Reflections on the New Year

I don’t know about you, but my email inbox has been inundated with emails about setting resolutions for the New Year. I subscribe to a fair number of inner growth type blogs, and the New Year is prime territory for such work. I love the support and the ideas that all of these blogs present, but sometimes all this emphasis on "making 2016 your best year yet" can feel overwhelming and like too much pressure. And here I am, adding to the chatter.

I find that too much of New Year resolution setting comes from a place of not good enough. "If only I can fix my body weight, practice routine, eating habits, technology addiction, then life will be good."

What if, instead, there is space to notice how you are succeeding, what is working, and at the same time, notice what would truly make you happier or more satisfied or more in alignment with your values? 

Gradually over the last couple of years, I’ve shifted from resolutions stemming from not good enough to looking at the marking of the New Year as an opportunity forreflection. Rather than assessing all the ways I am not good enough, I now think about things like, is my daily life connecting with the values I hold deepest? What would feel good to shape and shift so that I connect deeper to my values? What worked well in the last year that I want to continue this year?

I hope I’m not adding to your plethora of emails about New Year’s resolutions/reflections, but I will risk it by offering a few steps that have helped me, andan offer to help you personally.

1. Be Specific
What area of your life might benefit from some reflection and change? Now, how will you make that change happen? I know this question seems basic and boring, but really, without the specifics, the change is unlikely to happen.
 
Want to practice more? Plan out the time and write it in your calendar.

Do you wish for more gigs? This kind of change requires more digging. What kind of gigs? What is holding you back from finding these jobs? What steps might you take to find more of the work you desire? Write down all the steps you can think of to get more work, and then put them in order. Then tackle only one step at a time.
 
Are there qualities you wish to cultivate? Pick one or two and write the words or phrases any place you might see it – post it notes in your bathroom, by the kitchen sink, a screensaver on your computer, a daily timer on your phone, or even use these qualities as passwords.

Seriously, get as specific as you can. This is one thing we do in the Musician's Mastermind that really helps people follow through on their goals. 
 
2. Make it Simple
Aim for one change at a time.
 
Really.
 
Change is more likely to stick and become habit if you intentionally foster one specific goal at a time. We have limited willpower available to us on a daily basis, and trying to change too many things at once risks overextending our willpower supplies.
 
3. Get Support
Tell someone about your one specific goal/intention/change that you have in mind. Check in with this person or people on this intention. Knowing that someone else is aware of your intention will help keep you motivated, will help keep the goal on your mind, and offer up opportunities for reflection if and when things aren’t going as you hoped.
 
My offer to you is a gift of support. Write me and tell me about your new intention and I will offer some feedback and reflection via email, helping you get specific. Then I will send two follow up emails, in two weeks and in a month, to see how you are doing with your intentions.
 
As for me and my reflections this past year, I’m aiming for increasing certain qualities in my life. I used Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map this fall and came up with three words about how I want to feel on a regular basis.
 
Juicy – I want my inner life to be deep. I want my interactions with people I care about to be full of substance, connection, and fun.
 
Spacious – I continue to discover that my emotional life is vast and takes up a lot of room. I give myself permission to fully feel big (and juicy) emotions on a daily basis, and permission to feel emotions that run the gamut from joy to anger and everything in between. I also want to give the people I work with the same gift, space to do their best work, space to cultivate their inner tools. Sometimes that involves struggle and space to do things differently than me.
 
Attuned – Knowing and meeting my own needs helps me meet the needs of others. Meeting people’s needs feels good to me. Meeting my needs first helps me do that better. 
 
Specifically, I connect to each of these words in the morning, as I think about my day. I’m also telling all of you about these qualities, so now it is public, can’t take it back, can only learn from it and move forward.

Holiday Survival Guide for Musicians

Holiday Survival Guide for Musicians
I don’t know about you, but all the advice during the holidays of taking care of oneself never really worked for me. Who wants to pre-eat before going to a party, so you don’t eat the tasty stuff? And who has time to exercise during musician’s busiest month? Here are my suggestions for surviving the holidays, culled from ten-plus years experience of  making hay while the sun shines. Or making money while the carols jingle.

Know your minimum requirements for self care. Does having a clean house help you feel less stressed? Then keep that on your list. Don’t care if the dust bunnies multiple? Then they and their growing families can all wait until January. Does exercise help clear your brain? What is the simplest and easiest form you can partake in to get the clear head and boost of energy? Does bringing healthy food with you to a gig help you function better? Then cooking healthy food is a good idea at 7 am, or 11 pm. What is it for you that helps you function?

