Playing safe is risky business

The impossible goal of being PERFECT keeps showing up in my life. I remember years ago a colleague of mine saying to me something about being a perfectionist and I thought, 'really? I'm so very far from perfect, how can he see me as a perfectionist?' That stayed with me because it made me realize that my goal of appearing perfect was coming across as something different - hard on myself, unforgiving, driven, upset by mistakes. My secret desire to appear perfect was backfiring!

This topic is a thread that reappears in my life as it slowly unwinds. It is on my mind again while I am participating in a 30 day video challenge. 

It's challenging for me to go with the first take, as is recommended, and to know I could spend ten more minutes to get better lighting, to put on a little makeup, to brush my hair, to think through my words, to follow directions as much as possible.

But life is such that those extra ten minutes mean I might not get the video done today - my toddler might wake from his nap. Those ten minutes mean I might not get to respond to emails today. So I sacrifice my best effort in service of a bigger goal - staying with the project in all my flaws and imperfection.

This all relates to politics too. My Perfectionist part wants me to do everything possible every day to help my causes. The stakes feel high. But juggling being perfect in Activism, as well as motherhood, as well as work....well, it's impossible. 

This thread of believing that perfection, or appearing perfect, is actually attainable, has negatively affected my playing and performing. It is a current of fear that has restrained me and boxed me in, musically and creatively. If perfection is the goal, avoiding mistakes are higher priority than making art, than connecting with my collaborators, than being in flow. 

Perfectionism has a good/bad duality, right/wrong. Of course, wrong notes are wrong. But are wrong notes worse than being boring and uninspired? Closed off and locked down?

The fear of truly being seen, in our honesty and authenticity, is scary and vulnerable. Perfectionism is fake protection. No one can be perfect. Very few performances would live up to a standard of perfect. What is perfect anyways? Perfect technique? Perfectly happy audience? Perfect notes? 

Being a classical musician, striving for high standards, is a double edged sword. It can push us to be our best, to continue seeking better and better technique for the service of more ease and excitement in performance. It can be the motivating force to choose tough teachers and coaches and summer programs and conductors.

But, like for me, it can be a box that ends up cutting you off from your humanity and the kernel of inspiration and electricity. The question of whether high standards are helping, or hurting, or both, and in which ways, might prove useful to you.

Even if you know that your striving for perfectionism hurts you, it's a hard path to unwind. It's one thing to know it's hampering you, it's another to stop that pattern. Here's one way you might start:

• Think of a time when you felt like high standards hemmed you in some way. What did it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body?
• Is there a voice that goes along with this? A repeated mantra, a refrain of not-good-enough? 
• Get to know this part of you. What does it want? What is it's intention? Can you find a positive intention in its driving force? Can you
• Let this perfection part know you hear and see the intention that drives it and drives you.
• Be patient. The work of transformation is slow. Be kind to yourself and this part that so desperately wants perfection. 

In an effort to live out my efforts for more humanity and less perfection, I'm writing this newsletter in one morning and sending it out the same day. Does all that extra fluffing around with adjectives and commas actually make my writing better? I have no idea. But I'm giving it a try to wing it, to go with my instinct, to go for connection rather than perfection. Maybe it will annoy you to see more mistakes in my writing. Maybe you won't notice. Maybe this isn't any different than how I perceive it on the inside. It's all an experiment anyways, right? 

Thanks for reading, and cheers to you being your true and imperfect self!
Marta

How do you react to feedback?

My last newsletter resonated with many of you, about judgment and perfectionism. I love how one reader said it “struck a rather dissonant chord”. I thought I’d write a bit more about perfectionism for those who related to this topic.

