Curiosity and The Shoulds

I live with a lot of shoulds. Maybe you do too. I should practice more. I should have a better website. I should make more money. I should stay in touch with all the people I know, all the time. I should eat healthy food every day, all day. I should exercise more.

All of these have good intentions at the root of them. Eating healthy and exercising make me feel good in my body. Practicing more leads to more satisfying performances. Being connected to people is one of my core values.

But a lot of times the should aspect changes the goodness of the intention and burdens it, and can even change the goodness of the result.

What happens if you connect with what inspires you without the should?

What would it be like to get curious about practicing? Do you want to practice today? How would it feel to sit down for 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, to play with enjoyment and passion?

What happens if you reach out to one friend or colleague, not with the burden of obligation? What if connecting could happen in a curious way?

What if you could choose food with compassion? Even choosing pizza and ice cream with compassion!

Of course, there are many things we are obligated to do in life (did you file your taxes on time?).

However, a lot of time we have a choice in how we approach many of the activities and work tasks.

Choosing a framework of curiosity instead of ‘the shoulds’, compassion instead of berating ourselves, connecting with delight instead of pressure. These will increase the joy in your work and life.

And these mental frameworks also help us live and work in a sustainable fashion, preventing burn-out in a field where rejection, low wages, and anxiety can reign supreme.

So, I’m curious – can you shift your mental framework for any one task today? Can you add in more compassion for yourself over something that is challenging you? What are you curious about today?

Planning ahead for your nerves

A teacher in grad school used to say to us during studio classes “you need to work through your performance emotions in advance of the performance.”

I always wondered, how the heck does one do that? How do you process through and deal with nerves in advance of feeling nervous? It just didn’t make sense to me at the time.

My teachers wasn’t able to explain how to do this either, but now I see the wisdom of her words and here's how I interpret her advice.

Know your triggers
What are the thoughts, concerns, feelings that trigger your nerves? What is it that you fear will happen during the performance?

For me, letting my mind go down the path of “So-and-so-that-I-really-admire will be there, watching and judging” is dangerous. Any variation on this theme is no good – I hope to impress someone; I hope they rehire me; I hope my collaborators like me.

Anything that distracts from the job and the task at hand, including concerns about clothing, an argument that happened that morning, your grocery list. At best it leads to a distracted performance. At worst, it can create space for the nerves to take over.

During your practice sessions, train your brain to stay focused on the music, the notes, the sounds. When distracting thoughts enter, as they are bound to do, identify them, and regroup back to the music.

Practice under pressure
Find a safe place to test the waters. Find out where your weak spots are, technically and mentally. Where do you get distracted? Where in the music do nerves surge? Why?

What happens in your body when under pressure? I get cold, sweaty hands and when I'm really nervous, my legs shake. Experiencing this in advance helps me know that I am capable of performing and ignoring or flowing with the nerves. 

Visualize your day
Visualize the time leading up to the performance. What do you feel that morning? During the day? How will you keep yourself grounded, excited, confident?

How do you feel the hour before your performance? Do you have any rituals that help you prepare?
How do you feel just before walking onstage? Just before you play/sing your first note? What are your priorities, goals, and intentions?

Visualize yourself performing at your best, being grounded, centered, calm, confident. What does that feel like in your body? 

Healthy compartmentalization
Talk to your fears and nerves as if they are a person. What are their concerns? What are they trying to help you with? Spend time getting to know them and be with them in their concerns. Don't argue with the fears, just listen. Being heard and validated, just like for us real humans, goes a long way to calming fears.

Let your fears know, when it’s go time, it is not their job to help you perform. Other more functional and artistic parts of you need to step forward and take the reins.

Make a deal with your fears – during the performance they need to take a break. Then afterwards, at a specified time, you will check in with them. Set a timer for 15 minutes and journal, or think and feel, or talk out loud, to your fears.

I love this tool and use it all the time.

The key here is that you must follow through on this commitment. If you back out on your end of the deal, to be present with your fears after the performance, this tool will not continue to work.

For more reading on this last tool, check out this post from the Bulletproof Musician.

Don't try to tackle all of these ideas at once. Pick one category for your next performance and spend some time asking yourself the questions above. 

How do you plan ahead for your nerves? I'd love to hear what works for you!

Stand your sacred ground

A number of years ago I worked as an apprentice at a summer vocal program. One of my duties was playing for voice lessons every day. One of the teachers was intense and mean, to say the least. She would regularly scream at her students, all kind of profanities, and call them stupid, or fat, or anything else nasty. Sometimes she got really physical with them, yanking on their face or jaw or pushing with all her might on their abdomen.

I had major anxiety anytime I was scheduled to play for her, even though she mostly ignored me. Just being in the room with that kind of intense negative energy made me feel crazy -- shaky, nervous that her mean spotlight would be turned on me, and especially feeling bad for any singer that provoked her wrath. 

Most of us don’t experience this level of intensity (or abuse) in a lesson or coaching. Yet, many feel anxiety regardless of how nice the teacher or coach is.