Adjust expectations. Once you know your minimum requirements for self care, try to let everything non-work related go. For me, eating healthy food really helps me function, so I bring snacks and meals with me everywhere. I’d rather take 10-15 minutes in the morning to put together a really delicious and satisfying salad then trust that I’ll find something half as good when I’m out and about. And sleep! This is at the top of my list always. I've left many a fun holiday party ridiculously early so that I can prioritize sleep. But I let go of just about everything else – exercise, cleaning, paying bills (I don’t recommend letting this one go!). What can you let go of, and what needs to stay on your priority list to stay sane?

Set boundaries and ask for help. Let loved ones and roommates know that life is different in December. Let them know about your minimum self care requirements and your adjusted expectations. Ask them to help pick up the slack, and perhaps promise to return the favor in January.

Focus on the positive. Remember why you are working your tail off this month. Remember why you love being a musician. Think about your favorite colleagues you get to spend time with this month. Find your favorite phrases in your performances. Keep them fresh and engaging to you.

Remember that this is temporary. Many of us will have a slow month in January. Know that December has only 31 days, and we are already one week in. Remind yourself of how you will take good care of all your needs once the dust settles and the carols end.

Finally, please enjoy this post from my friend Emily about making friends with eating during the holidays.

Happy Holidays, thanks for reading, and I look forward to communicating with you in the New Year!

With love and gratitude,
Marta

Tis the season for Gratitude

During this holiday of gratitude, I want to thank you for reading my newsletters. I started writing these about a year and a half ago, and I had no idea how much I would enjoy the process, the learning, the experimentation, and the communications with you. I’m grateful to you, who is willing to read and ponder and respond to my thoughts. That is very meaningful to me. Thank you. 

Gratitude is an energy of expansion and flow, while stress, anxiety, fear, fatigue all close us down. A few thoughts about how gratitude can help us in making music, especially as we approach our busy holiday season. 

1. Gratitude evaporates performance anxiety. Identify your favorite passage to play, your favorite note to sound, your favorite word to sing. Sink into the feeling of enjoying that part. Let that focus fill your body and erase anxiety, tension, and fear. Likewise you may do the same for identifying what makes you feel the best about the gig –  the conductor/collaborators, the music, the venue, the audience.

1. Gratitude keeps things fresh. If you have a holiday gig where you play the same thing over and over every year (Nutcracker people, I’m looking at you), it can be a challenge to stay engaged with the music and the job. Follow the same advice as #1 – find your favorite note, passage, word, moment and let those feelings sink in and wash over you. Find a different moment every performance.

1. Gratitude balances out unpleasant colleagues. Well, it may not balance them, but it can balance our approach to someone who is difficult. Everyone has redeeming qualities. Even your most irritating colleague has something positive about them. Identify their best traits and focus your gratitude on those qualities. Perhaps you might even tell them you appreciate those qualities about them! And if that doesn't work, go back and repeat step #1. 

1. Gratitude helps us accept compliments. How many times have you performed, made some mistakes and got hung up on those problems? Then in the receiving line after, when people genuinely express their gratitude, we dismiss those compliments? Try taking them at face value. Try letting the appreciation of your audience sink in. Know that you touched someone. Know that you made a difference by adding beauty and art to the world.

How else does gratitude help you? I'd love to know your thoughts.

Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving!

How do you react to feedback?

My last newsletter resonated with many of you, about judgment and perfectionism. I love how one reader said it “struck a rather dissonant chord”. I thought I’d write a bit more about perfectionism for those who related to this topic.

Perfectionism is similar to the Inner Critic, in that it often turns into all or nothing – either I passed, succeeded with no noticeable mistakes, or I failed because my mistakes were noticeable. The thing is, we are never perfect. We just aren’t. We’re human, and part of being human is making mistakes.
I’m including Brene Brown’s quote on perfectionism again because I think it’s so good and worth rereading:

"Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."
http://brenebrown.com/2009/03/18/2009318perfectionism-and-claiming-shame-html/

I think musicians have some unique circumstances that can contribute to the perfectionist mindset. We are trained from a young age, through weekly lessons and constant feedback, that we have flaws and imperfections, and that someone else knows better than us. Plus, many are auditioning on a regular basis, being judged by those with the power to hire and fire.

Some people thrive on this feedback though, and see it as a challenge to grow and become better. Why is that? And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism (everyone writing this newsletter does!), how can we become more like them?

Carol Dweck has studied this very topic for 25 years, and she has identified two different mindsets in learning. One is the Fixed Mindset – seeking to be perfect, to be perceived as perfect, and a correlating belief that our intelligence, personality, and talents are all fixed. The other is the Growth Mindset. In this mindset, people believe that they can improve and change their intelligence and abilities, and one never knows how much can be accomplished or achieved through effort and struggle.

