store, sharp blades of grass, any new situation whatsoever, anything that dared to move, etc., etc., etc.). “
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, her conclusion about fear, after living a very fearful childhood? Fear is boring: “because it was the same thing every day. Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture. I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist or an unexpected ending. My fear was a song with only one note—only one word, actually—and that word was ‘STOP!’”

I remember reading an interview with her a few years ago and she was asked how she deals with fear. She said something to the effect that she greets fear everyday – “oh hello Fear. You’re here again. Ok, no problem. Just want to let you know that I’m going to continue writing anyways.”

That was something that really stuck with me, because, the goal isn’t to get rid of the fear. The goal is to keep on with our chosen art/profession/passion and not be deterred or inhibited by our fears. 

Fear is normal and human! I strongly believe that fear is super important, it is our evolutionary safety mechanism. That is it’s one and only goal – to keep us safe – and it is really good at it!

Fear has a hair trigger for anything that could potentially, possibly, even slightly, be dangerous.

Like performing in front of people who are judging us.

This week I encourage you to make space for fear, rather than pushing it away. What happens if you follow Elizabeth Gilbert's lead next time fear pops up? Try saying to it: "Oh, hello Fear. You're here again. Ok, no problem. I'm gonna keep on keeping on with my work." 

Sometimes it's not practical to make space for fear. Sometimes fear can feel overwhelming and debilitating. Next week I will send out another tool I like to use to keep functional under pressure, when fear is especially strong, like in performance. 

Reflections on the New Year

I don’t know about you, but my email inbox has been inundated with emails about setting resolutions for the New Year. I subscribe to a fair number of inner growth type blogs, and the New Year is prime territory for such work. I love the support and the ideas that all of these blogs present, but sometimes all this emphasis on "making 2016 your best year yet" can feel overwhelming and like too much pressure. And here I am, adding to the chatter.

I find that too much of New Year resolution setting comes from a place of not good enough. "If only I can fix my body weight, practice routine, eating habits, technology addiction, then life will be good."

What if, instead, there is space to notice how you are succeeding, what is working, and at the same time, notice what would truly make you happier or more satisfied or more in alignment with your values? 

Gradually over the last couple of years, I’ve shifted from resolutions stemming from not good enough to looking at the marking of the New Year as an opportunity forreflection. Rather than assessing all the ways I am not good enough, I now think about things like, is my daily life connecting with the values I hold deepest? What would feel good to shape and shift so that I connect deeper to my values? What worked well in the last year that I want to continue this year?

I hope I’m not adding to your plethora of emails about New Year’s resolutions/reflections, but I will risk it by offering a few steps that have helped me, andan offer to help you personally.

1. Be Specific
What area of your life might benefit from some reflection and change? Now, how will you make that change happen? I know this question seems basic and boring, but really, without the specifics, the change is unlikely to happen.
 
Want to practice more? Plan out the time and write it in your calendar.

Do you wish for more gigs? This kind of change requires more digging. What kind of gigs? What is holding you back from finding these jobs? What steps might you take to find more of the work you desire? Write down all the steps you can think of to get more work, and then put them in order. Then tackle only one step at a time.
 
Are there qualities you wish to cultivate? Pick one or two and write the words or phrases any place you might see it – post it notes in your bathroom, by the kitchen sink, a screensaver on your computer, a daily timer on your phone, or even use these qualities as passwords.

Seriously, get as specific as you can. This is one thing we do in the Musician's Mastermind that really helps people follow through on their goals. 
 
2. Make it Simple
Aim for one change at a time.
 
Really.
 
Change is more likely to stick and become habit if you intentionally foster one specific goal at a time. We have limited willpower available to us on a daily basis, and trying to change too many things at once risks overextending our willpower supplies.
 
3. Get Support
Tell someone about your one specific goal/intention/change that you have in mind. Check in with this person or people on this intention. Knowing that someone else is aware of your intention will help keep you motivated, will help keep the goal on your mind, and offer up opportunities for reflection if and when things aren’t going as you hoped.
 
My offer to you is a gift of support. Write me and tell me about your new intention and I will offer some feedback and reflection via email, helping you get specific. Then I will send two follow up emails, in two weeks and in a month, to see how you are doing with your intentions.
 
As for me and my reflections this past year, I’m aiming for increasing certain qualities in my life. I used Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map this fall and came up with three words about how I want to feel on a regular basis.
 
Juicy – I want my inner life to be deep. I want my interactions with people I care about to be full of substance, connection, and fun.
 
