When advice causes inner conflict

If you're anything like me, when confronted with conflicting advice I feel little flutters of panic and agitation. It heightens the sense of pressure around the choice, like there is no way to win. Someone is going to be upset. Or disappointed. Or I will be wrong one way or the other. 

Do you feel this way? I always wonder if it's just me that feels these things....

At any rate, you maybe have received this advice about conflicting advice - You must figure out what is best for you, because you're the one performing or creating. 

Ahhh, even more pressure! Why can't I just follow what the experts say? Now I have to figure out what I think is right for me! 

That is the most annoying thing. You are looking to experts, paying experts, to tell you the right way. Making it in the art and performing world is tough enough. You want answers, you want help, you want clarity and direction.

And then you get more confusion. Or even more turmoil and anxiety. 

You probably know that ultimately it is best to figure out what choices feel right to you, even if they break rules or go against the advice of trusted mentors. But why can this feel so hard?

If you related to the feelings of panic and agitation at the prospect of conflicting advice, let me suggest it is amplifying internal conflict. Right? Maybe you already knew this. Probably you did. However, it's taken me forever to learn this lesson.

Internal conflict can show up as a sense of uncertainty, of not knowing, and feeling not okay with that state. It can also show up as voices arguing in your head. This argument repeats and repeats, as if neither side hears the other. Or inability to commit to a decision, a choice. Feeling wishy-washy and confused.

I always come back to the question of WHY does external advice leave me feeling agitated or uncertain? Why don't I know my own answers? What can help me to know more of myself in this process?

Here's what I do when I feel agitated by external advice. 

1. Notice the feeling. 
   "Agitated. Upset. Panic that I'm going to be wrong." Whatever it is you feel, notice it. 
2. Where do you feel this in your body? 
   How do you know you're feeling that way? Is there a voice talking to you in your head? A sensation in your stomach? A general unease?
3. What does this voice/feeling/sensation want you to know?
   Hear it with as much space and understanding as possible. "Ahh, I feel the turmoil in my belly! Got it, it is really strong. Yep, I hear you are upset and worried that you'll do it wrong."
4. Can you identify more than one voice, part, or desire?
   What is the internal conflict about? What are the arguments, the internal disputes really about? I mean, the dispute over where to breath in your music isn't really about that. It might be worrying that the conductor will hate your choice, but you just need that breath. Or it might be feeling that breathing more somehow makes you feel not good enough. Whatever it is, can you get under the surface reason and find a deeper reason?
5. Somewhere in there, you do know the answer. 
   I mean, I'm not saying you are an expert at everything. I'm not saying if you just trusted yourself more you could do surgery. I'm saying, when facing artistic and musical choices, you do have an opinion that you can rely upon. Sometimes in fact, you do need more training and knowledge. But you can at the same time, hone your internal instincts and self-trust, while working on gaining the needed knowledge and tools.
6. Be patient.
   It can take time, but with following this process, you can find the trust and solid knowledge of what is right for you. This is so helpful in being a courageous artist. Think of the artists you love the most. Many of them break rules, push boundaries, make bold choices. What leads them to do so? Inner trust and belief in their artistic choices.

Where does internal conflict show up for you? What are the layers underneath that conflict? As always, I'd love to hear from you. Or leave a note on the blog. 

Cheers to making bold choices and trusting your Inner Artist!

Stand your sacred ground

A number of years ago I worked as an apprentice at a summer vocal program. One of my duties was playing for voice lessons every day. One of the teachers was intense and mean, to say the least. She would regularly scream at her students, all kind of profanities, and call them stupid, or fat, or anything else nasty. Sometimes she got really physical with them, yanking on their face or jaw or pushing with all her might on their abdomen.

I had major anxiety anytime I was scheduled to play for her, even though she mostly ignored me. Just being in the room with that kind of intense negative energy made me feel crazy -- shaky, nervous that her mean spotlight would be turned on me, and especially feeling bad for any singer that provoked her wrath. 

Most of us don’t experience this level of intensity (or abuse) in a lesson or coaching. Yet, many feel anxiety regardless of how nice the teacher or coach is.

As I've been writing about lately here and here, fear is normal human behavior – we are hardwired to care what others think about us. It is part of our survival mechanism in our lizard brain to worry about judgment. In a lesson or coaching we expect feedback and criticism. The worry is that this criticism will be about us as a person, or that we will be judged and found lacking, either personally, or professionally. And if this one person thinks we are not good enough, well, they must truly know. At least, that is the way my fears work!

So, fear is normal. We all have similar fears, to varying degrees. We don’t need to push fear away or tell ourselves we are stupid for feeling this way. But we don’t want fear to inhibit us, from scheduling the coaching you need, taking the audition you are interested in, pursuing the work to get to the next level. Making choices based on fear are never satisfying in the long run.

Brené Brown advises:

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.”

Unhook your value as a person from the opinion of the coach/teacher, and from the feedback you receive in the lesson. Regardless of whether you are in school, are making music for fun, or are a professional musician, anxiety will decrease significantly when you do this.

For those that tend to take feedback personally, here are some suggestions, based uponBrené Brown’s advice.

1. Don’t shrink. Bring your whole human self to the coaching. It can feel like an act of courage to bring your whole self, mistakes and all, to a coaching or lesson. Be honest, both with yourself and the coach. It’s totally fine to walk in the door and say, “I’m nervous, and here’s why.” Be honest about where you are at in your study of the music, and make room to accept that fact.You can’t be anywhere but where you are in your process. Every single person must start at the beginning, in learning their craft and in learning a piece of music. Some people learn faster than others (I love this video of pianist Valentina Lisista about how she learns music), but everyone must start at note one.
2. Don’t puff up. There is no need to prove yourself. You don’t have to defend your choices or insist that you know best, or that you already know everything. You don't know everything, and never will. Plus you're paying money to get feedback! Wouldn't it be terribly annoying if you actually know everything the coach is offering? What is the point in hiring this person? Make the choice to discern between the wisdom your coach or teacher offers and what you need to let roll away. Puffing up and proving ourselves comes into play when we feel like we have to agree or disagree with everything that our coach says. You don't. You can listen, melange, ruminate, and then absorb what is useful to you in this moment in time. 
3. Stand your sacred ground. I really believe that being a musician is sacred work. Making music is no small matter, and music has the capacity to touch people’s lives in a way that words or math can’t. Music moves us. It brings healing. It amplifies joy. Karl Paulnack, Director of the Music Division at the Boston Conservatory, says this beautifully in this compelling speech. It is very worth taking the time to read.
4. Your teacher is on an evolving journey as well. When I first started out as a coach, I assumed that what everyone wanted was for me to be as nit-picky as possible. It took me time to learn that this wasn’t always effective, as a person can only learn so much in one hour. I’ve gradually shifted my approach over time, now focusing on ‘what is the priority today? What will be most effective in achieving that priority today?’ I’m sure my philosophy and approach will continue to evolve. So will every coach and teacher you work with. Your teacher is not a finished product, just as you are not your finished product either.

By the way, this advice of Standing your Sacred Ground can be applied to anything in life that makes you nervous, ahem, like performing. Or a breakup. Or a job interview. Or auditions.

Thanks for reading!