Feeling the vibe of school season

It's back to school season.

My mom mentioned the other day that right around this time of year she starts to have regular dreams about going back to school. Anxiety dreams that she doesn’t know her schedule. Or she missed some classes. Or she’s in the wrong classes.

Even after being done with school for 45 years, her subconscious still recognizes this time of transition as a pattern in her life and has some things to say.

Are you sensing that back-to-school shift? Perhaps thinking about getting serious again after a fun summer. Or planning some classes or coachings or finding a new teacher. Or applying for auditions – that of course, is its own serious season.

Or maybe you are returning to school. And wow, doesn’t that stir up a lot of feelings? Anticipating all the hard work, lack of freedom, less sleep, nose-to-the-grindstone focus, push to grow in a semester sprint. And whether you are starting at a new school, or returning to your old one, butterflies, anxiety, or dread might be infiltrating you as you prepare to transition. Oof.

Maybe you're in the season of life where you are sending your kids off to school. That change has an impact too - more freedom at home during the day, but all the busyness with extracurriculars. And dealing with the emotions of your kids as they work through the transition.

I’m contemplating some classes too. I’ve been wanting to take a drawing class for a while. My workaholic parts couldn’t make room for it before baby. Then new mama life was a big hang up. Now I’m ready, but faced with indecision.

I’m trying to make decisions from my gut these days, with bonus information from my head. Rather than the other way around, of listening only to my head and not trusting my gut.

It’s messy and slow and sometimes it’s a way to avoid committing to any decision.

The choices I’m contemplating involve an in-person class versus an online class. The in-person class has the added value of being with other people. Potential connections and bonding. On the other hand, I’m an introvert and love my solitude.

Of course, being on location means I have better follow through. Go-at-your-own pace with an online class sometimes means there is no pace.

And teacher feedback - in-person class will give feedback. Maybe great for learning, but what if I don't like the feedback style? Or if I don't connect with the teacher personality. I'm picky about teacher/mentor/healer personalities these days! The online class gives no feedback. Less direct learning, but less risk of annoyance. 

Hey, this was so helpful to write down my list of decision criteria that have been rumbling in my brain for a while now. Why didn't I think to do this before, even with something as simple as this choice? Writing down all the factors clarified that the info from my head that supports my gut decision.

It’s something you can do too when you make decisions. The old fashioned pro/con list. The difference here is that with each item I wrote down, I also was listening and feeling into my gut. Maybe you already do this. This is newer to me, and I like the results, even though sometimes the process feels much more messy.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m going/I’ve enrolled in Sketchbook Skool with their on demand class How To Draw Without Talent and I plan to take the Beginners course next.

With gratitude for reading,
Marta

PS - if this article spoke to you, you might also appreciate this one that is all about Transitions.

A year older and it's time for change.

On the wall of my music room is the Holstee Manifesto. It starts like this:

This is Your Life.
Do what you love and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.

I've been fortunate to do something I love for the last dozen years - making music for my living. But over the last several years there has been a slow internal shift. And this fall I made it official:

I’m changing careers.

I'm letting go of gigging and performing, and focusing solely on Inner Artist Coaching (with a little vocal coaching mixed in).
 

What is Inner Artist Coaching? 

You know how being an artist, a performer, a creative type person can be hard? There are many external obstacles in the world – irregular work and finances; auditions + rejections + more auditions + more rejections; freelancing and trying to find time for passion projects. I mean, the list could go on and on, right?

And then there are the inner battles we all experience in one way or another – self doubt; performance anxiety; fear of success; fear of failure; procrastination – writers block, composers block, painters block. Basically getting in our own way!

As I’ve written about, I tried many tools to overcome my performance anxieties. The one that has worked the best, has transformed my life, and that I’m now in a year long training for, is Internal Family Systems therapy/coaching.

The long and short of this approach is believing that the discomfort, pain, fear that we experience is there for a reason. It is in getting to know these emotions more deeply that they can transform into more helpful emotions or qualities, or just step out of the way when the job needs to get done.
 

How does Inner Artist coaching apply to being a performer or artist? 