As I've been writing about lately here and here, fear is normal human behavior – we are hardwired to care what others think about us. It is part of our survival mechanism in our lizard brain to worry about judgment. In a lesson or coaching we expect feedback and criticism. The worry is that this criticism will be about us as a person, or that we will be judged and found lacking, either personally, or professionally. And if this one person thinks we are not good enough, well, they must truly know. At least, that is the way my fears work!

So, fear is normal. We all have similar fears, to varying degrees. We don’t need to push fear away or tell ourselves we are stupid for feeling this way. But we don’t want fear to inhibit us, from scheduling the coaching you need, taking the audition you are interested in, pursuing the work to get to the next level. Making choices based on fear are never satisfying in the long run.

Brené Brown advises:

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.”

Unhook your value as a person from the opinion of the coach/teacher, and from the feedback you receive in the lesson. Regardless of whether you are in school, are making music for fun, or are a professional musician, anxiety will decrease significantly when you do this.

For those that tend to take feedback personally, here are some suggestions, based uponBrené Brown’s advice.

1. Don’t shrink. Bring your whole human self to the coaching. It can feel like an act of courage to bring your whole self, mistakes and all, to a coaching or lesson. Be honest, both with yourself and the coach. It’s totally fine to walk in the door and say, “I’m nervous, and here’s why.” Be honest about where you are at in your study of the music, and make room to accept that fact.You can’t be anywhere but where you are in your process. Every single person must start at the beginning, in learning their craft and in learning a piece of music. Some people learn faster than others (I love this video of pianist Valentina Lisista about how she learns music), but everyone must start at note one.
2. Don’t puff up. There is no need to prove yourself. You don’t have to defend your choices or insist that you know best, or that you already know everything. You don't know everything, and never will. Plus you're paying money to get feedback! Wouldn't it be terribly annoying if you actually know everything the coach is offering? What is the point in hiring this person? Make the choice to discern between the wisdom your coach or teacher offers and what you need to let roll away. Puffing up and proving ourselves comes into play when we feel like we have to agree or disagree with everything that our coach says. You don't. You can listen, melange, ruminate, and then absorb what is useful to you in this moment in time. 
3. Stand your sacred ground. I really believe that being a musician is sacred work. Making music is no small matter, and music has the capacity to touch people’s lives in a way that words or math can’t. Music moves us. It brings healing. It amplifies joy. Karl Paulnack, Director of the Music Division at the Boston Conservatory, says this beautifully in this compelling speech. It is very worth taking the time to read.
4. Your teacher is on an evolving journey as well. When I first started out as a coach, I assumed that what everyone wanted was for me to be as nit-picky as possible. It took me time to learn that this wasn’t always effective, as a person can only learn so much in one hour. I’ve gradually shifted my approach over time, now focusing on ‘what is the priority today? What will be most effective in achieving that priority today?’ I’m sure my philosophy and approach will continue to evolve. So will every coach and teacher you work with. Your teacher is not a finished product, just as you are not your finished product either.

By the way, this advice of Standing your Sacred Ground can be applied to anything in life that makes you nervous, ahem, like performing. Or a breakup. Or a job interview. Or auditions.

Thanks for reading!

Course Corrections

Our friends gave us an amazing Bob Stroller for our baby shower. I hated it. It was so big and cumbersome for our teeny tiny little baby. And it has a fixed front wheel. I thought there was nothing worse than a fixed front wheel.

When winter came, though, I fell in love with the stroller. When Loki was a teeny tiny peanut, it was great to snuggle him up for walks in one of my carriers. But as he got more mobile and wanting to see the world around him, the stroller became my best friend for our daily walks. And the Bob was great on snow or ice, and someday I’ll even take it out to the woods.

The other day we were out for a stroll and it was lightly snowing. It felt so good to get out and stretch my legs, as it had been a few days since our last walk. It was beautiful, Loki was happy, I was happy.

We were walking the circular track at a nearby park and I noticed that the stroller was creating an interesting pattern in the snow. Because of the fixed front wheel, the stroller doesn’t turn around the oval track. Instead I have to tilt it slightly backward to turn the stroller. I make many micro turns as we go. Sometimes the pattern looked like a smooth circle, but other times there were little jigjags, indicating a bigger course correction. (That picture at the top, that's of our stroller jigjags.)

As a chronic ‘metaphor-maker’ of all things, I thought this was a great metaphor about course correcting in life: 
We set out on a path with certain goals or dreams in mind, and many times, little nudges will do the trick to keep us on track. Smooth and easy. Other times we need a bigger jigjag to stay on course. And then there are times in life when something happens to make us take a new course or find a new direction or a new goal.

Like Loki starting to cry and wanting out of the stroller. Ugh! This was new – he loves the stroller! But here we were, on course, and yet he wanted change. So change we did. Out he came from the stroller, and back home we went.

What small course corrections do you make to keep on track? For me, it is checking in with the feelings I want out of work this year (as I wrote about here) – juicy, spacious, connected, and attuned.