Perfectionism is similar to the Inner Critic, in that it often turns into all or nothing – either I passed, succeeded with no noticeable mistakes, or I failed because my mistakes were noticeable. The thing is, we are never perfect. We just aren’t. We’re human, and part of being human is making mistakes.
I’m including Brene Brown’s quote on perfectionism again because I think it’s so good and worth rereading:

"Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."
http://brenebrown.com/2009/03/18/2009318perfectionism-and-claiming-shame-html/

I think musicians have some unique circumstances that can contribute to the perfectionist mindset. We are trained from a young age, through weekly lessons and constant feedback, that we have flaws and imperfections, and that someone else knows better than us. Plus, many are auditioning on a regular basis, being judged by those with the power to hire and fire.

Some people thrive on this feedback though, and see it as a challenge to grow and become better. Why is that? And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism (everyone writing this newsletter does!), how can we become more like them?

Carol Dweck has studied this very topic for 25 years, and she has identified two different mindsets in learning. One is the Fixed Mindset – seeking to be perfect, to be perceived as perfect, and a correlating belief that our intelligence, personality, and talents are all fixed. The other is the Growth Mindset. In this mindset, people believe that they can improve and change their intelligence and abilities, and one never knows how much can be accomplished or achieved through effort and struggle.

Some people are predominantly in one mindset or the other. But many of us go in and out of the two different mindsets depending upon circumstances. The cool thing is that we can all cultivate the Growth Mindset.

For me, I used to believe that intelligence was fixed and our abilities had limits. I grew up with an older sister who also played piano and she won competitions. When it was my turn to enter the same competitions, I never did as well. In my mind this led to an equation – someone else was better than me (always my sister, and often other entrants in the competitions) and that meant I was never good enough. In the Fixed Mindset, if you aren’t the top, then you are a failure. And every challenge or competition is an opportunity to prove that point again and again. Even worse, these challenges make the failure available for public viewing.

In the Growth Mindset, one might view these circumstances differently. I could take my experiences in the competitions and find things to learn from it. I can also question my goals. Are my goals to win the competition, or learn to play the piano in the most satisfying and enjoyable way I know how? Am I looking for internal validation or external approval?

A major key (perhaps G major?) for the Growth Mindset is to get curious. Does the situation, feedback, etc, match up with your expectations and your internal experience? What can you learn from the situation? Is there useful information?

Summary of the Fixed Mindset: JUDGMENT
Summary of the Growth Mindset: Get Curious!

Here are some examples.

Situation: Receiving harsh audition feedback.

Fixed Mindset: It’s not my fault. I had a bad morning, my throat didn’t cooperate, my fingers were cold, I ate the wrong breakfast, the traffic was bad, the accompanist screwed up.

Growth Mindset: Get curious! Did the comments match up with my experience of the situation? Sift through the comments. Which ones can I address? What can I do about these weak spots?
 

Situation: Not being rehired for the yearly Christmas gig.

Fixed Mindset: They don’t like me. I’m not good enough, young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, never enough.

Growth Mindset: I wonder what happened? Perhaps I can call my contact person and find out. I can gather more information before making assumptions.
 

Situation: Overhearing negative comments from colleagues.

Fixed Mindset: I should show them! I’m much better than them! They can’t even [fill in the blank]!

Growth Mindset: Ouch, that hurts, coming from a colleague! Yep, that stings. But I know I’m solid with my skills. I wonder why they are feeling so nasty today?
 

Situation: Teacher/coach/friend tells you that you should set appropriateexpectations. Or comes right out and says you’ll never [xyz].

Fixed Mindset: They’re probably right. They know better than me. I’m not good enough. I'm going to stop trying. 

Growth Mindset: This is a goal I really, really want, and I will do anything it takes to get there. I’m going to start by making specific plans in my practice for this week and this technical goal. I’m willing to pursue this goal, because I know I’ll learn so much just by giving it my all. Who knows where that will lead me?

What about you? What situations trigger the fixed mindset for you? How can you change that into the Growth Mindset? Keep it simple, one step at a time. Let me know if you have questions or would like help in figuring out how to apply this to your particular situation!