A core belief of Internal Family Systems is that we already have many of the internal resources we need. Deep inside, we know how to perform, how to create, how to write, how to have resilience, how to handle criticism. Confidence, calm, and capability is hardwired into our system, just as fear as a survival technique is hardwired into us. 

Fear is no small obstacle. It is present to keep us safe and alive. The strength of this fear can derail us from many of our life's goals and passions. 

It is in getting to know the deep concerns of fear and discomfort that we actually uncover the confidence and calm and capabilities that we already have. 

I’m doing it right now. Every time I sit down to write, I have conflicting feelings. I have the desire to get words and emotions onto my screen, out into the world, to be seen and read and heard and valued. At the same time, I get a tightness in my chest, a turn in my belly, distracted and racing mind – fear.

I sit with the duality of desires – one to do the work and the other to run away. And in fact, when I stop and listen to the tightness in my chest and the turn in my belly, I become more deeply connected to who I am, and write from the center of me, rather than the wordiness of my head. And the tightness transforms into something else, something useful, something connected, something energized.

So that’s what we do in Inner Artist coaching. Get to know the parts of you who come up around your art. Get to know their concerns. Welcome them. Treat them with kindness and build relationships with them. We apply this process to your art making. Make some music and see what parts come up. Write something and see about the concerns. Create something and see where energy and creativity go astray.

It is through this process that transformation happens. Art becomes easier. Performing becomes more fun. Practicing, writing, editing, composing becomes more enjoyable. Flow happens.

Closet Cleaning

I recently had tea with a friend and we were talking about how good it feels to get rid of clothes that don’t fit. You know those ones you’ve been holding on to, in hopes that you’ll lose that extra weight, or that you’ll shift the mama belly somewhere else. Or clothes that you can fit in but are uncomfortable. You spend all day pulling them up or down or sideways, thinking “at least I look good,” but in reality you are just creating discomfort and tension in your body.

Letting go of those clothes can be so freeing. Sticking only with clothes that spark joy can be even better. 

My friend said, “What is the music analogy here?”

Brilliant!

The analogy is all the music you are supposed to learn because someone told you it would suit you. Or trying to squeeze yourself, manipulate, and push/pull yourself into a fache. Or taking orchestra auditions because that is the path you see others taking. Same thing for young artist programs. Or learning everything you can about the auditioners, trying to shape and push and pull yourself into fitting their ideals.

It might be the voice of a wise teacher or coach, who steers you in the right direction so many times, but you know what? They’re human too, and give imperfect advice. Or they are trying to live vicariously through you. Or want your success to be in a certain way so that it boosts their feelings of worth and value.

So, what are the wrong size clothes of the performing and creative world that you are trying to make fit, but simply feel wrong for you? What are you trying to squeeze your way into? What kind of mental closet cleaning can you do to let go of some of these expectations that hamper you from being you?

Easier said than done, right? 

First step - identify what doesn't fit. When making decisions about work choices notice what sits well and easily in your body, or gets you excited, even if it is excited-scared. Notice what creates feelings of heaviness and dread. What are you doing out of obligation?

The next step of letting go of other's expectations? Well, that is life work, in my opinion. Not something one decides to do and it is done. Give yourself some compassion on this front.

It's one thing to know some of these things in your head. But it's another thing to internalize and feel it deep in your bones. Shifting to deep inner knowledge takes time and sometimes it might even cause some grief, or anger, or anxiety. "Why did we spend all those years following the advice of others? Why didn't I listen to what ignites my excitement? Why did I waste my time doing x, y, and z? Is it too late? I don't want to start over!" 

So once you recognize some expectations you want to let go of, the next step is giving yourself permission to express the secondary emotions that follow. 

Let me know how your mental closet cleaning is coming along. I'd love to hear from you and your experiences of letting go of other's expectations!

Reflections on the New Year

I don’t know about you, but my email inbox has been inundated with emails about setting resolutions for the New Year. I subscribe to a fair number of inner growth type blogs, and the New Year is prime territory for such work. I love the support and the ideas that all of these blogs present, but sometimes all this emphasis on "making 2016 your best year yet" can feel overwhelming and like too much pressure. And here I am, adding to the chatter.