When accepting gigs, or planning workshops, I check in with my heart for attunementto my needs. Does this gig feel juicy, fun, meaningful? Is my calendar spaciousenough so that I don’t feel overwhelmed and stressed? Is the pay adequate to make it worth my while? Do I feel connected to my family, to my colleagues, to the work?

What are your priorities? How do they shape your daily choices? What small correction can you make this week to keep you on track?

I’d love to hear from you about how you keep on course with your goals and taking care of yourself at the same time. It makes my day to be connected to you and hear about your journey.

Thanks for reading!

When FEAR strikes - a heart centered antidote

I remember performing Gershwin's Three Preludes shortly after graduating college. I love those pieces! But all I could think about during that performance was that I wore the wrong dress because my right leg was shaking so badly and surely everyone could see it and clearly that was ruining my performance. 

I don't remember the dress I was wearing, but I have a visceral memory of trying my darndest to stop my leg from shaking, with no success whatsoever. It simply kept jittering away, stealing my focus from the actual music.

I wrote last week about author Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on approaching fear. Fear is boring, because it is the same thing every day. And it has one word – STOP!

Making space for fear, not fighting it, letting it do its thing while you continue on doing your thing, is a great practice for life.

But what do you do when intense fear strikes while under pressure?

Like crazy racing heart while onstage? Or feeling like you might faint in your audition? Or mad leg shaking while performing?

Today I want to talk about using Gratitude and other heart centered spiritual approaches as an antidote to fear.

Super cool research is under way about the Heart as a second brain in our body.

More than half the cells in the heart are neural cells, the same that are in the brain, meaning the heart can think. With this 'thinking' the heart affects all systems and organs in the body, including the limbic system, the area of the brain that is trigger by fear. (One side note, the brain’s electromagnetic field is so strong, it can even affect the emotions of those around you!) It is the limbic system that puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode. That’s when we get the crazy symptoms of anxiety, stress and fear, like the racing heart, feeling like you might pass out, sweaty any part of your body, jumpy legs, difficulty breathing.

Connecting to the heart, therefore, can help our limbic system to stay relaxed and calm, even under pressure.

Here’s how to use heart centered Gratitude or a spiritual practice as an antidote to fear:

1. Think of something specific to your situation for which you feel authentic gratitude. Center the gratitude for these moments in your heart, breath into it, and gently let it spread through your whole body. I find that allowing gratitude to spread works much better than trying to force it. Releasing tension is a great by-product of this practice.

1. Prior to practicing, take time to connect with these moments in the music. Visualize yourself playing them at your best. Feel what it’s like in your body to have success in these moments. Turn inward and center into this feeling. Allow the gratitude to flow throughout your body.

1. As you make this part of your practice routine, your body becomes habituated to the energy of gratitude. Just as you practice technique, you need to practice how you want your body and brain to feel during performance.

1. Use some practice run-throughs to keep gratitude flowing as your primary goal. Up the ante by playing in front of a friend or roommate or schoolmate. Perform for a recording device. Come to a Rep Rally.

1. When fear strikes, acknowledge its presence a la Elizabeth Gilbert “Oh hello Fear. You’re here again.” And then rather than pushing fear away, try shifting your attention to gratitude and see what happens. There can be space for both, and the gratitude will help you function, even with the presence of fear.

I’d love to know how you deal with fear in the moment. Drop me a note via email or comment here on the blog.

What you resist persists

Growing up, I was afraid not only of all the commonly recognized and legitimate childhood dangers (the dark, strangers, the deep end of the swimming pool), but I was also afraid of an extensive list of completely benign things (snow, perfectly nice babysitters, cars, playgrounds, stairs, Sesame Street, the telephone, board games, the grocery store, sharp blades of grass, any new situation whatsoever, anything that dared to move, etc., etc., etc.). “
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, her conclusion about fear, after living a very fearful childhood? Fear is boring: “because it was the same thing every day. Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture. I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist or an unexpected ending. My fear was a song with only one note—only one word, actually—and that word was ‘STOP!’”

I remember reading an interview with her a few years ago and she was asked how she deals with fear. She said something to the effect that she greets fear everyday – “oh hello Fear. You’re here again. Ok, no problem. Just want to let you know that I’m going to continue writing anyways.”

That was something that really stuck with me, because, the goal isn’t to get rid of the fear. The goal is to keep on with our chosen art/profession/passion and not be deterred or inhibited by our fears. 

Fear is normal and human! I strongly believe that fear is super important, it is our evolutionary safety mechanism. That is it’s one and only goal – to keep us safe – and it is really good at it!

Fear has a hair trigger for anything that could potentially, possibly, even slightly, be dangerous.

Like performing in front of people who are judging us.

This week I encourage you to make space for fear, rather than pushing it away. What happens if you follow Elizabeth Gilbert's lead next time fear pops up? Try saying to it: "Oh, hello Fear. You're here again. Ok, no problem. I'm gonna keep on keeping on with my work." 

Sometimes it's not practical to make space for fear. Sometimes fear can feel overwhelming and debilitating. Next week I will send out another tool I like to use to keep functional under pressure, when fear is especially strong, like in performance.