Some people are predominantly in one mindset or the other. But many of us go in and out of the two different mindsets depending upon circumstances. The cool thing is that we can all cultivate the Growth Mindset.

For me, I used to believe that intelligence was fixed and our abilities had limits. I grew up with an older sister who also played piano and she won competitions. When it was my turn to enter the same competitions, I never did as well. In my mind this led to an equation – someone else was better than me (always my sister, and often other entrants in the competitions) and that meant I was never good enough. In the Fixed Mindset, if you aren’t the top, then you are a failure. And every challenge or competition is an opportunity to prove that point again and again. Even worse, these challenges make the failure available for public viewing.

In the Growth Mindset, one might view these circumstances differently. I could take my experiences in the competitions and find things to learn from it. I can also question my goals. Are my goals to win the competition, or learn to play the piano in the most satisfying and enjoyable way I know how? Am I looking for internal validation or external approval?

A major key (perhaps G major?) for the Growth Mindset is to get curious. Does the situation, feedback, etc, match up with your expectations and your internal experience? What can you learn from the situation? Is there useful information?

Summary of the Fixed Mindset: JUDGMENT
Summary of the Growth Mindset: Get Curious!

Here are some examples.

Situation: Receiving harsh audition feedback.

Fixed Mindset: It’s not my fault. I had a bad morning, my throat didn’t cooperate, my fingers were cold, I ate the wrong breakfast, the traffic was bad, the accompanist screwed up.

Growth Mindset: Get curious! Did the comments match up with my experience of the situation? Sift through the comments. Which ones can I address? What can I do about these weak spots?
 

Situation: Not being rehired for the yearly Christmas gig.

Fixed Mindset: They don’t like me. I’m not good enough, young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, never enough.

Growth Mindset: I wonder what happened? Perhaps I can call my contact person and find out. I can gather more information before making assumptions.
 

Situation: Overhearing negative comments from colleagues.

Fixed Mindset: I should show them! I’m much better than them! They can’t even [fill in the blank]!

Growth Mindset: Ouch, that hurts, coming from a colleague! Yep, that stings. But I know I’m solid with my skills. I wonder why they are feeling so nasty today?
 

Situation: Teacher/coach/friend tells you that you should set appropriateexpectations. Or comes right out and says you’ll never [xyz].

Fixed Mindset: They’re probably right. They know better than me. I’m not good enough. I'm going to stop trying. 

Growth Mindset: This is a goal I really, really want, and I will do anything it takes to get there. I’m going to start by making specific plans in my practice for this week and this technical goal. I’m willing to pursue this goal, because I know I’ll learn so much just by giving it my all. Who knows where that will lead me?

What about you? What situations trigger the fixed mindset for you? How can you change that into the Growth Mindset? Keep it simple, one step at a time. Let me know if you have questions or would like help in figuring out how to apply this to your particular situation! 
 

Are you doing your best?

I love Brené Brown. For a while I called her my best friend, the best friend she didn’t know she had. Brené is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living and her writings and teachings were instrumental in some serious internal change in my life. 

I just finished her new book Rising Strong and I highly recommend it. Here’s how she describes the progression of her work through her books:

The Gifts of Imperfection – Be You
Daring Greatly – Be all in.
Rising Strong – Fall. Get up. Try again.

 
What a perfect description of the life of a musician.
 
At any rate, one section of the book struck a chord (yes, pun intended), and that is Brené’s writing about judgment. Brené frames this as a question: Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best they can?

Her research found that those who said “No way” had higher levels of judgment of themselves and struggled with perfectionism. (She considers perfectionism to be “defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.”)
 
Wow, this hit home.
 
Several years ago I was in the midst of a battle in my body. I had serious shoulder tension for years that had escalated into pain. I knew it was emotionally based, but even though I had been in therapy on and off for a number of years, the pain and tension hadn’t gone away.
 
I enrolled in a program offered by my doctor for healing Tension Myostitis Syndrome, also called Mind Body Syndrome. This program has success in helping people who have real pain but the pain is from emotional sources rather than physical causes. I found it to be life-changing, and it’s where I was introduced to Brené Brown.
 
During this month long class, I played in the pit orchestra for a musical. I was making progress with releasing some little amounts of the shoulder pain, and I made a startling (to me) discovery: when I judged the singers and other musicians, my shoulders started hurting more; when I judged myself for every imperfection, I was more likely to judge the other performers. It all was very circular and related. I started practicing taking a step back from judging both myself and the other performers.
 
I started noticing the harshness with which I judged myself, and the direct connection to pain in my shoulders. The pain provided serious motivation to find a new way to interact with judgment, perfectionism, and striving.
 