I find that too much of New Year resolution setting comes from a place of not good enough. "If only I can fix my body weight, practice routine, eating habits, technology addiction, then life will be good."

What if, instead, there is space to notice how you are succeeding, what is working, and at the same time, notice what would truly make you happier or more satisfied or more in alignment with your values? 

Gradually over the last couple of years, I’ve shifted from resolutions stemming from not good enough to looking at the marking of the New Year as an opportunity forreflection. Rather than assessing all the ways I am not good enough, I now think about things like, is my daily life connecting with the values I hold deepest? What would feel good to shape and shift so that I connect deeper to my values? What worked well in the last year that I want to continue this year?

I hope I’m not adding to your plethora of emails about New Year’s resolutions/reflections, but I will risk it by offering a few steps that have helped me, andan offer to help you personally.

1. Be Specific
What area of your life might benefit from some reflection and change? Now, how will you make that change happen? I know this question seems basic and boring, but really, without the specifics, the change is unlikely to happen.
 
Want to practice more? Plan out the time and write it in your calendar.

Do you wish for more gigs? This kind of change requires more digging. What kind of gigs? What is holding you back from finding these jobs? What steps might you take to find more of the work you desire? Write down all the steps you can think of to get more work, and then put them in order. Then tackle only one step at a time.
 
Are there qualities you wish to cultivate? Pick one or two and write the words or phrases any place you might see it – post it notes in your bathroom, by the kitchen sink, a screensaver on your computer, a daily timer on your phone, or even use these qualities as passwords.

Seriously, get as specific as you can. This is one thing we do in the Musician's Mastermind that really helps people follow through on their goals. 
 
2. Make it Simple
Aim for one change at a time.
 
Really.
 
Change is more likely to stick and become habit if you intentionally foster one specific goal at a time. We have limited willpower available to us on a daily basis, and trying to change too many things at once risks overextending our willpower supplies.
 
3. Get Support
Tell someone about your one specific goal/intention/change that you have in mind. Check in with this person or people on this intention. Knowing that someone else is aware of your intention will help keep you motivated, will help keep the goal on your mind, and offer up opportunities for reflection if and when things aren’t going as you hoped.
 
My offer to you is a gift of support. Write me and tell me about your new intention and I will offer some feedback and reflection via email, helping you get specific. Then I will send two follow up emails, in two weeks and in a month, to see how you are doing with your intentions.
 
As for me and my reflections this past year, I’m aiming for increasing certain qualities in my life. I used Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map this fall and came up with three words about how I want to feel on a regular basis.
 
Juicy – I want my inner life to be deep. I want my interactions with people I care about to be full of substance, connection, and fun.
 
Spacious – I continue to discover that my emotional life is vast and takes up a lot of room. I give myself permission to fully feel big (and juicy) emotions on a daily basis, and permission to feel emotions that run the gamut from joy to anger and everything in between. I also want to give the people I work with the same gift, space to do their best work, space to cultivate their inner tools. Sometimes that involves struggle and space to do things differently than me.
 
Attuned – Knowing and meeting my own needs helps me meet the needs of others. Meeting people’s needs feels good to me. Meeting my needs first helps me do that better. 
 
Specifically, I connect to each of these words in the morning, as I think about my day. I’m also telling all of you about these qualities, so now it is public, can’t take it back, can only learn from it and move forward.

Transition

I have been in transition for the last year. It started with pregnancy and the knowledge that my life was about to change radically. Even though the pregnancy and the baby were something both my husband and I really wanted, I had mixed feelings about it: through-the-roof excitement combined with fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety came from knowing that an ending was about to take place – the end of Marta as a non-parent, as a solo entity that can take on all the work I want and can handle. I feared losing my work identity and becoming swallowed up by motherhood.

Fast forward to this summer, baby Loki Lettofsky was born on June 15th. My life indeed changed radically overnight. I was pleased to discover that amidst all the changes, I had a desire to reconnect with work (like prepping for the next session of the Musician's Mastermind!). Instead of my desire for work completely ending, there was room for it, and room for mothering, and the task now is to figure out the new balance and this new me.

