Be Your Own Teacher: Part 1

Be Your Own Teacher: Part 1

Since the next round of the Musician's Mastermind is starting on September 28th, I want to be upfront that this newsletter is an example of the work that takes place in the Musician’s Mastermind. If these topics particularly appeal to you, then know that we will go even deeper into these issues in person in the Mastermind.

Onward to the topic at hand: Be Your Own Teacher

As musicians, we have been trained from a young age to rely on teachers and coaches for expert advice. But what if you could limit your need for outside experts and turn to your own inner guidance more often? In this 2 part newsletter, I’ll give you some ideas on becoming your own teacher. Today, in part 1, I’ll discuss the voices in our heads, how to discern who is doing the talking, and which voices should guide our actions. 

We all have many voices in our heads, competing for attention and often in conflict with one another. Don’t believe me? Do you ever find yourself arguing – with yourself? Debating decisions? Over-analyzing the situation? Trying to convince yourself that the audition wasn’t so bad, or wasn’t good enough, or all the other auditioners were much better than you, or….

For today's purposes, I'm lumping the voices into two broad categories – a voice of Criticism and Negativity, and a voice of positive Strength and Support.

The negative voice is the Inner Critic. It shows up in different ways for different people. It might call you nasty names or swear at you. Or it might give you a general sense of anxiety and unease. Or maybe it repeats a negative refrain over and over. Sometimes the Inner Critic sounds like our mother/father/mean undergrad teacher/crazy coach.

The Inner Critic is all about judgement. Right/wrong (a whole lotta wrong), good/bad (a whole lotta bad) dichotomous kinds of thinking. All or nothing with no gray areas, no appreciation for learning from mistakes, growth, improvement, in between, or having both positives and negatives.

The Inner Critic has a lot of ‘shoulds’. You should pursue this audition because it’s what all the good singers are doing. You should study with this teacher because your friend who won the competition studies with them. You should take this job even though your instincts tell you its not the right fit.

We all have some sort of voice like this, because its goal is to keep us safe from harm. Harm might be getting kicked out of the tribe (which, back in cave dweller days would have meant death). Or harm might be getting criticized in an audition. Or maybe there is a legit threat to your physical safety. Or getting rejected in the romance department. You get the idea. There are innumerable possibilities that cause us to feel nervous, insecure, threatened, and they all can trigger the Inner Critic.

With safety as the Inner Critic’s number one goal, it does not care one iota about your career or personal goals. That’s where arguing and conflict often come in. Other parts of our selves have dreams and goals, but the Inner Critic is a fierce and loud voice that can run rampant until dealt with properly.

How does one properly deal with the Inner Critic?

I’m so glad you asked, as I happen to have a great strategy!

Make friends with your Inner Critic. 

That’s right, actually making friends with the Critic is a key to stopping the shouting, the arguing, the name calling.

We all have a need to be heard and understood. We have valid points to share, we have input to offer, we have feelings that need airing. Since the Inner Critic has a very important job of keeping us safe, what it needs to settle down is to be heard and understood.

This does not mean you do what the Inner Critic wants – which would lead to a very safe, very boring, unfulfilled life. Instead, listen, address its concerns, and then move forward with the wise voice that we will talk about next.

Your Best Self lives quietly beneath the shouting of the Inner Critic. Your Best Self leads you down paths that feel right and authentic to you, even if they are challenging or scary or vulnerable. Sometimes, those feelings of vulnerability and scary/excitement are a sign that you are listening to the right voice.

Your Best Self is aligned with your dreams, not because they will bring you attention or acclaim or more money, but because they feed you in meaningful ways and help you lead a fulfilling life. Sometimes that will coincide with attention and acclaim and money, sometimes not.

Your Best Self is not about judgement, good/bad, right/wrong. It is about deep satisfaction and coming alive. It knows the things that make you feel your best, but it is not attached to your choices and there are no judgements on your choices. Sounds pretty zen, doesn’t it?

Your Best Self does not follow the ‘shoulds’ of your career, your family, or anyone. There are no ‘shoulds’ in the realm of your Best Self. Sometimes the Inner Critic masquerades as the Best Self when we start ‘shoulding’ about not acting as our Best Self. “My Best Self would be practicing right now. My Best Self wouldn’t have eaten that brownie. My Best Self should be a better person.”

Your Best Self knows that ‘failure’ is experience from which one can learn. Yes, there will be grieving, or licking of wounds, or feeling sad when you’ve fallen. But there is also opportunity for growth, for learning, for improvement.

Your Best Self often knows the answers to decisions, has the musical interpretations that are unique to you, and even might be able to solve some technical problems.

Apply these steps to any practice session, audition, performance, or decision about your career to deal with the Inner Critic and become your own best teacher.

Step 1: Identify which voice is speaking. Get specific with what the voice is saying. Maybe write down the statements or feelings. Or say the statements/feelings out loud. Are the statements in good/bad terminology? Is there judgement? Is there blame? Then you’re dealing with the Inner Critic.

2: Make friends with the Critic. Listen to what it has to say. Give it space to breathe, room to speak. Have a conversation. Take into account its concerns because sometimes it actually has useful advice (like get thee to the practice room pronto!).

3. Quiet down to hear your Best Self. Maybe through a long walk, or journaling, or meditating, or talking to a trusted friend. Be intentional to connect with your Best Self. Write down what comes up for you. (More next week on listening to your recordings from the ear of the Best Self.)

4. Look internally for a feeling of deep resonance and rightness. If this seems like a foreign concept, find something about which you know to be true for yourself. For example, what music do you absolutely love to play or listen to? What music are youdrawn to? How does that feel internally? Where do you know that you love this music? Can you find this feeling of truth and trust in other areas of your life? What if you leaned in and trusted those feelings?