Judgment is a double edged sword for musicians. On the one hand, we all need excellent critical analysis and problem solving skills to assess our practicing and performing. We don’t get very far without these skills, or it will cost an arm and a leg to continually pay a teacher or coach to tell us what to do.
 
On the other hand, what we call critical analysis is sometimes plain old mean and nasty thoughts about other performers, and about ourselves. It is analysis run amok. Haven’t we all been in musical situations where some performers constantly judge and criticize other performers?  Often behind their backs. (Aren't we sometimes that person?) And sizing up our abilities compared to others, seeking flaws in each other like heat-seeking missiles. As if finding a flaw in another performer will make us feel better about ourselves.
 
Instead, what if we start with the assumption that we are each doing the best we can? How does that shift the tone and perception of yourself and others? Shifting our focus from ‘perfect’ as the goal, and instead focusing on the big picture, on making music, on fulfilling our part to the very best of our abilities. And when we make mistakes, remind ourselves that we are indeed doing the very best we can.
 
Lest you worry that taking this approach will turn you into a lazy slob, let me assure you there is plenty of research these days showing that self-compassionate people are actually more motivated and have higher standards.
 
For me, participating in a musical project with this shifted paradigm leads to a much more enjoyable experience. The musical that I mentioned earlier had some real problems with it. Changing my focus to doing my job to my best ability, to make my part the best it could be, and the most enjoyable and musical, made every night a whole lot better than when I spent the evening criticizing everyone.
 
The title of this newsletter is "are you doing your best?". After reading through some of these thoughts, what is your answer? Did anything change for you in thinking about this question?
 

What I've learned from the Musician's Mastermind

I started the Musician’s Mastermind last fall as an answer to some of my personal struggles as a freelance musician. I desired accountability for my personal projects, I really wanted someone to brainstorm with on a regular basis, and I wished for the community that one gets in many workplaces. I also have been drawn to inner growth/self help for a long time, so what started out as an accountability group became an experiment in sharing some inner work tools. Now that I am embarking on my second year of leading the Masterminds, I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned, what is most useful, and what needs to fall by the wayside. Over three rounds of the Mastermind I have learned:

1. You are not alone. Whatever your struggles may be in the music world, chances are you know several other people, probably many others who are struggling with the same things. We know this in our heads, but it is so affirming to be in a group of supportive musicians and get the immediate feedback that, yep, we've all had the same self-doubt, indecision, financial struggles, etc. And celebrating successes is that much more sweet with a community of support!
2. Accountability helps. I heard over and over that simply having an email with a reminder of goals kept participants on track towards their goals and projects.
3. Get specific. When making permanent changes, take one small step at a time and get specific. It’s not enough to say I’m hoping to increase my practice time this week. Instead, look at your calendar and plan out when it is going to happen. Then tell someone about it and check in with them on your progress.
4. Doing the work can feel messy, tiring, exciting, right, scary. Any and all of the above. In fact, there is a kind of scary/excitement that can go along with doing work that is most meaningful to you. Scary because you care about it so much. And exciting because you care about it so much!
5. I have to take my own medicine. They say you teach what you need to know. Enough said.
6. There are very few ‘right’ answers. A corollary: there are very few ‘right’ paths in the music world. Many of us have received the message that some career paths are better than others (full time orchestra job, singing leading roles in A houses, teaching at a university), yet are these jobs that would make you happy?
7. What feels like paralysis and inaction might be useful. Maybe you are in a transition. During this time you might try on several different projects or jobs and see what fits. Or you may need space and time to mull options. Perhaps you are actually ‘marinating’ instead of being stuck.
8. On the other hand, don’t let perfection get in the way of taking the next step. Sometimes we think we need to have everything ready to go before we launch our next project. "Before opening a teaching studio, I must have a website. Before I can get a website I need new headshots. Before I can get new headshots I need to lose 20 pounds." What? You need to lose 20 pounds before starting to teach some lessons? Instead, what is the next simple step you can take towards your goal?
9. Sometimes risks involve failure. We all know this, but it’s scary to dive in when we know that failure is a real possibility. Brene Brown, a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living, says that “If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability. When we commit to showing up and risking falling, we are actually committing to falling. Daring is not saying ‘I’m willing to risk failure.’ Daring is saying ‘I know I will eventually fail and I’m still all in.’ Fortune may favor the bold, but so does failure."

The cool thing is that you can apply many of these lessons on your own, for free. Find an accountability partner, and get specific with your goals. Have regular check-ins with your partner and keep each other motivated. Or check out the Musician's Mastermindto see if it would be a good fit for you! Starts Monday, September 28th!