I’ve been reading the classic self-help book Transitions by William Bridges and in it Bridges describes how each transition is made up of these three parts: 1. Ending; 2. Neutral zone; 3. Beginning. Transition is different from change, in that it is an internal shifting, whereas change is external. External change can be the springboard for transition, or internal transitions can lead to external change. 

The Ending and Beginning are rather self-explanatory, but the Neutral Zone benefits from a little elaboration. The Neutral Zone is that murky area after the Ending, or overlapping with the Ending, where space and time is needed to discover the new Beginning. And it might overlap with the Beginning too. The Neutral Zone can be quite uncomfortable, but rushing the Beginning might shortchange the inner work that is needed in a transition. Giving space and room to the Neutral Zone will allow the Beginning to emerge on its own.

As I’ve muddled through the Neutral Zone and wondered how my new beginning would emerge, I’ve found a couple of questions to be very helpful and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I ask myself this several times a day:

“What do I need right now? What is one small step I can take to get there?”
 

What I always want is to feel better, to feel more balanced, to feel more grounded, to feel less crazy. Since those are long term goals and harder to achieve in a moment, I am seeking a concrete step to get me on the way to feeling better, more grounded, etc. The answers to “what do I need right now” range from connecting with a friend, crying to my husband, eating chocolate, taking a shower, taking a nap, etc.

The second question I ask myself is:

“What am I willing to notice right now?”
 

There is a lot of down time built into new motherhood – all the nursing! So at least once a day, sometimes more, I use that time to ask myself what I am willing to notice. Not change, not fix, not make it go away, but simply notice. I usually notice tension in my face and neck and shoulders. The cool thing is that simply observing, noticing and allowing it to be there often has the consequence of the tension softening and releasing. The more I can observe and get deep with the observation, the better. I try to find the root of the feeling and sometimes describe it in as much detail as possible. An example of one of my internal dialogues:

“The tension is in my tongue, I’m sucking it to the roof of my mouth. The tension radiates into my jaw and face. My tongue feels inflexible and like a rock. It feels stuck to my mouth. Where does this come from? Where does the tension start? The root of the tension seems to be at the root of my tongue. Oh, I just noticed a release and letting go of the tongue muscle. Oh, I noticed there can be more space in my mouth. Ah, that feels nicer.”

Deep breath!

I’ve been reflecting on how the lives of freelance musicians are constantly changing, from one gig to the next. Change is not the same as transition, but it can go hand-in-hand with transition. Transition is an internal state, an internal shift, of the three stages: an ending, a neutral zone, and a beginning. Freelancers often go through these steps externally – one show ends, followed by a break and down time, and then the next show starts. Using that “neutral zone” between gigs to make sure you really take care of yourself could decrease the stress that goes with the unstable life of freelancing and gigging. Asking yourself “What do I need right now?” is a great way to get beneath our knee-jerk reactions of eating our emotions or mindlessly surfing facebook for hours.

The second question, “what am I willing to notice right now?” can be applied to working on music. Musicians are so good at problem solving, and constantly judging our work that taking a step back and creating a little space for non-judgement is healthy. It takes the pressure off the intensity of learning music, and often we learn faster because of the release of pressure. The key here is to notice without judging or desiring change. Just observe. Find the root of the problem, only for observation purposes, not for judgement and criticism of ourselves. Get as specific as you can. See what happens if you let go of the desire to judge, criticize, fix for a portion of your practice session. I’ve found it makes practicing much more enjoyable!

Let me know if these questions resonate with you and how you apply them. I’d love to hear from you! Especially as I’m sitting on the couch nursing for the twentieth time today, it’s a welcome break to hear from friends and colleagues!

PS – Have you heard about the Musician’s Mastermind? The Mastermind is a group for digging into inner obstacles, Inner Artist coaching, and loving accountability. The next session starts on Sept 28th. Click here if you are interested in learning more.

PPS – I'll be performing with the lovely Christine Steyer this coming Friday (Sept 4th) at 4th Presbyterian Church, 12:10 pm. We're doing some old favorites as well as a set by David Shenton that I simply adore.