Spacious – I continue to discover that my emotional life is vast and takes up a lot of room. I give myself permission to fully feel big (and juicy) emotions on a daily basis, and permission to feel emotions that run the gamut from joy to anger and everything in between. I also want to give the people I work with the same gift, space to do their best work, space to cultivate their inner tools. Sometimes that involves struggle and space to do things differently than me.
 
Attuned – Knowing and meeting my own needs helps me meet the needs of others. Meeting people’s needs feels good to me. Meeting my needs first helps me do that better. 
 
Specifically, I connect to each of these words in the morning, as I think about my day. I’m also telling all of you about these qualities, so now it is public, can’t take it back, can only learn from it and move forward.

Holiday Survival Guide for Musicians

Holiday Survival Guide for Musicians
I don’t know about you, but all the advice during the holidays of taking care of oneself never really worked for me. Who wants to pre-eat before going to a party, so you don’t eat the tasty stuff? And who has time to exercise during musician’s busiest month? Here are my suggestions for surviving the holidays, culled from ten-plus years experience of  making hay while the sun shines. Or making money while the carols jingle.

Know your minimum requirements for self care. Does having a clean house help you feel less stressed? Then keep that on your list. Don’t care if the dust bunnies multiple? Then they and their growing families can all wait until January. Does exercise help clear your brain? What is the simplest and easiest form you can partake in to get the clear head and boost of energy? Does bringing healthy food with you to a gig help you function better? Then cooking healthy food is a good idea at 7 am, or 11 pm. What is it for you that helps you function?

Adjust expectations. Once you know your minimum requirements for self care, try to let everything non-work related go. For me, eating healthy food really helps me function, so I bring snacks and meals with me everywhere. I’d rather take 10-15 minutes in the morning to put together a really delicious and satisfying salad then trust that I’ll find something half as good when I’m out and about. And sleep! This is at the top of my list always. I've left many a fun holiday party ridiculously early so that I can prioritize sleep. But I let go of just about everything else – exercise, cleaning, paying bills (I don’t recommend letting this one go!). What can you let go of, and what needs to stay on your priority list to stay sane?

Set boundaries and ask for help. Let loved ones and roommates know that life is different in December. Let them know about your minimum self care requirements and your adjusted expectations. Ask them to help pick up the slack, and perhaps promise to return the favor in January.

Focus on the positive. Remember why you are working your tail off this month. Remember why you love being a musician. Think about your favorite colleagues you get to spend time with this month. Find your favorite phrases in your performances. Keep them fresh and engaging to you.

Remember that this is temporary. Many of us will have a slow month in January. Know that December has only 31 days, and we are already one week in. Remind yourself of how you will take good care of all your needs once the dust settles and the carols end.

Finally, please enjoy this post from my friend Emily about making friends with eating during the holidays.

Happy Holidays, thanks for reading, and I look forward to communicating with you in the New Year!

With love and gratitude,
Marta

Tis the season for Gratitude

During this holiday of gratitude, I want to thank you for reading my newsletters. I started writing these about a year and a half ago, and I had no idea how much I would enjoy the process, the learning, the experimentation, and the communications with you. I’m grateful to you, who is willing to read and ponder and respond to my thoughts. That is very meaningful to me. Thank you. 

Gratitude is an energy of expansion and flow, while stress, anxiety, fear, fatigue all close us down. A few thoughts about how gratitude can help us in making music, especially as we approach our busy holiday season. 

1. Gratitude evaporates performance anxiety. Identify your favorite passage to play, your favorite note to sound, your favorite word to sing. Sink into the feeling of enjoying that part. Let that focus fill your body and erase anxiety, tension, and fear. Likewise you may do the same for identifying what makes you feel the best about the gig –  the conductor/collaborators, the music, the venue, the audience.

1. Gratitude keeps things fresh. If you have a holiday gig where you play the same thing over and over every year (Nutcracker people, I’m looking at you), it can be a challenge to stay engaged with the music and the job. Follow the same advice as #1 – find your favorite note, passage, word, moment and let those feelings sink in and wash over you. Find a different moment every performance.

1. Gratitude balances out unpleasant colleagues. Well, it may not balance them, but it can balance our approach to someone who is difficult. Everyone has redeeming qualities. Even your most irritating colleague has something positive about them. Identify their best traits and focus your gratitude on those qualities. Perhaps you might even tell them you appreciate those qualities about them! And if that doesn't work, go back and repeat step #1. 

1. Gratitude helps us accept compliments. How many times have you performed, made some mistakes and got hung up on those problems? Then in the receiving line after, when people genuinely express their gratitude, we dismiss those compliments? Try taking them at face value. Try letting the appreciation of your audience sink in. Know that you touched someone. Know that you made a difference by adding beauty and art to the world.

