How nap insomnia is like performance anxiety

Have you ever struggled with insomnia? It’s terrible. I had a recent bout of nap insomnia – which may not sound that bad. But sleep has been rough with our one year old and so I've been desperate to catch up on sleep whenever I have a spare moment.

I would carve out a time in my schedule – sacred nap time for both me and Loki. I’d lay down, so tired, ready to sleep.

And then my brain would spin.

And spin.

And I’d feel a fight happening in my body.

One part absolutely dying for this nap, counting the passing minutes, knowing that I was squandering my available sleep window.

Another part of me hating this plan. This part wanted me up and working. Writing blog posts. Practicing music. Updating my website. Washing dishes. Prepping dinner. Doing yoga.

I mean, the list of possible actions instead of napping are endless.

My napper just couldn’t compete with the part of me that wanted to get sh*t done.

It was an inner war and it never ended well for either side.

This kind of inner battle is similar to what many people experience in performance anxiety.

There is one part of you that really wants to perform. You love the music! You love the show! You love the people! You love the limelight! You love success!

Then there is the other part of you…
…that is afraid of failure. Afraid of making a mistake. Afraid of being discovered as a fraud. Not trusting your memory. Not trusting your technique. Afraid of [fill in the blank....].

It’s a challenging place to be, because you are experiencing strong conflicting desires.

This is normal and human. We all experience conflicting desires in one way or another. Performance anxiety just happens to be a very dramatic conflict.

Alas, there are no quick tricks to solving inner battles, or to solving performance anxiety. Wouldn't it be nice if this one blog post could resolve these anxieties for you, once and for all? That we could all wave our magic wands and make the uncomfortable feelings disappear? I so wish this!

But what can help is to recognize that the performance anxiety is only a Part of you, not all of you. Studies show that creating a little space around our feelings, not fully identifying with them, helps us gain perspective and to heal those big emotions. Calling these emotions or desires "Parts" often helps with the separation."Part of me can't wait to be onstage! Another Part of me is so worried about remembering my lines. Yet another Part of me is so tired and just wants to take a nap."

Identifying what or who those parts are is another way to create a little space and separation. "My Tired Part wants to avoid all the stress, I'm pulled in too many directions and can't focus. My Fearful Part remembers the time that I did forget my lines, it was terrible. My Artist Part loves the synergy and rush of adrenaline and being in flow."

Doing a little journaling and getting curious about these conflicting desires will go even farther. More on that step in the next blog post.

Until then, the next time you sense a big inner battle, take a breath, and see if you can isolate the different voices or desires that are in conflict and know that you are taking a step towards healing some of the internal conflict that is part of being human.

Ripple effects

A recent event triggered some shame in me. It was annoying. Bad feeling. Disrupting. Painful. Old. And I was dismayed to find that I went to patterns I thought I had retired - of feeling disembodied, which then caused me to have a terrible time practicing at the piano.

We all have shame. It is a condition of being human.

Brene Brown defines shame as believing I am bad, as opposed to guilt, which is I did something bad.

Even though this particular event had nothing to do with music, when I sat at the piano, I felt hurried, distracted, anxious, frustrated that nothing felt or sounded good. I turned tighter and tighter as I tried harder and harder to force things back on track.

The next morning my husband took my one year old for a walk and I had some time to myself. I poured out all my frustration about the shame trigger into my journal. Lots of swear words, lots of scribbling, lots of chaos.

And then I sat back down at the piano. Ahhh, better. Space to breathe, space to move, space to make mistakes. Not perfect, not totally resolved, but better.

Then I repeated the process the next day. And the next day. And probably will again in the near future.

My contention is this – doing the Inner Work helps us do our Artist Work better. Things in our life ripple into our artistry. Our artistry ripples out into our lives. Listening to the concerns of the various voices in our heads, giving air and space to the bad feelings, gives us more room to show up with our best self to our art.

I know this is contrary to much advice out there - think positive, choose better thoughts, just take action. As if we could simply control our thinking and then our life would be all better. Heck, I've even given similar advice on this blog in the past! 

But just like trying to ignore a crying child, ignoring the distasteful voices in our head doesn't make them disappear. Just like a needy child, what those voices need is some love and attention. After love and attention, then they can settle back down. Allowing better parts of you to step forward and take action where action is needed. 

Give it a try. Here are some journaling prompts (or you can talk to yourself, or to your recorder on your phone, or to a person, or just mull these questions):

Today I feel really frustrated about……
Lately, I’ve been feeling like this in my body……
My inner voices have arguments about…..
What I'm concerned about at this moment is.....
One small, simple, actionable step I can take to address these concerns is.....

See how you feel after getting in touch with the reality of your emotions. When you listen to what's really going on in your head and body, how do you feel? Does it make work, or creative efforts, or practicing, easier? Or perhaps harder? 

With love and appreciation for reading, 
Marta