5. Develop the relationship with your Best Self by making decisions that follow the advice of your Best Self. Begin by picking something that feels easy to you. For example, how might you shape this phrase better? Does your Best Self know how to technically deal with this one problem spot? Does your Best Self have input about which auditions to take this season? Again, pick something that feels easy (it doesn’t have to be music related), lean into it, and develop that feeling of trust and connection. Go back to that feeling again and again and see how it might branch out into other areas of your life.

Let me know how these steps work for you, and shoot me an email if you have any questions. 

Remember, if this information appeals to you, we will dive deeper in the Musician's Mastermind, starting September 28th. Dealing with the Inner Critic and cultivating your Best Self is a lifetime process. Get in-person support for your own journey through theMastermind!
 

Transition

I have been in transition for the last year. It started with pregnancy and the knowledge that my life was about to change radically. Even though the pregnancy and the baby were something both my husband and I really wanted, I had mixed feelings about it: through-the-roof excitement combined with fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety came from knowing that an ending was about to take place – the end of Marta as a non-parent, as a solo entity that can take on all the work I want and can handle. I feared losing my work identity and becoming swallowed up by motherhood.

Fast forward to this summer, baby Loki Lettofsky was born on June 15th. My life indeed changed radically overnight. I was pleased to discover that amidst all the changes, I had a desire to reconnect with work (like prepping for the next session of the Musician's Mastermind!). Instead of my desire for work completely ending, there was room for it, and room for mothering, and the task now is to figure out the new balance and this new me.

I’ve been reading the classic self-help book Transitions by William Bridges and in it Bridges describes how each transition is made up of these three parts: 1. Ending; 2. Neutral zone; 3. Beginning. Transition is different from change, in that it is an internal shifting, whereas change is external. External change can be the springboard for transition, or internal transitions can lead to external change. 

The Ending and Beginning are rather self-explanatory, but the Neutral Zone benefits from a little elaboration. The Neutral Zone is that murky area after the Ending, or overlapping with the Ending, where space and time is needed to discover the new Beginning. And it might overlap with the Beginning too. The Neutral Zone can be quite uncomfortable, but rushing the Beginning might shortchange the inner work that is needed in a transition. Giving space and room to the Neutral Zone will allow the Beginning to emerge on its own.

As I’ve muddled through the Neutral Zone and wondered how my new beginning would emerge, I’ve found a couple of questions to be very helpful and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I ask myself this several times a day:

“What do I need right now? What is one small step I can take to get there?”
 

What I always want is to feel better, to feel more balanced, to feel more grounded, to feel less crazy. Since those are long term goals and harder to achieve in a moment, I am seeking a concrete step to get me on the way to feeling better, more grounded, etc. The answers to “what do I need right now” range from connecting with a friend, crying to my husband, eating chocolate, taking a shower, taking a nap, etc.

The second question I ask myself is:

“What am I willing to notice right now?”
 

There is a lot of down time built into new motherhood – all the nursing! So at least once a day, sometimes more, I use that time to ask myself what I am willing to notice. Not change, not fix, not make it go away, but simply notice. I usually notice tension in my face and neck and shoulders. The cool thing is that simply observing, noticing and allowing it to be there often has the consequence of the tension softening and releasing. The more I can observe and get deep with the observation, the better. I try to find the root of the feeling and sometimes describe it in as much detail as possible. An example of one of my internal dialogues:

“The tension is in my tongue, I’m sucking it to the roof of my mouth. The tension radiates into my jaw and face. My tongue feels inflexible and like a rock. It feels stuck to my mouth. Where does this come from? Where does the tension start? The root of the tension seems to be at the root of my tongue. Oh, I just noticed a release and letting go of the tongue muscle. Oh, I noticed there can be more space in my mouth. Ah, that feels nicer.”

Deep breath!

I’ve been reflecting on how the lives of freelance musicians are constantly changing, from one gig to the next. Change is not the same as transition, but it can go hand-in-hand with transition. Transition is an internal state, an internal shift, of the three stages: an ending, a neutral zone, and a beginning. Freelancers often go through these steps externally – one show ends, followed by a break and down time, and then the next show starts. Using that “neutral zone” between gigs to make sure you really take care of yourself could decrease the stress that goes with the unstable life of freelancing and gigging. Asking yourself “What do I need right now?” is a great way to get beneath our knee-jerk reactions of eating our emotions or mindlessly surfing facebook for hours.

The second question, “what am I willing to notice right now?” can be applied to working on music. Musicians are so good at problem solving, and constantly judging our work that taking a step back and creating a little space for non-judgement is healthy. It takes the pressure off the intensity of learning music, and often we learn faster because of the release of pressure. The key here is to notice without judging or desiring change. Just observe. Find the root of the problem, only for observation purposes, not for judgement and criticism of ourselves. Get as specific as you can. See what happens if you let go of the desire to judge, criticize, fix for a portion of your practice session. I’ve found it makes practicing much more enjoyable!

Let me know if these questions resonate with you and how you apply them. I’d love to hear from you! Especially as I’m sitting on the couch nursing for the twentieth time today, it’s a welcome break to hear from friends and colleagues!

PS – Have you heard about the Musician’s Mastermind? The Mastermind is a group for digging into inner obstacles, Inner Artist coaching, and loving accountability. The next session starts on Sept 28th. Click here if you are interested in learning more.

PPS – I'll be performing with the lovely Christine Steyer this coming Friday (Sept 4th) at 4th Presbyterian Church, 12:10 pm. We're doing some old favorites as well as a set by David Shenton that I simply adore.