How else does gratitude help you? I'd love to know your thoughts.

Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving!

How do you react to feedback?

My last newsletter resonated with many of you, about judgment and perfectionism. I love how one reader said it “struck a rather dissonant chord”. I thought I’d write a bit more about perfectionism for those who related to this topic.

Perfectionism is similar to the Inner Critic, in that it often turns into all or nothing – either I passed, succeeded with no noticeable mistakes, or I failed because my mistakes were noticeable. The thing is, we are never perfect. We just aren’t. We’re human, and part of being human is making mistakes.
I’m including Brene Brown’s quote on perfectionism again because I think it’s so good and worth rereading:

"Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."
http://brenebrown.com/2009/03/18/2009318perfectionism-and-claiming-shame-html/

I think musicians have some unique circumstances that can contribute to the perfectionist mindset. We are trained from a young age, through weekly lessons and constant feedback, that we have flaws and imperfections, and that someone else knows better than us. Plus, many are auditioning on a regular basis, being judged by those with the power to hire and fire.

Some people thrive on this feedback though, and see it as a challenge to grow and become better. Why is that? And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism (everyone writing this newsletter does!), how can we become more like them?

Carol Dweck has studied this very topic for 25 years, and she has identified two different mindsets in learning. One is the Fixed Mindset – seeking to be perfect, to be perceived as perfect, and a correlating belief that our intelligence, personality, and talents are all fixed. The other is the Growth Mindset. In this mindset, people believe that they can improve and change their intelligence and abilities, and one never knows how much can be accomplished or achieved through effort and struggle.

Some people are predominantly in one mindset or the other. But many of us go in and out of the two different mindsets depending upon circumstances. The cool thing is that we can all cultivate the Growth Mindset.

For me, I used to believe that intelligence was fixed and our abilities had limits. I grew up with an older sister who also played piano and she won competitions. When it was my turn to enter the same competitions, I never did as well. In my mind this led to an equation – someone else was better than me (always my sister, and often other entrants in the competitions) and that meant I was never good enough. In the Fixed Mindset, if you aren’t the top, then you are a failure. And every challenge or competition is an opportunity to prove that point again and again. Even worse, these challenges make the failure available for public viewing.

In the Growth Mindset, one might view these circumstances differently. I could take my experiences in the competitions and find things to learn from it. I can also question my goals. Are my goals to win the competition, or learn to play the piano in the most satisfying and enjoyable way I know how? Am I looking for internal validation or external approval?

A major key (perhaps G major?) for the Growth Mindset is to get curious. Does the situation, feedback, etc, match up with your expectations and your internal experience? What can you learn from the situation? Is there useful information?

Summary of the Fixed Mindset: JUDGMENT
Summary of the Growth Mindset: Get Curious!

Here are some examples.

Situation: Receiving harsh audition feedback.

Fixed Mindset: It’s not my fault. I had a bad morning, my throat didn’t cooperate, my fingers were cold, I ate the wrong breakfast, the traffic was bad, the accompanist screwed up.

Growth Mindset: Get curious! Did the comments match up with my experience of the situation? Sift through the comments. Which ones can I address? What can I do about these weak spots?
 

Situation: Not being rehired for the yearly Christmas gig.

Fixed Mindset: They don’t like me. I’m not good enough, young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, never enough.

Growth Mindset: I wonder what happened? Perhaps I can call my contact person and find out. I can gather more information before making assumptions.
 

Situation: Overhearing negative comments from colleagues.

Fixed Mindset: I should show them! I’m much better than them! They can’t even [fill in the blank]!

Growth Mindset: Ouch, that hurts, coming from a colleague! Yep, that stings. But I know I’m solid with my skills. I wonder why they are feeling so nasty today?
 

Situation: Teacher/coach/friend tells you that you should set appropriateexpectations. Or comes right out and says you’ll never [xyz].

Fixed Mindset: They’re probably right. They know better than me. I’m not good enough. I'm going to stop trying. 

Growth Mindset: This is a goal I really, really want, and I will do anything it takes to get there. I’m going to start by making specific plans in my practice for this week and this technical goal. I’m willing to pursue this goal, because I know I’ll learn so much just by giving it my all. Who knows where that will lead me?

What about you? What situations trigger the fixed mindset for you? How can you change that into the Growth Mindset? Keep it simple, one step at a time. Let me know if you have questions or would like help in figuring out how to apply this to your particular situation!